The section in the Judeo-Christian bible called Deuteronomy deals with laws you need to follow to live your life. They are hopelessly outdated. Here’s the Dudeo-Coen version of them.
BOOK 1
1. Thou shalt always use fresh creamer when preparing the sacramental beverage. To ensure its freshness, it must be sniffed and even sampled before purchase. If it is unclean, put it back.
2. Ideally half-and-half shall be used in preparing the sacramental beverage. Failing this, milk, and under the most dire of circumstances, non-dairy creamer.
3. Always write checks whenever possible, as your cash is limited and you never know when you might have to pay off roving bands of heathen Nihilists.
4. When confronted by vicious thugs demanding money, give them it. If you don’t have it, employ humor to lighten the situation. Do not under any circumstances try to fight back by hurling a bowling ball at them.
5. When discussing a matter of grave importance, or even of trifling idiocy, always make sure to employ expletives as much as possible to prove your heartfelt honesty and conviction. To ensure your dudeness, all out-of-control, manic discussions should be followed with entreaties to “just take it easy, man.”
6. If an adversary is clearly too uptight to see things from your perspective, don your sunglasses and intone “Fuck it.” Then take something of fair value from his house as you depart.
7. Employ comfortable furnishings in your home such as reclining chairs, scented candles, Persian rugs and fanciful mini-bars with ironic posters of former adversaries. Your house is your temple and your temple should be well tied-together.
8. Always honor your landlord. Do your best to pay the rent on time. Failing that, indulge his artistic ambitions regardless of how utterly misguided they might be.
9. Never have an outward-opening door on your house.
10. When confronted by a large man with a gun who demands you mark it zero, oblige him. Otherwise you risk entering a world of pain. Ideally he will get his comeuppance from the League for contravening a number of its bylaws.
BOOK 2
1. Never trust wealthy, successful people you hardly know who want to employ you to engage in shady undertakings.
2. Money is the root of all evil. It’s also the root of all good stories, so hooray for money.
3. A plan referred to as foolproof is often proved foolish.
4. If you tell Donny to shut the fuck up too many times, he’ll shut the fuck up forever; cut your friends some slack. A eulogy is not the place to apologize.
5. Respect everyone’s point of view. It’s just, like, their opinion, man.
6. Always remember interesting turns of phrase that you hear so that you can employ them in completely unrelated situations later and convincingly sound as if you know what you’re talking about.
7. The ringer can’t look empty.
8. Make sure to always use the proper form of the pronoun. No one uses the editorial or royal “we” in everyday exchange unless they’re trying to hide something.
9. Never park in a handicapped space if you’ve got a million dollars in your car. In fact, never leave a million dollars in your car, especially if your car is in lousy condition.
10. If a doctor is referred to as “thorough,” harbor some reservations about visiting him. Unless of course you enjoy that sort of thing.
11. When confronted by unfortunate circumstances, forget about it. You can’t be worrying about that shit. Life goes on.
12. Always protect your sacramental beverage, even in times of severe duress.
13. Whenever possible, try to get paid in cash in order to avoid getting bumped up into a higher tax bracket.
BOOK 3
1. Freedom is great. Many young men have died face-down in the muck to protect our freedoms. Nevertheless, one should still be courteous and keep their voice down in a family restaurant.
2. Unless you’re a high-ranking member of society, don’t expect too much from the police.
3. Sometimes not having an ethos is an ethos in itself. Usually it’s a bad one, though.
4. Never go into a tournament with a negative attitude.
5. Try not to use so many cuss words. Unless they’re near and dear to your heart, in which case, fuck it.
6. Make sure the window of your car is rolled down before ejecting a burning object. You probably shouldn’t drink beer and drive either, even though it might come in useful to extinguish the burning object.
7. When strange men show up at your house accusing you of a crime and brandishing evidence at you, it is best that you feign mental illness and don’t say peep.
8. What happens when one fucks a stranger in the ass is not always what one might think will happen, nor what is necessarily fair or just to any of the concerned parties.
9. Never trust a known pornographer to whom any sizeable sum of money is owed.
10. Never criticize the preferred music of an angry cab driver.
BOOK 4
1. If you are a man of modest means and charisma and a rich, beautiful woman wants to have sex with you, don’t question her motives until after the act is over.
2. Avoid living in the past, even if memories can be beautiful and remind you of a time you once enjoyed.
3. Though the man in the black pajamas might be a worthy adversary, you should avoid him whenever possible. Especially if he’s easily avoided. Choose instead to cling to the tree of life.
4. Just because you’re bereaved doesn’t make you a sap. Keep your wits about you, even when you’re bummed out.
5. Take ‘er easy for all the sinners of the world, dude. Abide. And amen.
