The Dudeism Forum

Having recently begun my quest for finding the inner dude, I can't help but wonder about one dudeism aspect that doesn't really apply to real life. Or maybe I just misunderstand it?

Taking it easy and not worrying about stuff seems like the right way to do things, but we live in a material world where you have to work hard to live easy. Being pro-dude, I'm a lazy person who has been vainly trying to fight his laziness for my whole life, but never succeeded. I work hard on things I like and enjoy, or when I see the goal clearly, but sometimes I just don't care. And therein lies the problem.

It's always one of the two extremes: I either care and worry too much, or do not care at all. And both lead to stress - just one sooner than the other. It's obvious that nothing good comes out of worrying too much, but when I try to chill out, I tend to start forgetting stuff, becoming irresponsible and failing my tasks at work, which bothers me a great deal because I work with good people. Sooner or later I snap out of it, realize how things are screwed up, and start fixing everything in a big hurry and, obviously, big stress, which starts the cycle all over.
If anyone out here had a similar experience and managed to balance out the scales with abiding on one side and being responsible on the other, please share on how you came to this, as my boat is rocking left to right and I'm not sure which side to put my weight on so the other one doesn't drown.
Thanks in advance!


P.S. I hope it's not too undude to open up with a wall of text in here, but I really need advice from some experienced dudes on how to reach the balanced level of abidance.

To be honest I can't say that I've had the luxury of not being responsible so I can't speak from that side of the argument. But I have visualized what my life would look like had I not fallen into the trap of keeping up.
See, I read a study not long ago about college attendance and the costs involved versus the time spent paying off the loans, etc. The point made in the article was that the average person with a 4 year degree who bought into the whole higher education thing will take longer to pay off their school loans than they actually have years in a working life. In other words, work as hard as you want.....you ain't never payin' this shit off.
But there's the other side of the coin. Graduate from high school and get the most mindless, bum-fuck job you can find. My dream job would be stacking shoeboxes at Foot Locker or Athlete's Foot for a career. Quit when I'm 62 and start drawing social security. In the years between high school and retirement live a mostly monastic lifestyle. A one bedroom or a studio apartment in maybe not the nicest neighborhood, no tv, minimal furniture, just enough food on hand to make it a couple of days to a week. In other words keeping it simple. I say no tv because I would choose instead to hit the library a couple of times a month and read some really good shit. On my days off I would not want to stay in the house. Get out! Go camping, go for a hike or a run, go fishing, whatever it is just go and do it.
Most adults at this point have been led down the garden path toward what they think is the American Dream. What it is is just to work until we're too fuckin' old and tired to enjoy retirement so we just die. And it's all a matter of conditioning. We've been conditioned to believe that you go to college, get a good job, save your money, meet a nice girl, get married, buy a house, have 2 kids, buy a bigger house, fill it up with shit, buy a bigger.....blah, blah, blah. We end up being owned by the shit we think we own. What we've been told is the honorable way to live, work hard, pay your bills, support yourself, etc is just a buzzword to get us to be good and compliant little drones. By the time we realize what a waste it all is it is too fuckin' late to change course and truly simplify. We get stuck by our own ambition.
Ambition is fuckin' poison. Getting ahead is nothing but a trap. But the shit was made up by people way more brilliant than any of us out here in the real world. The only way to beat them is to not get caught up in all the shit. Fuck ambition. Work only as much as necessary to support leisure activities that you love. Don't get married. Fuck commitment-o-phobia! The definition of which is when a man decides that life will be longer and sweeter if he makes all his own decisions unimpeded by the opinion of a long-term partner who has no idea what the fuck she's talking about. You don't buy the bigger house or the newer car because you just don't need them. I wish I had made up my mind years ago that if I can't get there by walking or riding a bicycle I'm just not going. I would be a whole lot happier today and I would actually be retired rather than halfway through my second career.

This is a vision I've been coming to lately, but the society seems to largely disagree with me. People have gotten used to working their asses off, getting drunk on fridays, and going away somewhere on vacation which sucks up most of the money you've earned, and it's never enough to clear your head.

But I'm stuck in this circle now. I work 2 jobs, one full time with an average salary, and one part-time with poor and late income, but I like it better, so it's easier to do. I can't drop either because the first one pays for my and my family's living, and the second one is almost a private project with a small team which will fall apart should a single person leave it.
In all this I'm not even thinking about getting married, but I do think I want something more chilled in life.

Thinking about finding a new hobby like drawing or playing a musical instrument, but that takes time, which few people have nowadays

Hey Dude,

Nice post, man. You point out that taking it easy isn't always easy, and that's something I can definitely relate to. Here's my two cents; let me know what you think.

I don't think abiding is about either of the extremes, man, it's about balance, as the subject of your post points out. As much as we like to equate abiding with not doing things (except drinking White Russians and watching our sacred film), that's not the whole story. To me abiding is a question of whether I can remain relaxed and limber in everything I do. That includes long days at work and frustrations with coworkers. Abiding really isn't about the life you have (whether you're employed or unemployed, a bowler or a golfer-- it don't matter to Jesus), it's about how you relate to the life you have. Can you take things lightly and impersonally? Can you keep things in perspective? Can you recognize that whatever's got you in a vice right now is just a passing phase of life?

It sounds like you might be running up against a perfectionistic approach to life, so you either take things on fully or try not to even think about them ('cause they're so fucked up it stresses you out). But ultimately you're a conscientious guy so when you take your hands off the wheel for a little while you end up trying to "fix" everything you left undone.

I myself have dabbled in pefectionism, and it's a tough monkey to feed. See if you can lower your expectations a little, man. It's the gap between reality and what you think reality should be that gets you all fired up and anxious. For guys like us, abiding means accepting things as they are and recognizing that they couldn't be any other way. The "what ifs" and "if onlys" are just your mind playing tricks on you, man. They're no more real than a unicorn or Santa Claus. Keeping your expectations mellow is a craft like anything else, so keep trying and give yourself kudos when you are able to swing it.

Look at me, I'm rambling again. I think this is a post to myself as much as anybody. Take care, Dude, and know that you're doing just fine.

Quote from: Bullett00th on August 15, 2013, 04:15:08 AM
Having recently begun my quest for finding the inner dude, I can't help but wonder about one dudeism aspect that doesn't really apply to real life. Or maybe I just misunderstand it?

Taking it easy and not worrying about stuff seems like the right way to do things, but we live in a material world where you have to work hard to live easy. Being pro-dude, I'm a lazy person who has been vainly trying to fight his laziness for my whole life, but never succeeded. I work hard on things I like and enjoy, or when I see the goal clearly, but sometimes I just don't care. And therein lies the problem.

It's always one of the two extremes: I either care and worry too much, or do not care at all. And both lead to stress - just one sooner than the other. It's obvious that nothing good comes out of worrying too much, but when I try to chill out, I tend to start forgetting stuff, becoming irresponsible and failing my tasks at work, which bothers me a great deal because I work with good people. Sooner or later I snap out of it, realize how things are screwed up, and start fixing everything in a big hurry and, obviously, big stress, which starts the cycle all over.
If anyone out here had a similar experience and managed to balance out the scales with abiding on one side and being responsible on the other, please share on how you came to this, as my boat is rocking left to right and I'm not sure which side to put my weight on so the other one doesn't drown.
Thanks in advance!


P.S. I hope it's not too undude to open up with a wall of text in here, but I really need advice from some experienced dudes on how to reach the balanced level of abidance.

This is what I've found:
It has taken me years to find my center and bring things back into perspective. As more past bills are getting paid off and I'm simplifying more and more things just seem to fall into that Abide balance. It's a relief to get out of the way of the rats who are running the race. The monkey still gets fed - I'm not ready to live off the grid yet, I like my apartment and my little comforts - but I'm learning to let go.
It just takes time, patience and a LOT of practice - and plenty of Caucasians and TBL.
S. Rinpoche: Learning to live is learning to let go.

Yeah I think MindAbiding pinned it down. It's unrealistic to be a perfect Dude, especially in this society where there are so many systems that prevent you from just doin your thing. Abiding is not avoiding the stressful things in life, rather facing them and realizing they're really not that important.

That my two pennies

You really nailed it with this post, and I agree with everything you say.

The problem here is that if it was just about me, I'd abide with most of the stuff happening. There's been some bad shit in life and I had a choice of either drowning in depression or letting go. The choice was obvious, and it became clear to me as to how selfish and childish depression can be.
I mean, I have a house to live in, a bed to sleep in, food to eat, people to talk to, places to go and activities to partake in should I wish to. All the rest is just luxury we can live without but get get used to. Hell, for many people on this planet even the aforementioned things are great luxury, and they can still live happily. Whenever I'm down for personal reasons, I just think that there are millions of people who would give anything to be in my place, and that helps. Everything is relative.

However society is a structure where people are dependant on one another. I can, with time and mental effort, untie my dependancies on many other people, but when I know some people depend on me, it just makes me feel bad to let them down. This is what really unbalances the scales for me. And when I tell some people to take it easy, they just look at me as if i don't understand anything in life or don't have any problems unlike them.

As fr as perfectionism goes - that's how I was raised, but that's not who I am. So there's always a fight deep within with one side trying to abide and do 'just enough', but soon after I have my consciousness kicking in to tell me what a slacker I am and that I should be ashamed of myself. I know it's stupid, but it's nice to hear this from someone else. Thanks

Quote from: MindAbiding on August 15, 2013, 09:26:44 AM
Hey Dude,

Nice post, man. You point out that taking it easy isn't always easy, and that's something I can definitely relate to. Here's my two cents; let me know what you think.

I don't think abiding is about either of the extremes, man, it's about balance, as the subject of your post points out. As much as we like to equate abiding with not doing things (except drinking White Russians and watching our sacred film), that's not the whole story. To me abiding is a question of whether I can remain relaxed and limber in everything I do. That includes long days at work and frustrations with coworkers. Abiding really isn't about the life you have (whether you're employed or unemployed, a bowler or a golfer-- it don't matter to Jesus), it's about how you relate to the life you have. Can you take things lightly and impersonally? Can you keep things in perspective? Can you recognize that whatever's got you in a vice right now is just a passing phase of life?

It sounds like you might be running up against a perfectionistic approach to life, so you either take things on fully or try not to even think about them ('cause they're so fucked up it stresses you out). But ultimately you're a conscientious guy so when you take your hands off the wheel for a little while you end up trying to "fix" everything you left undone.

I myself have dabbled in pefectionism, and it's a tough monkey to feed. See if you can lower your expectations a little, man. It's the gap between reality and what you think reality should be that gets you all fired up and anxious. For guys like us, abiding means accepting things as they are and recognizing that they couldn't be any other way. The "what ifs" and "if onlys" are just your mind playing tricks on you, man. They're no more real than a unicorn or Santa Claus. Keeping your expectations mellow is a craft like anything else, so keep trying and give yourself kudos when you are able to swing it.

Look at me, I'm rambling again. I think this is a post to myself as much as anybody. Take care, Dude, and know that you're doing just fine.

Glad what I wrote was useful, man, I can totally relate to being raised with exceedingly high standards (and internalizing those). It's a slow road trying to un-condition that stuff, but it's the only road that's really ours.

I think it's totally fine to be interconnected with people and dependent on others (and to have others dependent on you). Abiding definitely doesn't require isolation. And I also don't think it requires you to let people down. What are some examples from your life that get in the way of embracing your inner Dude?

One other thought, man, about letting people down. One family of uptight thinking that I find gets me down is trying to control what isn't mine to control. You have it within your power to formulate best intentions toward people around you and to respond to situations as well as you can in the moment. The rest, though, really isn't up to you. You can't control how things turn out most of the time, you can't control how others react, or if they're satisfied with what you've done. Recovering perfectionists like us often find ourselves trying to make everything right for everyone around us, but you gotta give them some space to work through it in their own way. And you gotta give up the crazy everyday voodoo of thinking that you're in charge.

When you find uptight thoughts creeping in, it's worth doing some reflection on this. Is it yours to control or is it not? Take care of the things that are within your control, and let up on the other stuff.  Or, as the monkey said:

Quote from: Bullett00th on August 15, 2013, 07:19:11 PM

However society is a structure where people are dependant on one another. I can, with time and mental effort, untie my dependancies on many other people, but when I know some people depend on me, it just makes me feel bad to let them down. This is what really unbalances the scales for me. And when I tell some people to take it easy, they just look at me as if i don't understand anything in life or don't have any problems unlike them.

As fr as perfectionism goes - that's how I was raised, but that's not who I am. So there's always a fight deep within with one side trying to abide and do 'just enough', but soon after I have my consciousness kicking in to tell me what a slacker I am and that I should be ashamed of myself. I know it's stupid, but it's nice to hear this from someone else. Thanks

I didn't really mean isolating myself from society as much as learning to not be tied to it. As in, enjoy what you have, but let go when you don't have it anymore.
Of course we still need interaction within the society. I just think it should use more helping hands than one hand controlling the other. And, importantly, never expecting anything in return for your help.

This is where my struggle with embracing the inner dude comes from - often I want to be helpful and just grab more tasks or make more promises than I can fulfill. Admittedly, I do things slower than many other peopel at work. It has to do with the pace of life, and the fact that I need to dig around my thoughts for a while before I can turn them into a text. Personally i don't think there is nothing wrong with that, but try telling that to the participants of the rat race

This is where I feel bad. If I do participate in the rat race, which I have no choice but to, I feel like I should follow its rules. Put on a helmet, get in and start pedalling. It feels like no place for sunglasses and a bathrobe
So, again, it comes down to the extremes - either working your ass off 24/7 or just saying fuck it and stopping. Both happened to me.

I got so sick and tired of my previous job with a shitty boss and shitty restrictions that allow 0 creativity, that one day I woke up, brushed my teeth, got dressed, approached the door, looked at myself in the mirror and saw the most miserable person I've ever seen. I knew I wanted to quit that job but I also needed experience in the field, which is why I kept going for a while, but that burnt me out VERY fast. So I turned off my phone, got back to bed and just slept. Needless to say, I was fired soon. And that was one of the happiest days of my life! I did NOTHING for two weeks, got healthier, happier, more energetic and found a way better job which I currently do.

I'm burnt out again now because it involves more work, responsibility and 'on the go' tasks. When I fail them, I feel bad because in here I have good people working with me. I can't just abide with the stress when I know i'm letting them down


As for the monkey - yeah, I love that approach. It' a buddhism thing if I'm not mistaken.


P.S. do YOU have a similar experience to share? because right now I feel like I'm just sitting here babbling and you're tapping me on the shoulder, which is great, but sorta feels like stupid complaining...

Quote from: MindAbiding on August 15, 2013, 09:10:08 PM

Glad what I wrote was useful, man, I can totally relate to being raised with exceedingly high standards (and internalizing those). It's a slow road trying to un-condition that stuff, but it's the only road that's really ours.

I think it's totally fine to be interconnected with people and dependent on others (and to have others dependent on you). Abiding definitely doesn't require isolation. And I also don't think it requires you to let people down. What are some examples from your life that get in the way of embracing your inner Dude?

One other thought, man, about letting people down. One family of uptight thinking that I find gets me down is trying to control what isn't mine to control. You have it within your power to formulate best intentions toward people around you and to respond to situations as well as you can in the moment. The rest, though, really isn't up to you. You can't control how things turn out most of the time, you can't control how others react, or if they're satisfied with what you've done. Recovering perfectionists like us often find ourselves trying to make everything right for everyone around us, but you gotta give them some space to work through it in their own way. And you gotta give up the crazy everyday voodoo of thinking that you're in charge.

Man, great post bulletooth. I can definitely relate. I too struggle with trying to find the balance between keeping up with work stuff and taking it easy. It's a tough rope to walk man and it can make you nuts. I tend to over analyze things too and it can make for some heavy thoughts, which in the end makes things even harder. My career's slowed down a little lately, which has been tough to deal with, especially when I got family members who have secure jobs telling me what I should be doing for work even though they have no frame of reference to what it's like to live this way. As for perfectionism, that's like chasing an invisible man. There's simply no such thing as anything being perfect. You can get close, but you'll also make yourself crazy worrying about the details. As for daily life, I just try to not let the little things(which really don't matter in the end) get to me, and roll with the gutters as they come, but it's hard sometimes to abide in this manner. Sometimes my inner Walter comes out no matter what I do.

One thing I've learned from reading these a'here posts is it seems not giving a fuck and still not being dependent on others truly is an art form.n I don't see your posts as whining, just getting shit off your chest, man. Good for you for recognizing that you need to.

Peace to you, Dude.     

Hey Bullett00th Dude,

Thanks for sharing, man! And Judd Dude, I think you're spot on when you say that abiding is truly an art form. I think some people take to it quite naturally and some people have to work at it. Turns out that doing things more simply isn't that easy. Let's face it, if abiding were as easy as flipping a mental switch, the Dudely Lama and others wouldn't have to be publishing books advocating for its importance. We'd already, like, be doing it man.

In terms of getting out of the rat race, I've got a slightly different experience with all of this. I'm an academic, so I'm kind of in a different rat race. But I went to grad school with lots of Achievers, and I continue to be surrounded by them. The last couple of years I've been at a fork in the road -- one way leads to greater achievement, more responsibilities, prestige, etc. The other way leads to all the things I like about the academic life-- being left alone to think about the things I like thinking about, not working 9-to-5, mentoring students. You can, if you choose, just enjoy all the benefits of that life if you consciously reject all the bullshit "honors" that people want you to chase, but it comes at a certain cost (Achievers thinking that you're lazy or that you've given up). But I've been walking that road for a year now, and it's been great.

I guess what I try to keep in mind career-wise is that it's all a game, man. We're all throwing out ringers for ringers. The truth, though, is that they're not gonna kill the poor woman if you don't deliver the money. Because there never was any money in the first place (and she kidnapped herself). So, I play the game. I try to be kind to people, and I try to do only as much as I need to to stay afloat. There are stressful times to be sure (there always are when you're surrounded by Achievers, and when you yourself have those tendencies) but I try to see them like a passing storm -- I just gotta batten down the hatches or whatever til this thing passes, do what I gotta do, and then move on.

Great post, mindabiding. I made a similar shift myself, from research psychology/neuroimaging to clinical work, and many achievers around me didn't understand the decision.

My clinical practice can be just as intense, and the stakes definitely higher, but it is a game like all the rest of them. Most enterprises involving people and money fit that game-like formulation IMO, and can therefore be played lightly and easily, or very heavy and stressed. It's hard to "take easy" someone's suicidality or self harm, but I can non-judgmentally abide through others' strikes and gutters, and give them the space to grow into their own dudeliness, so to speak.

Anyway, what type of academia are you in? I worked for years at a university counseling center and still work with lots of grad students and early career academics. It can be a visciously competitive world shot through with stress, that's for sure.

Quote from: MindAbiding on August 18, 2013, 11:37:00 AM
Hey Bullett00th Dude,

Thanks for sharing, man! And Judd Dude, I think you're spot on when you say that abiding is truly an art form. I think some people take to it quite naturally and some people have to work at it. Turns out that doing things more simply isn't that easy. Let's face it, if abiding were as easy as flipping a mental switch, the Dudely Lama and others wouldn't have to be publishing books advocating for its importance. We'd already, like, be doing it man.

In terms of getting out of the rat race, I've got a slightly different experience with all of this. I'm an academic, so I'm kind of in a different rat race. But I went to grad school with lots of Achievers, and I continue to be surrounded by them. The last couple of years I've been at a fork in the road -- one way leads to greater achievement, more responsibilities, prestige, etc. The other way leads to all the things I like about the academic life-- being left alone to think about the things I like thinking about, not working 9-to-5, mentoring students. You can, if you choose, just enjoy all the benefits of that life if you consciously reject all the bullshit "honors" that people want you to chase, but it comes at a certain cost (Achievers thinking that you're lazy or that you've given up). But I've been walking that road for a year now, and it's been great.

