The Dudeism Forum

Fellow Dudeists,

Over the years, I've consistently been beating myself up and suffering from social anxiety. I worry about how I come across to other people and feel extreme shame when I throw a gutter instead of a strike. Out of all the things I tried so far - meditation, CBT etc... - Dudeism is helping me out the most, even though I still have a long way to go. When I try things such as CBT or meditation, the problem is that I aim to control my breath and my thoughts too much rather than simply saying "fuck it", and this only makes things worse.

Do any of you suffer from the same issues? If yes and if you managed to get better over time, how did you do it? Are there any practices you recommend beyond saying "fuck it let's go bowling dude"?

Thankie.

I don't mean to in any way minimize your plight but isn't this type of social anxiety a form of self absorption. I don't mean that in a cruel way.
It seems like undertaking activities that center on self discovery may be sort of a symptom rather than a cure.
In a way I'd say the key to overcoming social anxiety is becoming less concerned about what others think about you. Maybe being more concerned about others?
Join a bowling team because as they say "there is no I in the word team".
Make it a point to center your thoughts on how to do something for someone else rather than on what condition your condition is in.

Take a look at your post above and number of times you use the word "I" and "me" as opposed to the word "you".
And "you" is used only in the context of how to help you. Maybe the key to being less concerned about what others think of you is a matter of "you" being less concerned about "you".
Choose happiness.
I hope this doesn't come across as unkind.

Yours is a very very common ailment in my experience. One that most societies today seem to encourage.

Thanks Biker Dude. Doesn't come across as unkind  Maybe you're right. Maybe I should stop giving a fuck so much after all and caring so much about "poor little me"!

Quote from: Dudov on May 06, 2015, 06:08:52 PM
Are there any practices you recommend beyond saying "fuck it let's go bowling dude"?

I would think someone suffering from social anxiety more likely to say "fuck it, dude, I'm not going bowling." More to the point, though, maybe watch "Office Space." There are elements to Peter Gibbons that echo a very pure form of Dudeism.

Quote from: Dudov on May 08, 2015, 05:23:47 AM
Thanks Biker Dude. Doesn't come across as unkind  Maybe you're right. Maybe I should stop giving a fuck so much after all and caring so much about "poor little me"!

Caring about yourself is important.  Caring about what other people think of you, not so much.  I mean, yeah, being a pedophile or a serial killer probably isn't the best way to attract the kind of people you want around you, but barring such negative traits the best thing you can do is be true to yourself.  Abide.  Some people will like you, others won't; it's human nature.  Just be the best you that you can be, and shrug off the rest.

I can see where you are coming from here, dude. Social anxiety is the cleft asshole of disorders, if you ask me. I have a hard time getting to know new people, so whenever im in a class and the teacher makes me work with someone I don't know, it sucks. Mainly because I like things that most of the "popular kids" wouldn't, things most people would consider childish, like Godzilla and what-have-you. And ever since a young age, I've been sorta self conscious about my interests. But that is where Dudeism helps, a lot! It helps me just kick back and abide with life. I found me a good group of friends, (my sister, and 3 of our guy friends, one of them a Dudeist now, i believe) and I stopped really caring about what other people think. Because no matter how many people tell me im "childish", "stupid", or "gay and retarded", I know I can spend the weekend with the people that matter the most to me. That's just my two cents, dude. Take 'er easy.

Well you know, you gotta feed the monkey.
That means you have to deal with all sorts.
I think the key to doing so is focusing on others and not yourself.
In a very fundamental way. Feeling self conscious literally is that. Being SELF CONSCIOUS.
Be less conscious of your self and focus on others. Not because it's all "group hug".
Just because it gets one over fretting about the self.
So many journeys are about loss of ego aren't they.
Lose the ego (Metaphorically speaking) (in the Freudian sense. Or more precisely the super ego) and you are free. (Metaphorically speaking)

Quote
The superego (German: ?ber-Ich)[24] reflects the internalization of cultural rules, mainly taught by parents applying their guidance and influence.[25] Freud developed his concept of the super-ego from an earlier combination of the ego ideal and the "special psychical agency which performs the task of seeing that narcissistic satisfaction from the ego ideal is ensured ... what we call our 'conscience'."[26] For him "the installation of the super-ego can be described as a successful instance of identification with the parental agency," while as development proceeds "the super-ego also takes on the influence of those who have stepped into the place of parents ? educators, teachers, people chosen as ideal models."[27]

The super-ego aims for perfection.[22] It forms the organized part of the personality structure, mainly but not entirely unconscious, that includes the individual's ego ideals, spiritual goals, and the psychic agency (commonly called "conscience") that criticizes and prohibits his or her drives, fantasies, feelings, and actions. "The Super-ego can be thought of as a type of conscience that punishes misbehavior with feelings of guilt. For example, for having extra-marital affairs."[28] Taken in this sense, the super-ego is the precedent for the conceptualization of the inner critic as it appears in contemporary therapies such as IFS and Voice Dialogue.[citation needed]

The super-ego works in contradiction to the id. The super-ego strives to act in a socially appropriate manner, whereas the id just wants instant self-gratification. The super-ego controls our sense of right and wrong and guilt. It helps us fit into society by getting us to act in socially acceptable ways.[1]

I agree with a lot of what BikerDude is saying. A good trick for social anxiety is asking questions. Puts others on the spot, you get to listen and focus on someone else, and you get points socially, because everyone (without social anxiety!) loves to talk about themselves.

