Dudes in need of dudelyness...

[meekon5]

I can not even begin to imagine what this feels like.

To have a loved one taken away is bad enough.

To have a loved one held in a state so close to you, but so far away you can no longer communicate properly, must be absolute torture.

Thank you for sharing this, and as always my hopes and prayers go out to you both.

[forumdude]

Sorry to hear that the road continues to be so rocky, Caesar Dude. It must break your heart to see her struggle and suffer. We can all only hope that some day she will be able to tell you how much it has meant to her. You're an example to us all.

[kev dude]

It's time to update you guys on Chantelle's situation. Next Tuesday (25th) will be exactly one year since Chantelle started her big sleep. I won't be in any fit state to write then and tell you what's been happening so I'm doing it now.
I've just read through all of my posts in this thread and every word and every emotion feels to me  as if everything happened an hour ago...it's very raw and it hurts.

I indicated that Chit was smiling and responding when she first moved to thecare home....unfortunately shortly after she moved there she was rushed into hospital with a suspected pulmonary embolism (she was coughing up black blood and was very distressed....they also suspected she had some sort of seizure....

(I was actually sitting in my promotional interview at the time) anyhoo I


rushed to A&E where I found her to be quite calm and looking fairly ok....I'd only been there a few minutes when she started coughing and spitting out blood...probably not good..however I could see the blood was fresh and bright and not dark  blood as would be expected from a blood clot on the lung, I opened her mouth to ensure she could breathe and seen that the inside of her mouth was cut...I called the doctor over and together we diagnosed that she
had actually bitten her lip and the blood must have accumulated previously before she coughed! She can't spit and would clearly not have wanted to swallow! So.... after a few hours of observation they decided that she was ok and sent her back to the care home. All good.

However Chantelle was clearly fairly traumatised by these events and decided
to go back to sleep for a week!! She would open her eyes occasionally look around then shut em again...no smiles...no thumb movements!

After a week we noticed that she wasn't opening her left eye at all and when I opened it I could see it was extremely red...off to the eye clinic! Chantelle suffers from dry eyes at the best of times and the clinic found that crystals or filaments were growing on the eye and the eyelid which must have been immensely painful. They prescribed drops and creams which were duly administered every two hours causing her distress and pain as every time they
opened her eye these filaments would scratch the surface of her eye I cannot imagine how much that must have hurt her. This went on for about six weeks until they finally got the correct creams and drops. Obviously while this was going on she didn't want to open the other eye either...so unfortunately all further progress stopped...if she cant see she's not being stimulated and the
pain must have driven her to distraction anyhow.

On top of all this we noticed that she was putting on weight, she is 5'1" and normally weighs between 8 to 8 and a half stone...we asked for her to be weighed and found that she was now 10 Stone!!! That's a lot for a wee lass...turns out they were giving her too much high protein food! So the dietician has now dropped some of the feed they give her!

All of these setbacks have combined and we are now back to where we three months ago.

However it's not all doom and gloom. Tonight I read to her and she had her eyes open and she moved her thumb for me again after a lot of persuasion and cajoling and basically bullying!  Those smiles are going to be hard get back
but I'll keep trying.

I've been in tears all day dudes, it's getting close to that one year point and her stuff is still where she left it in my bedroom. Her toothbrush is still next to mine and the little things she did are evident everywhere in my flat. I have to accept that she's never coming back here to live and maybe never at all. It doesn't mean that I have given up on her regaining some sort of life with me but it just cannot be remotely the same. That sits hard with me but is a truth which I have not wished to confront before

I love my beautiful lady and will always be here for her for as long as she needs me. I will always look after her and cherish her and support her and her family in every way I can and maybe one day she will be able to tell me again that she loves me.

This is as hard today as it ever was on day one. I can't go near her house or the road the accident happened, I can't even go to her parents house as doing so reduces me to an absolute mess.

I'm fucking fantastic at work when I can throw myself into the mundane nonsense and forget that I have a personal life. I've been fine here on the boards where I can use my juvenile sense of humour to distract me. I'm fine with my son when  he's around as he's such a positive lively individual and I'm fine when I've had a skin full and can sleep for several hours without interruption but I'm not fine dudes....not fine at all.
Thank you for reading and thank you for being dudes.


Peace.

Hey C Dude, I hope I'm not imposing, I've only been on here five minutes but read your whole thread, I don't know what to say, but just wanted to try and offer some sort of support, keep fighting alongside your lady, peace.

[Caesar dude]

Thank you again Dudes for your kind words and compassion towards Chantelle and I.

It means so much to me that you are all thinking of her right now...I've just seen how many times this thread has been read and that is slightly overwhelming!

I know that a lot of people read but don't post and to those dudes I thank you also.

I'm not special in any way and believe me maybe even  ten years ago I would have run a country mile away from this situation...but then I wasn't with the right person. It's taught me a lot about myself and what I'm capable of.

@ KevDude Thank you for taking the time to wade through my posts here. You could not possibly impose and that goes for any dude who wishes my lady well.

Meekon...your words say it all.  This is something that I could not possibly have foreseen and would never wished to have imagined happening to anyone. You are a good man sir.