I guess what I try to keep in mind career-wise is that it's all a game, man. We're all throwing out ringers for ringers. The truth, though, is that they're not gonna kill the poor woman if you don't deliver the money. Because there never was any money in the first place (and she kidnapped herself). So, I play the game. I try to be kind to people, and I try to do only as much as I need to to stay afloat. There are stressful times to be sure (there always are when you're surrounded by Achievers, and when you yourself have those tendencies) but I try to see them like a passing storm -- I just gotta batten down the hatches or whatever til this thing passes, do what I gotta do, and then move on.

Thing is, it is natural for us to worry about the details. I mean, even the Dude loses it quite often throughout the movie, and it's fine to. It means he is still a human being that experiences emotions, with anger, anxiety and frustration being some of them. The art in here, I believe, is being able to filter them through and not let them stay inside leaving marks.
Only fools do not worry at all. Fools and maybe nihilists. But those believe in nossin!

Quote from: Judd Dude on August 16, 2013, 01:36:06 PM
Man, great post bulletooth. I can definitely relate. I too struggle with trying to find the balance between keeping up with work stuff and taking it easy. It's a tough rope to walk man and it can make you nuts. I tend to over analyze things too and it can make for some heavy thoughts, which in the end makes things even harder. My career's slowed down a little lately, which has been tough to deal with, especially when I got family members who have secure jobs telling me what I should be doing for work even though they have no frame of reference to what it's like to live this way. As for perfectionism, that's like chasing an invisible man. There's simply no such thing as anything being perfect. You can get close, but you'll also make yourself crazy worrying about the details. As for daily life, I just try to not let the little things(which really don't matter in the end) get to me, and roll with the gutters as they come, but it's hard sometimes to abide in this manner. Sometimes my inner Walter comes out no matter what I do.

One thing I've learned from reading these a'here posts is it seems not giving a fuck and still not being dependent on others truly is an art form.n I don't see your posts as whining, just getting shit off your chest, man. Good for you for recognizing that you need to.

Peace to you, Dude.     

Good on you, MindAbiding! The 'honors' don't mean anything if they are not important to you. No matter how high you climb in your career, there is always a step higher and people standing on it 'motivating' you to go that one extra step. Maybe sometimes people should stop, take a sit on the current step, light up a J and enjoy the view.

Quote from: MindAbiding on August 18, 2013, 11:37:00 AM
In terms of getting out of the rat race, I've got a slightly different experience with all of this. I'm an academic, so I'm kind of in a different rat race. But I went to grad school with lots of Achievers, and I continue to be surrounded by them. The last couple of years I've been at a fork in the road -- one way leads to greater achievement, more responsibilities, prestige, etc. The other way leads to all the things I like about the academic life-- being left alone to think about the things I like thinking about, not working 9-to-5, mentoring students. You can, if you choose, just enjoy all the benefits of that life if you consciously reject all the bullshit "honors" that people want you to chase, but it comes at a certain cost (Achievers thinking that you're lazy or that you've given up). But I've been walking that road for a year now, and it's been great.

I guess what I try to keep in mind career-wise is that it's all a game, man. We're all throwing out ringers for ringers. The truth, though, is that they're not gonna kill the poor woman if you don't deliver the money. Because there never was any money in the first place (and she kidnapped herself). So, I play the game. I try to be kind to people, and I try to do only as much as I need to to stay afloat. There are stressful times to be sure (there always are when you're surrounded by Achievers, and when you yourself have those tendencies) but I try to see them like a passing storm -- I just gotta batten down the hatches or whatever til this thing passes, do what I gotta do, and then move on.

I personally know someone suicidal, and it's been pretty tough, but I never told that person what I truly thought of their reasons for even the thought of ending the life. They were BS. People seem to be so stuck in their routine, goals or dreams that they are ready to give up on life if either of those doesn't work out. It's weird how much we are afraid of change and trying something new.

