Dudes in need of dudelyness...

[Havazhyol]

Caesar dude,

I'm a newbie here. I just read the whole tread, and I'm devastated by your story, but also pleased to witness such humanity and caring you found here.
As all the dudes here, whether they wrote upon this topic or not, I send positives vibes to you, your son, and your blue eyes.

If a similar disastrous event ever occurs to me, I hope I will be 1/10 time as strong and brave as you are.

You are an example for all of us and a wonderful man.

[Easy McRider]

I come back to this thread in hope of good news. I'll take the view that no news is as good as no bad news. Still, more good vibes your way CD...

[Bo Abides]

Hello Caesar Dude,

I'm new so only just recently saw this thread (this thread is a part of why I joined)  it really touched me (I cried a lot for all that you, Chantelle, her family and your son have been through) I have been in your shoes before when my ex died from a heart attack and I saved him, he suffered severe brain damage and for a long time the Drs said he would either die or be a vegetable, it wasn't easy even though we were no longer in love, I still loved him very much the marriage was over but he needed somebody to love him and be there for him...

I have no clue how things work where you are but I hope that she is getting all the therapy, speech, physical, cognitive etc. sorry it's been awhile so I can't remember all the different therapists we had parading through his room.  Sometimes there is not much you can do but to sit by helplessly, cry and bargain with gods, I did plenty of bargaining, laying on of hands prayers, he was on prayer chains all over the world. Drs thought I lost my mind because I kept telling them they were wrong he would get better. In the end we got lucky, he came out of the coma, was just partially aware for awhile and I seemed to be the only one who noticed, he wouldn't squeeze the drs hand he would squeeze mine and he wouldn't do it if other people were around, he had no pain response at all, no smiling no eye blink communication, they were ready to ship him off to long term care and end all therapy. But we got lucky again and he started to be more awake and responsive finally he was coma free but had to relearn everything - he had total amnesia - he didn't know how to swallow, when he saw himself in a mirror he looked terrified he thought somebody was spying on him, I had to try to explain how mirrors worked and that he was the man in the mirror,  he knew so few words so communication was difficult, he did lots of grunting. The first sign of his memory coming back was thanks to a friend who came in smelling of cigars and scotch, Ex took one whiff of him and said "Jackie!"  After that I started bringing in things for him to smell, roses, herbs from the yard, his deodorant, my deodorant, perfume, a bag that smelled like good weed, whatever I could think of that might jog memories and I think that helped.  I wonder if something like that would help your sweet lady Chantelle. Funny thing about the empty bag of weed - after that he became a chatter box bragging to the NAs "I know this guy who can get the kind man, just tell me how much you want, we can go get it right now man. Come on let's go!" Then he would attempt to jump out of bed, he had to have restraints once he was out of the coma he wanted to go everywhere but he was very weak and didn't know how to stand or walk. Luckily he made enough progress to go for rehab!


I'm glad you set up a camera, I was very lucky when DH was in the Stanford University Cardiac center that they allowed spouses to sleep in the room, some of the things the NAs did would really piss me off, like if I went out for a break when I came back they'd have a scary movie on in his room, so then I'd go Walter on their ass and ask them how the hell would you like it if you were in an altered state of consciousness while some douche bag was watching a loud scary movie?!?!   Fuckers! Another time I came back from a quick walk and found a NA trying to reinsert his fucking feeding tube, almost punched that fucker, need a dr and an xray to make sure it goes in right not some idiot who is supposed to keep him from painting with pooh, how the hell did he get it out anyway, fucker wasn't watching him he was watching a fucking scary movie. No offense to any NAs out there, but some of the ones assigned to Ex were idiots!