@ Hominid Thank you dude. I spend a lot of time now speaking to people when I hear them bitch about their loved ones. I'm very very lucky in one sense.  I know that Chantelle and I love each other very much and that in our time together before her accident that there is nothing I would have said or done differently with her. Never a cross word or raised voice, never an argument or misunderstanding. Always a kiss when we woke or met each other after being apart for even an hour and another when we said goodbye. We laughed and played together every moment we were with each other and that is so precious to me because ALL my memories are unspoiled. Be thankful for sure with what you have people.

@ Andrea Your parlance is, as always correct! Don't be so hard on your English dude...if I didn't know you were Italian I would never know. You are very kind but the decision to stay with my blue eyes wasn't even a decision. How could I leave her when she needs me more now than she ever has before. I love her unconditionally...these may be tough conditions...but hey...if you just say "I love you" when the times are good and then fuck of when the the going gets a bit hard then it isn't love surely. Thank you Andrea for your thoughts and good wishes.

@ DB I'm not brave dude. not at all. I'm a bit of a mess really...this hurts like nothing I've ever been through before. It helps immensely for me to be able to write what I'm feeling on here but I apologise now if it upsets people because I realise that by sharing that it possibly could. I thank you for your compassion man.

Which brings me to Forum Dude. Thank you for your words. But if I am inspirational then what does that make you? If you hadn't made this website I would have no place to share these thoughts. If you hadn't been inspired to get a collection of dudes from every corner of the world to gather on your rug where would I have met such a vast number of similar thinking folks to myself? People that understand me without judging, people that are as laid back and well rounded with no pretensions and no hidden agendas. I see here in these forums a bunch of very good people. This is your doing mate. I thank you for your example.

Peace and love dudes.

[Caesar dude]

Today is exactly one year since my sadness began. I may smile but the pain never goes away. My beautiful blue eyes stays mostly asleep but I am here to watch over her and ensure she is safe. Kisses don?t seem to work on my sleeping beauty but I will keep trying. If you have ever met Chantelle then you will know what a wondrous spirit she has. If you have ever heard her laugh or watched her bounce into a room or watched her kick as she left it then you will understand why I love her so much. My lady can out sparkle a frosty day and can make the dullest moment shine. I can never tell her enough how beautiful she is. Come on my darling. It?s time to come and play again. I love you sweetheart and will never give up.

[Leninrocks244]

It's time to update you guys on Chantelle's situation. Next Tuesday (25th) will be exactly one year since Chantelle started her big sleep. I won't be in any fit state to write then and tell you what's been happening so I'm doing it now.

I've just read through all of my posts in this thread and every word and every emotion feels to me  as if everything happened an hour ago...it's very raw and it hurts.

I indicated that Chit was smiling and responding when she first moved to the care home....unfortunately shortly after she moved there she was rushed into hospital with a suspected pulmonary embolism (she was coughing up black blood and was very distressed....they also suspected she had some sort of seizure....

(I was actually sitting in my promotional interview at the time) anyhoo I rushed to A&E where I found her to be quite calm and looking fairly ok....I'd only been there a few minutes when she started coughing and spitting out blood...probably not good..however I could see the blood was fresh and bright and not dark  blood as would be expected from a blood clot on the lung, I opened her mouth to ensure she could breathe and seen that the inside of her mouth was cut...I called the doctor over and together we diagnosed that she had actually bitten her lip and the blood must have accumulated previously before she coughed! She can't spit and would clearly not have wanted to swallow! So.... after a few hours of observation they decided that she was ok and sent her back to the care home. All good.

However Chantelle was clearly fairly traumatised by these events and decided to go back to sleep for a week!! She would open her eyes occasionally look around then shut em again...no smiles...no thumb movements!

After a week we noticed that she wasn't opening her left eye at all and when I opened it I could see it was extremely red...off to the eye clinic! Chantelle suffers from dry eyes at the best of times and the clinic found that crystals or filaments were growing on the eye and the eyelid which must have been immensely painful. They prescribed drops and creams which were duly administered every two hours causing her distress and pain as every time they opened her eye these filaments would scratch the surface of her eye I cannot imagine how much that must have hurt her. This went on for about six weeks until they finally got the correct creams and drops. Obviously while this was going on she didn't want to open the other eye either...so unfortunately all further progress stopped...if she cant see she's not being stimulated and the pain must have driven her to distraction anyhow.

On top of all this we noticed that she was putting on weight, she is 5'1" and normally weighs between 8 to 8 and a half stone...we asked for her to be weighed and found that she was now 10 Stone!!! That's a lot for a wee lass...turns out they were giving her too much high protein food! So the dietician has now dropped some of the feed they give her!

All of these setbacks have combined and we are now back to where we three months ago.

However it's not all doom and gloom. Tonight I read to her and she had her eyes open and she moved her thumb for me again after a lot of persuasion and cajoling and basically bullying!  Those smiles are going to be hard get back but I'll keep trying.

