The Dudeism Forum

It's often hard for people to face their inner demons or even admit they exist. I have been guilty of that for most of my life and have often paid the price for it in some capacity or another. As I've mentioned before I'm a Correctional Officer at a state prison. Over the years here I've been exposed to a constant barrage of negativity, the anger, hatred, and real evil in this place are so intense they almost take on a presence of their own. Mix that with the suicides, stabbings, assaults, rapes, and a culture for both staff and inmates that put macho above all else and you have a recipe for self destruction. It's not a fast decline by any means, it starts slowly bit by bit kind of like a leaky faucet filling up a bathtub. I didn't even realize it had any effect on me until other people started mentioning it and it all hit me at once.

Since I've been here I have seen dozens of assaults on both inmates and staff,  3 successful inmate suicides, I've talked down several attempted suicides, I've given CPR until all his ribs were broken and I couldn't lift my arms (it was too late), right around 4 stabbings, 1 lock in a sock, countless dead bodies due to natural causes, 1 guy get his fingers chopped off in a food port, a guy cut his own dick off with a pencil, I know what brains look like both inside and outside the skull, and I've seen 4 of my Co-Workers get lowered into the ground due to their own pistols.

All of that is supposed to be okay, the biggest taboo for correctional staff is showing any signs that your experiences have a negative effect on you. It's only after someone puts a new hole in their head that the idea of stress is even acknowledged and even then it's only briefly in the form of pamphlets that get left on the front desk. I fell into this trap of convincing myself none of it bothered me, that I could cut the sheet from around someone's neck and go home at the ended of the day and not take some part of it with me. I was wrong and the people around me suffered for it.

I've let it turn me into a cynical, angry, and cold person. Somewhere along the line I disconnected from world and everything felt distant and foreign. Even my own family became these strangers that were just there, it's a strange empty feeling and it's made even stranger by the fact that I didn't notice it happening.

My family being loving enough to call me on my shitty changes, plus my own submersion into Dudeism and these forums, has caused me to realize the change in myself and quite possibly saved me from becoming just another name in the memorial garden (never had suicidal thoughts but who knows where that dark path could have lead).

I had this moment of clarity about a week ago and since then I have done my best to switch gears and actually face these issues instead of trying to hide them behind the tough guy fa?ade that is standard in my line of work. Today I woke up and something was different, I felt good for the first time in years! I took my dog for a walk and actually enjoyed the activity instead of just going through the motions, the people at the store didn't fill me with instant negativity, and well just about every other thing was different. It's a strange feeling, like I had been running on auto pilot this whole time and just now figured out how to take over the controls. It's crazy and I probably seem crazy talking about it but who isn't a little crazy.

All of this has filled me with hope but it has also opened my eyes and given me with a new sense of purpose. By definition what myself and countless others from not only my profession but from all walks of life are going through is PTSD. Millions of people a struggling alone because of the stigma that still surrounds any sort of mental health issues. There has to be a better way, a way to show people it's okay to be venerable. I tried to be the rock for everyone else to lean on because I allowed myself to believe that any sign of struggle was a sign of weakness. That belief almost crushed me and I'll be damned if I just sit by and let others fall into that same trap.

So what's the point of all this, Other than to convince a bunch of Dudes on the internet that I might be a crazy person? I'm going to try and use Dudeism as a way to try and help others that are suffering through the same PTSD garbage I am. Many of the people I know that suffer from it have long since abandoned the idea of God, simply due to the fact that we've all seen enough to become convinced that God isn't watching. The beauty of Dudeism though is that the path to peace isn't through God, its through self. I still haven't worked out the details of exactly how I'm going to do this since it's a relatively new plan but I honestly believe that the core of what Dudeism stands for plus the great community of other Dudeists could really help people.

If you made it all the way through then thank you for being a good sport, I'm sure I could have just skipped to the last few parts about how Dudeism fits in but how can I expect to help people face their demons if I won't talk about mine.

Glad something hit the proverbial switch for you, man. It kinda sounds like you're living in a prison version of the movie Office Space.  Best of luck keeping on the path and helping others find it (or their own).

This could really be a Dudespaper article. Expand a bit into how Dudeism has helped you transform your outlook and make peace with vulnerability, even in the toughest environment, and this would certainly be of great use to the community of dudes.

In fact, that'd be a great series of articles, written by dudes from varied backgrounds, of Dudeliness in Harsh Environments. After all, it's easy to take it easy just laying around a Venice bungalow high and drunk. Much harder out in the world...

Thanks for the feedback, Dudes! a Dudespaper series is an interesting idea, man! I would be very interested in hearing other's stories about how it's helped them or how they abide in an undude situation.

I have worked with some people who put out some training called "Controlled F.O.R.C.E.". Mostly aimed at Law Enforcement, but some other Tactical Forces. We did a lot of work with training people for Cell Extractions and working with one or more people to subdue resistance across all spectrum's of force. It was one thing to train for the possibility of dealing with this stuff... a whole other to know it's a certainty. Hats off to you for dealing with societies problem children so we can enjoy life more outside. You deserve "Thanks for Serving" as much as any member of the armed forces.

Alot of the guys in your profession really have a crazy unstable environment on a continual basis with some real mixed and complex relations with the people you deal with everyday. I can't imagine doing it for too long without getting burnt out. Heck... At least I knew there was a time when I would be out of combat and home... You go back everyday with no end in site unless you make a career move, retire, or something.

ChrisitanDude,

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement! Truth be told there are so many professions that deal with similar issues and it's crazy the lack of awareness out there for any of them. I mainly speak towards corrections because it's what I know but PTSD has been first responder, law enforcement, military and E.R Nurse's elephant in the room for far too long and I only hope that someday people can actually give it the attention that it deserves. Since Dudeism has helped me to move past a lot of the issues I had with PTSD I'm hoping I can someday use it as a way to help others who are going through it. After all us Walters of the world could use a little help from the Dude, haha.