Most of my regrets are from things that I said or did for which saying or doing nothing would have been preferable. This includes both situations where doing nothing was a good idea, and also situations where doing nothing was a bad, but better, idea. These regrets fall into two categories: times when I acted prematurely due to agitation while still confused about a matter, and times when I became certain about a matter prematurely due to agitation and then acted on it. My other regrets are from times when I knew exactly what to do, but did nothing, due to agitation.
Mere abidance, including patiently abiding my duties, would have prevented all of my problems. Down the Dudely trail lies freedom and prosperity. The other trails all loop right back here, and I can abide this place no longer.
Why did I study business? I have always hated making decisions. Oh well. I'd best get this small business startup thing over with.
So fuck it then.
Do what you do and move on.
If it hair lips the paraquat then fuck em.
It is good to get back to functioning as an adult after being too depressed to do anything for a few weeks. It sucks when you realize that you're feeling well enough to work again, and don't get to rest anymore. The experience is similar to returning to school after an illness.
My situation... it's... it's all one giant, bewildering mess, the work of many years, at once both beautiful and terrifying to contemplate. It's a shame to have to start fixing it. The constant, paralyzing dread was becoming familiar and comfortable.
I can do this. Kid President said so.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFGcrYPdrJU
I would say "fuck it" and do what I want, but none of the things that I want to do are helpful. I have to do a variety of things that I do not want to do in the least, including starting my business, so I will do these things instead. I don't want to make boxes for a living, but I don't have a realistic chance of finding employment. It's hard to argue in favor of hiring me when my job record is a series of firings and when I disagree with approximately all of my previous actions and decisions.
So, here's the process, then:
Step 1: Try to hate life less intensely.
Step 2: Try to fix things instead of just moping around.
Step 3: Repeat until enough things are fixed to make non-hate a realistic option.
"Abiding" is too hard right now. I'll just work towards "non-hate" the best that I can and try to avoid flying off the handle in the meantime.
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"Abiding" is too hard right now. I'll just work towards "non-hate" the best that I can and try to avoid flying off the handle in the meantime.
...can I just stay in one mood for a while? That would be nice. I like "calm." I want to just stay here at "calm."