I've been in tears all day dudes, it's getting close to that one year point and her stuff is still where she left it in my bedroom. Her toothbrush is still next to mine and the little things she did are evident everywhere in my flat. I have to accept that she's never coming back here to live and maybe never at all. It doesn't mean that I have given up on her regaining some sort of life with me but it just cannot be remotely the same. That sits hard with me but is a truth which I have not wished to confront before.

I love my beautiful lady and will always be here for her for as long as she needs me. I will always look after her and cherish her and support her and her family in every way I can and maybe one day she will be able to tell me again that she loves me.

This is as hard today as it ever was on day one. I can't go near her house or the road the accident happened, I can't even go to her parents house as doing so reduces me to an absolute mess.

I'm fucking fantastic at work when I can throw myself into the mundane nonsense and forget that I have a personal life. I've been fine here on the boards where I can use my juvenile sense of humour to distract me. I'm fine with my son when  he's around as he's such a positive lively individual and I'm fine when I've had a skin full and can sleep for several hours without interruption but I'm not fine dudes....not fine at all.

Thank you for reading and thank you for being dudes.

Peace.

Dude.... I'm tearing up from reading this, too. I couldn't imagine watching anyone I loved more than my own life to go through such hell. My heart and my thoughts are going out to you, man. For my own sake, please try to keep your spirits up.

[kev dude]

Today is exactly one year since my sadness began. I may smile but the pain never goes away. My beautiful blue eyes stays mostly asleep but I am here to watch over her and ensure she is safe. Kisses don?t seem to work on my sleeping beauty but I will keep trying. If you have ever met Chantelle then you







will know what a wondrous spirit she has. If you have ever heard her laugh or watched her bounce into a room or watched her kick as she left it then you will understand why I love her so much. My lady can out sparkle a frosty day and can make the dullest moment shine. I can never tell her enough how beautiful she is. Come on my darling. It?s time to come and play again. I love you sweetheart and will never give up.

Stay strong man, your doing great, a year into this shit fight now and you both will be stronger than ever, dude vibes on their way to you.

[DigitalBuddha]

Today is exactly one year since my sadness began. I may smile but the pain never goes away. My beautiful blue eyes stays mostly asleep but I am here to watch over her and ensure she is safe. Kisses don?t seem to work on my sleeping beauty but I will keep trying. If you have ever met Chantelle then you will know what a wondrous spirit she has. If you have ever heard her laugh or watched her bounce into a room or watched her kick as she left it then you will understand why I love her so much. My lady can out sparkle a frosty day and can make the dullest moment shine. I can never tell her enough how beautiful she is. Come on my darling. It?s time to come and play again. I love you sweetheart and will never give up.

Pulling for ya, C dude! Hang tough, more prayers for you both!

[Caesar dude]

I'm tearing up from reading this

Stop it man. I've cried enough for a thousand men. But I thank you for your compassion,

I've had a really tough couple of days to be fair. Chantelle's mother is in pieces and I've been holding her together as much as I can then running home to hide in my cave. I'm not strong ... not strong at all.

I don't know if you dudes know of a band called Snow Patrol but Chantelle and I used to play them every night. We made love and went to sleep with there songs in our minds and hearts.... I haven't listened to them since the sadness but last night I forced myself to and rediscovered this track. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk1Q9y6VVy0
(sorry about the ads. Fucking Vevo!) The song is so poignant and has so much meaning to me now. I'll play it to her tomorrow.

I'm so touched by all your good wishes and heartfelt thoughts to my good lady and I thank you. It's good to know you're all thinking of her.

Again I'm sorry if by posting my feelings here it upsets any of you...if it does.then please just don't read this thread. I know it's maybe not quite what a new dude may want to see when he comes to this Forum.

Peace dudes.

[Leninrocks244]

CD, it's totally ok to express your feelings on here man. We're all here for you to give you dudely comfort and peaceful vibes.

[Caesar dude]

I feel exactly the same way as I did when I asked a fellow dude to inform the board about what was going on in my world. Needy.

I've never had to ask for help or assistance from anyone before and I'm trying not to ask for anything now other than folks to listen to what is going on in my life right now.

I just think that as this goes on you will all get bored with reading my shit and become numb to it. Hey it happens man.

This is an outlet for me...a place where I can pour my heart out and maybe express how fucking difficult this actually is.

I'm sorry..really sorry that I chose this place to do that.

[Leninrocks244]

I think I speak for all of us when I say that we're always keen on listening to each others' problems and even more keen on helping one another out.

[DigitalBuddha]

I think I speak for all of us when I say that we're always keen on listening to each others' problems and even more keen on helping one another out.

Fuckin' eh.

[Caesar dude]

Here's one!

I lost my dude completely today and my inner Walter came flying out,

Chantelle was a checkout girl at ASDA. They sent her a letter saying they wanted to meet with her to discuss her progress as she hasn't been to work for a while! They sent it to her address and her mum opened it...I went fucking ballistic for 20 minutes this morning on the phone to this dumb bitch. MY two staff left the office but could still hear me with the door closed half way up the yard!

I ripped her a new arsehole and dudes I'm not sorry!

[Leninrocks244]

I would've shown her what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass.