On this happy day, let us wish (couple's names) a long and happy life, may you have more ups than downs, more strikes than gutters, and may your toilet seat always be down when not in use. Abide in peace.
Don't ever be the dipshit who marries a nine-toed woman ;D
to be repeated by the groom
I, state your name, swear by Dude and all that is far out, that your life is in my hands, that I will ever and always be shomer shabbos, that I will never be uncomfortable saying the word "vagina", and that, after we're divorced, if you ever ask me to watch your Pomeranian while you and Morty Ackerman are in Honolulu, I'll tell you to go fuck yourself.
how to start your wedding day: down a couple white russians, puff on your last bit of roach, and then say "fuck it, lets do this thing so we can go roll some frames."
preacher: "do you (name) take this woman to be your lawfully wedded dudette?"
dude: "yeah, man, sure, i'll take her wherever."
preacher: "you may now kiss the bride"
dude: "far out, man, far fucking out!"
and the organist must give a heartfelt rendition of "looking out my back door" as the happy couple makes their way back down the aisle.
the reception, of course, must be held at the nearest bowling alley, thats a given.