Also, if you've gotten some benefit from CBT, look into ACT which stands for acceptance and commitment therapy. They have some good workbooks and its way more fuck-it/Dudeist in my opinion. It incorporates mindfulness and makes great use of both metaphors and values-work, since not all people contexts are created equal.

I'm a shrink so I talk about this stuff a lot. I'd say more but my train is pulling in. Take it easy and abide dude!

Quote from: Dudov on May 06, 2015, 06:08:52 PM
Fellow Dudeists,

Over the years, I've consistently been beating myself up and suffering from social anxiety. I worry about how I come across to other people and feel extreme shame when I throw a gutter instead of a strike. Out of all the things I tried so far - meditation, CBT etc... - Dudeism is helping me out the most, even though I still have a long way to go. When I try things such as CBT or meditation, the problem is that I aim to control my breath and my thoughts too much rather than simply saying "fuck it", and this only makes things worse.

Do any of you suffer from the same issues? If yes and if you managed to get better over time, how did you do it? Are there any practices you recommend beyond saying "fuck it let's go bowling dude"?

Thankie.

Thanks for all your feedback dudes. I'll just try to abide and take er'easy. Can't be worried about that shit, life goes on man!

 Hey bro,

I've done a lot of that too. I'd like to impart some insights I've gleaned over the years. Hopefully some of them will help.

I think an overlooked aspect of Dudeism is the present moment. When discussing meditation, the state most people aim at is for "clear, nonthoughts". Basically, it's like feeling your body breathing of it's own accord. Your hears are picking up sounds but not focusing on them. Your body feels lighter or perhaps heavier but comfortably relaxed. You notice the feeling of your lungs expanding as you breathe and feel the comfort in breathing out in whatever fashion is most awesome for ya. All this begins to have a unified experience aspect. So you're experiencing all of this at the same time and just letting it happen. Meditation is a very active process however it's still "let it happen" - ish.

But you already do this dude! When you've bowled in the past, there have been times when you've rolled the ball. . ..  and watched it go down the lane in slow motion. No thoughts. Your simply watching the ball roll towards the pins. . . Listening to the other bowlers and hearing the comforting sound of pins being knocked down . . .like listening to a wave crashing on a beautiful white beach. That's the meditative moment.

You experience this when listening to awesome tunes too dude. You experience it when making a sandwich or making your caucasian. Maybe even at the moment you feel the water hit your skin when showering. There's tons of times when you're totally in the moment and you're simply feeling whatever you're doing.

I recommend simply taking notice of these times as they happen. No need to force it. Just go through your day and start noticing, more and more, how often these moments happen. After a while, you can begin to look forward to these awesome moments. And after that, maybe you'll pick up meditation again to deliberately enter that feeling.

Anyway, I hope it helps dude! Abide and carry on.

That's Zen, Dude.  However Zen is not an automatic process, but with practice it can become automatic.  The difference is being completely and truly present in what you're doing, and only what you're doing.

There's an old Buddhist parable that goes something like this:

There were two Buddhist monastaries on either side of a river.  The monks would often gather and cry out to each other across the river, bragging about their Masters.

"Ours is the best Master because he can sit in zazen for hours without moving.  He is so pure he can survive on one grain of rice a day.  He recites thousands of Mani mantras a day.  Ours is the best Master"

The other side replied,

"Our Master is the best Master because when he sits, he sits.  When he walks, he walks.  When he eats, he eats.  When he sleeps, he sleeps."

The other side conceded that they indeed had the best Master.

Hey Zoe!

Thanks again for your advice the other day. I put some of it into practice and it was quite useful. Maybe it's the obvious stuff we tend to forget or lose sight of. Thanks!

Yeah I guess you can call it a bunch of stuff: satori, trance, mindfulness etc etc. Woot!

Glad I could help, Sean!

Thanks for sharing, man. Your humble servant, Rev. Jimmy, has been working his way out of a real rut in life. I've been seeing a counselor for depression and have adopted an alcohol-free regimen. Just a lot of situations have piled up on ol' Jimmy. I have one voice in my head telling me the plane has crashed into the mountain, and I have to keep telling myself that nothing is fucked. 12-steppers like to speak of living life on life's terms. In Dudeist terms, abide.
On a more serious note, don't mess around when it comes to mental health. Find a counselor who is a good and thorough. I think we lose a lot of people to substance abuse and suicide because of the stigma associated with getting help for mental illnesses. I'm not saying you're going to off yourself. I'm just saying, don't be afraid to get some help before things pile up on you.

*deleting old posts*