When Ex was transferred to  a traumatic Brain Injury Rehab hospital I saw so many patients with so many different levels of consciousness and brain function  some who had been given up on by drs years before and some of them made what I would consider remarkable recoveries. One dude I was told only had slight function in his brain stem the rest was gone, but I watched him as he watched his favorite baseball team on tv, Ex moved across the room and didn't realize he was blocking the dudes view, I read his eyes they looked desperate trying to see around Ex so I told Ex to move out of his way then the dude smiled really big, his mom was there, we all started crying because it was the first time he showed any sign of being there,  then the dude started crying too. Shoot thinking of that made me start crying, I often wonder how that dude is now and send him and his mom positive thoughts even though I forgot their names years ago. 

This is real hard to say and you might not want to hear it, maybe you have already been told nobody warned me about it - when she improves she may not be the person you knew, she might be but there's the possibility she may be very different.  when I brought EX back home he was so different - happy, carefree Mr Fun, slightly dangerous due to memory and perception issues for the first year. Then he reverted back to his old depressed state of being, then he got worse - he hated me for saving him, despised me for running the business, taking care of the bills. He was clumsy, he broke things accidentally and on purpose, he'd throw things at me, he became suicidal would often threaten to kill me and then himself. Sure we had troubles before his brain injury but we were still civil to each other he was a dear old friend, during his first happy year back I thought I could live with this man forever, I was so wrong, if I had stayed one or both us us would have eventually died. I lived for 7 years walking on eggshells wondering everyday if he would be alive when I came home from work or if he might be waiting to kill me... 
Now to give you an example of a brain injury really bettering a person- one of the guys in rehab with EX was always smiling, cheerful, sweet and a joy to be around, his mom and I were talking one day when she shocked me with the story of how he was injured - he was doing a driveby shooting (the guy he shot died) he took two bullets to the head, she said he was one of the scariest guys on the street and now he was sweet as a lamb. Also I knew a woman who was a total bitch then had a stroke and was a wonderful human. TBIs can cause big personality changes I was not prepared and wished that somebody had told me...

I hope that you not updating this means that there is good news, that she is making progress and you are too busy to update. Maybe you are taking a well deserved break from the situation, you deserve one! I'm sure Chantelle would agree, take care of yourself dude, take a vacation, do something for yourself, she knows you love her, she loves you too, but while she's sleeping take some time for yourself so you don't go insane like I almost did. Consider therapy, there is no shame in getting help dealing with this sort of crap! It's fine to cry, curse god, bitch about the whole damn mess, let it out, it's not fair, it sucks! do whatever you need to do to make it through - you've got my support (I know I'm just a noob but I still care!) and of course you have the support of dudes more dudely than I.

And one more thing, sorry can't stop myself , please do not take any offense - I mean this from the bottom of my heart - Do not give up yourself and love, it's been a long road, if somebody else comes along take the chance on love again.  Chantelle  loves you, I bet she would understand. If I was in her place I would be fine with DH falling in love with somebody else, people need people, they need to feel love and find happiness.  I would not want DH to go through such hell as you've been through for so long all alone, I would want him to find love, companionship, I'd still want him to visit, I'd even be fine with him bringing a girlfriend to visit.  Of course that's just my opinion, do what you need to do, do what makes you feel good about the situation. 

Sending lots of positive thoughts, prayers and ((((HUGS))))) your way!

[Caesar dude]

Bloody hell Bo...but thank you ! You certainly don't believe in brevity do yah? Thank you also Havazyhol much appreciated.

I haven't posted recently on this thread because to be frank there is very little to report. Chantelle remains unresponsive for the most part. I wish there was more to say but there isn't really. She mumbles occasionally when I speak to her but not so much that I can say that she is aware of me..although she does it more for me than her parents. So maybe that's something eh?

I'm still here for her and miss her more than ever. I see her every night still and talk to her and tell her about my life...all the silly things and all the boring things and all my fuck ups...she'd like that!

She's beautiful and I love her and I still will not give up. I read to her and play her music and tell her silly jokes and stroke her face and kiss her. Maybe it's doing some good eh?

Thank you again for your good wishes and your kind thoughts dudes.