A dude in love

[Bullett00th]

Help me, fellow dudes!

I seem to have sunk my thoughts into a girl at work, but it's the first time I completely cannot figure her out. She seems interested, but is very careful, distancing and a bit sad.

Recently I discovered she's been dating someone who she can't be with anymore because they live far away and you know how long distance relationships are.

Thing is, I can't hit on girls who are with someone, even if they are up for it. It's just very undude in my book, and simply goes against the bro code. I've been in situations where I dated someone who knew she was the love interest of a different guy, and used him. At first I didn't care, but things turned out in such a way that I got to know the guy, and he's very dude. It just feels wrong to even try deprive him of his chance.


Now I'm in a seemingly similar situation, but I've lost it and it's bad. What do you say dudes, should I just go for it or would it be very undude? I would hate myself if I became the reason of a couple's breakup...


What would the Dude do?

[Judd Dude]

Rule #1. Don't shit where you eat!

Getting involved with someone at work is great if it all works out and you ride off into the proverbial sunset together, but if it goes bad you're stuck seeing this person as long as you work there. Personally I would look outside the workplace for potential love interests. That's just me.

What would Dude do? He might just say "that's my robe." and commence coitus. But since he's unemployed he doesn't have to worry about post coital awkwardness in the workplace. Good luck man.

[Bullett00th]

I know man, work relationships are a strict taboo for me which was pretty easy to maintain so far. But this is the case where I just lost it. You know, this happens

[milnie]

Don't shit where you eat ... Is that some kind of eastern thing ?
I only ask because I use to know a guy who wanted to go to Thailand so he could have a hooker shit on his chest. God I've known some weird people !?!

[Bullett00th]

Don't shit where you eat ... Is that some kind of eastern thing ?
I only ask because I use to know a guy who wanted to go to Thailand so he could have a hooker shit on his chest. God I've known some weird people !?!

well, that escalated quickly

[milnie]

Sorry dude, couldnt help myself. You smoke a j and weird memories pop up sometimes :)

[mrpaddy]

Funnily enough this is precisely the time to just take it easy, man.

From the sounds of the situation, even if you decide it's something you're completely cool with getting into, the whole thing hinges on exactly where she's at with her other dude. If they don't really want to be splitting up but are doing so purely for logistical reasons, you probably don't want to go there - for now at least.

If, on the other hand, they're finishing proper, the lady will probably want to let things chill a while before starting the next thing, meaning you probably don't want to go there - for now at least.

Take a step back, be a friend, be a dude, go with the flow and don't try and force anything. Let what happens happen, if you like how it sounds. If it doesn't work out now, don't let the reason be that you weren't cool.

My tuppence worth, anyway. Whether it's any good... well, dude, we just don't know Take it easy fella.

[Judd Dude]

Don't shit where you eat ... Is that some kind of eastern thing ?
I only ask because I use to know a guy who wanted to go to Thailand so he could have a hooker shit on his chest. God I've known some weird people !?!

You don't need to go to Thailand for that, there are sick fucks worldwide.

[BrotherShamus]

You don't need to go to Thailand for that, there are sick fucks worldwide.
[/quote]

Yeah but they're all a bunch of fucking amateurs.

[Rev Paddy Cakes]

Take a step back, be a friend, be a dude, go with the flow and don't try and force anything. Let what happens happen, if you like how it sounds. If it doesn't work out now, don't let the reason be that you weren't cool.

From mrpaddy

And I'm not just quoting this because we both have "paddy" in our names. I think that this is the best strategy as well. It happens all the time, it's part of being a person, but the thought that I will be happier with this person, this thing, this relationship, usually gets in the way of happiness with the people, things, relationships we have now. In my own case I was getting out of one relationship, and talking about a relationship with somebody else who was not exactly happy in her relationship, when I met someone else completely out of the blue. And here I am three years later, still with her, and I could not have predicted it at all. Like some sort of Maude-standing-in-the-middle-of-my-trashed-apartment beginning to a completely un-looked for relationship.
It reminds me of the quote from Super Troopers that has always stuck with me, "Desperation is a stinky cologne." (Don't worry, I am not calling anyone in this thread desperate!). But I think when you try to force things too much, stuff can get stinky... Like some vagrant had just used our efforts as a bathroom and moved on...

And hey, as long as whatever is consensual, who are we to judge...?

[mrpaddy]

Far out, another Paddy! Nice story, dude. And an awesome name.

[Havazhyol]

The Paddys are completly right, dude. If she is into it too, why bother?

But I know how you feel. Thorn appart by yourself.
When it comes to the interactions of heart and mind, I quote a froggy old writer (Blaise Pascale).
The heart has its reasons, that reason does not know about.
The choice concerning which one you want to follow remains in your hands, dude.

[Bo Abides]

Mind if I chime in from a female perspective?

Mark it 8 for those Dudes who say wait! 

Sometimes people want something that is unreachable more than the thing that is right there in front of them - yum forbidden fruit, everybody wants it!
Wait till she is over her out of reach guy. They may actually work things out! If you get involved before her current relationship is completely over you may be hurt even more.
Are you sure that she isn't forbidden fruit to you?

A few things that struck me about your post -  "She seems interested, but is very careful, distancing and a bit sad." 
Many people enjoy flirting, so I wonder if what you see as her being interested may actually be her just being flirtatious? I flirt with guys I would never want a zesty relationship with - old guys, guys young enough to be my kid, guys who are just friends, married guys, gay guys, gay married guys, even women. Flirting is fun but sometimes people think that flirting is a sign of interest when it isn't necessarily that at all. For some people flirting is just a way to make others feel good about themselves and to have some fun. Try to figure out if that could be the case with her. I know flirting can muddy the waters and confuse people who don't understand it, but damn it's fun especially with the right people who know how to keep their toe from crossing the line.

She just might want a friend, so be a Dude about it, the "careful, distancing" part makes me think she has put up an emotional  barrier.

The "sad" part makes me wonder if she is an Eeyore (from Winnie the Pooh or the Tao of Pooh - take your pick) think seriously do you want to be with somebody who is possibly an Eeyore? My ex was one - "that's OK, I'll just stand here in the rain" - that mentality is hard to live with, sure you feel sorry for an Eeyore, you want to cheer them up but an Eeyore can only cheer up him or herself up. I lived with my Eeyore for 22 years, it's like somebody is pissing on your rug daily!

So I would wait until she is no longer sad and she removes the barriers. In the meantime look outside of work - work relationships can be messy and affect employment - maybe even ask her if she has any friends that she thinks may be your type, that way she knows you're open to a relationship, maybe planting that seed will make her think of you and her current situation or perhaps she will find a good match for you.

Matters of the heart can really suck, especially when the thought of one person makes you miss possibilities with others.

[MindAbiding]

My take is that Bo Abide's words of wisdom ought to be printed in a manual for guys and romance. Very nice, and very insightful!

[Bo Abides]

My take is that Bo Abide's words of wisdom ought to be printed in a manual for guys and romance. Very nice, and very insightful!

Awww, thanks, that's really nice of you to say.