Well, one thing's for sure. You can't hold the event on Shabbos. Shomer fucking Shabbos!!
The only drinks to be served at the reception should be White Russians and oat sodas, and the dress code should be pyjamas or bowling apparel. Speaking of which, the whole wedding should be bowling themed.
I would also advise a change in the vows:
'Will you be his special lady, abide with him, engage in coitus with his johnson so long as you both shall live, till your ashes are scattered to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean?'
But that's just, like, you know, my opinion, man.