Quote from: PriorRestraint on August 18, 2013, 12:47:05 PM
My clinical practice can be just as intense, and the stakes definitely higher, but it is a game like all the rest of them. Most enterprises involving people and money fit that game-like formulation IMO, and can therefore be played lightly and easily, or very heavy and stressed. It's hard to "take easy" someone's suicidality or self harm, but I can non-judgmentally abide through others' strikes and gutters, and give them the space to grow into their own dudeliness, so to speak.

Hey PriorRestraint, dude,

I'm a psychologist, too, dude, but not the kind that helps people. I'm a post-doc in social/personality psychology, so I do research on everyday thinking and decision-making. Because my work isn't directly relevant to making people's lives better it makes it pretty easy to see it all as a game, and me as a player. I have a great deal of respect for Dudes like you, out there helping people through their shit.

Keep the faith, dudes!

Quote from: PriorRestraint on August 18, 2013, 12:47:05 PM
Great post, mindabiding. I made a similar shift myself, from research psychology/neuroimaging to clinical work, and many achievers around me didn't understand the decision.

My clinical practice can be just as intense, and the stakes definitely higher, but it is a game like all the rest of them. Most enterprises involving people and money fit that game-like formulation IMO, and can therefore be played lightly and easily, or very heavy and stressed. It's hard to "take easy" someone's suicidality or self harm, but I can non-judgmentally abide through others' strikes and gutters, and give them the space to grow into their own dudeliness, so to speak.

Anyway, what type of academia are you in? I worked for years at a university counseling center and still work with lots of grad students and early career academics. It can be a visciously competitive world shot through with stress, that's for sure.

Quote from: MindAbiding on August 18, 2013, 11:37:00 AM
Hey Bullett00th Dude,

Thanks for sharing, man! And Judd Dude, I think you're spot on when you say that abiding is truly an art form. I think some people take to it quite naturally and some people have to work at it. Turns out that doing things more simply isn't that easy. Let's face it, if abiding were as easy as flipping a mental switch, the Dudely Lama and others wouldn't have to be publishing books advocating for its importance. We'd already, like, be doing it man.

In terms of getting out of the rat race, I've got a slightly different experience with all of this. I'm an academic, so I'm kind of in a different rat race. But I went to grad school with lots of Achievers, and I continue to be surrounded by them. The last couple of years I've been at a fork in the road -- one way leads to greater achievement, more responsibilities, prestige, etc. The other way leads to all the things I like about the academic life-- being left alone to think about the things I like thinking about, not working 9-to-5, mentoring students. You can, if you choose, just enjoy all the benefits of that life if you consciously reject all the bullshit "honors" that people want you to chase, but it comes at a certain cost (Achievers thinking that you're lazy or that you've given up). But I've been walking that road for a year now, and it's been great.

I guess what I try to keep in mind career-wise is that it's all a game, man. We're all throwing out ringers for ringers. The truth, though, is that they're not gonna kill the poor woman if you don't deliver the money. Because there never was any money in the first place (and she kidnapped herself). So, I play the game. I try to be kind to people, and I try to do only as much as I need to to stay afloat. There are stressful times to be sure (there always are when you're surrounded by Achievers, and when you yourself have those tendencies) but I try to see them like a passing storm -- I just gotta batten down the hatches or whatever til this thing passes, do what I gotta do, and then move on.

That's awesome MindAbiding. Is it possible to direct message through this forum? We should get each others' emails. I'd love to be able to wax dudely with a fellow psychologist sometime.

Quote from: MindAbiding on August 24, 2013, 04:23:29 PM
Hey PriorRestraint, dude,

I'm a psychologist, too, dude, but not the kind that helps people. I'm a post-doc in social/personality psychology, so I do research on everyday thinking and decision-making. Because my work isn't directly relevant to making people's lives better it makes it pretty easy to see it all as a game, and me as a player. I have a great deal of respect for Dudes like you, out there helping people through their shit.

Keep the faith, dudes!

Quote from: PriorRestraint on August 18, 2013, 12:47:05 PM