Help me, fellow dudes!
I seem to have sunk my thoughts into a girl at work, but it's the first time I completely cannot figure her out. She seems interested, but is very careful, distancing and a bit sad.
Recently I discovered she's been dating someone who she can't be with anymore because they live far away and you know how long distance relationships are.
Thing is, I can't hit on girls who are with someone, even if they are up for it. It's just very undude in my book, and simply goes against the bro code. I've been in situations where I dated someone who knew she was the love interest of a different guy, and used him. At first I didn't care, but things turned out in such a way that I got to know the guy, and he's very dude. It just feels wrong to even try deprive him of his chance.
Now I'm in a seemingly similar situation, but I've lost it and it's bad. What do you say dudes, should I just go for it or would it be very undude? I would hate myself if I became the reason of a couple's breakup...
What would the Dude do?
Rule #1. Don't shit where you eat!
Getting involved with someone at work is great if it all works out and you ride off into the proverbial sunset together, but if it goes bad you're stuck seeing this person as long as you work there. Personally I would look outside the workplace for potential love interests. That's just me.
What would Dude do? He might just say "that's my robe." and commence coitus. But since he's unemployed he doesn't have to worry about post coital awkwardness in the workplace. Good luck man.
I know man, work relationships are a strict taboo for me which was pretty easy to maintain so far. But this is the case where I just lost it. You know, this happens
Don't shit where you eat ... Is that some kind of eastern thing ?
I only ask because I use to know a guy who wanted to go to Thailand so he could have a hooker shit on his chest. God I've known some weird people !?!
Quote from: milnie on August 23, 2013, 02:19:21 PM
Don't shit where you eat ... Is that some kind of eastern thing ?
I only ask because I use to know a guy who wanted to go to Thailand so he could have a hooker shit on his chest. God I've known some weird people !?!
well, that escalated quickly :D
Sorry dude, couldnt help myself. You smoke a j and weird memories pop up sometimes :)
Funnily enough this is precisely the time to just take it easy, man.
From the sounds of the situation, even if you decide it's something you're completely cool with getting into, the whole thing hinges on exactly where she's at with her other dude. If they don't really want to be splitting up but are doing so purely for logistical reasons, you probably don't want to go there - for now at least.
If, on the other hand, they're finishing proper, the lady will probably want to let things chill a while before starting the next thing, meaning you probably don't want to go there - for now at least.
Take a step back, be a friend, be a dude, go with the flow and don't try and force anything. Let what happens happen, if you like how it sounds. If it doesn't work out now, don't let the reason be that you weren't cool.
My tuppence worth, anyway. Whether it's any good... well, dude, we just don't know :) Take it easy fella.
Quote from: milnie on August 23, 2013, 02:19:21 PM
Don't shit where you eat ... Is that some kind of eastern thing ?
I only ask because I use to know a guy who wanted to go to Thailand so he could have a hooker shit on his chest. God I've known some weird people !?!
You don't need to go to Thailand for that, there are sick fucks worldwide.
You don't need to go to Thailand for that, there are sick fucks worldwide.
[/quote]
Yeah but they're all a bunch of fucking amateurs.
QuoteTake a step back, be a friend, be a dude, go with the flow and don't try and force anything. Let what happens happen, if you like how it sounds. If it doesn't work out now, don't let the reason be that you weren't cool.
From mrpaddy
And I'm not just quoting this because we both have "paddy" in our names. I think that this is the best strategy as well. It happens all the time, it's part of being a person, but the thought that I will be happier with this person, this thing, this relationship, usually gets in the way of happiness with the people, things, relationships we have now. In my own case I was getting out of one relationship, and talking about a relationship with somebody else who was not exactly happy in her relationship, when I met someone
else completely out of the blue. And here I am three years later, still with her, and I could not have predicted it at all. Like some sort of Maude-standing-in-the-middle-of-my-trashed-apartment beginning to a completely un-looked for relationship.
It reminds me of the quote from Super Troopers that has always stuck with me, "Desperation is a stinky cologne." (Don't worry, I am not calling anyone in this thread desperate!). But I think when you try to force things too much, stuff can get stinky... Like some vagrant had just used our efforts as a bathroom and moved on...
And hey, as long as whatever is consensual, who are we to judge...?
Far out, another Paddy! Nice story, dude. And an awesome name.
The Paddys are completly right, dude. If she is into it too, why bother?
But I know how you feel. Thorn appart by yourself.
When it comes to the interactions of heart and mind, I quote a froggy old writer (Blaise Pascale).
The heart has its reasons, that reason does not know about.
The choice concerning which one you want to follow remains in your hands, dude.
Mind if I chime in from a female perspective?
Mark it 8 for those Dudes who say wait!
Sometimes people want something that is unreachable more than the thing that is right there in front of them - yum forbidden fruit, everybody wants it!
Wait till she is over her out of reach guy. They may actually work things out! If you get involved before her current relationship is completely over you may be hurt even more.
Are you sure that she isn't forbidden fruit to you?
A few things that struck me about your post - "She seems interested, but is very careful, distancing and a bit sad."
Many people enjoy flirting, so I wonder if what you see as her being interested may actually be her just being flirtatious? I flirt with guys I would never want a zesty relationship with - old guys, guys young enough to be my kid, guys who are just friends, married guys, gay guys, gay married guys, even women. Flirting is fun but sometimes people think that flirting is a sign of interest when it isn't necessarily that at all. For some people flirting is just a way to make others feel good about themselves and to have some fun. Try to figure out if that could be the case with her. I know flirting can muddy the waters and confuse people who don't understand it, but damn it's fun especially with the right people who know how to keep their toe from crossing the line.
She just might want a friend, so be a Dude about it, the "careful, distancing" part makes me think she has put up an emotional barrier.
The "sad" part makes me wonder if she is an Eeyore (from Winnie the Pooh or the Tao of Pooh - take your pick) think seriously do you want to be with somebody who is possibly an Eeyore? My ex was one - "that's OK, I'll just stand here in the rain" - that mentality is hard to live with, sure you feel sorry for an Eeyore, you want to cheer them up but an Eeyore can only cheer up him or herself up. I lived with my Eeyore for 22 years, it's like somebody is pissing on your rug daily!
So I would wait until she is no longer sad and she removes the barriers. In the meantime look outside of work - work relationships can be messy and affect employment - maybe even ask her if she has any friends that she thinks may be your type, that way she knows you're open to a relationship, maybe planting that seed will make her think of you and her current situation or perhaps she will find a good match for you.
Matters of the heart can really suck, especially when the thought of one person makes you miss possibilities with others.
My take is that Bo Abide's words of wisdom ought to be printed in a manual for guys and romance. Very nice, and very insightful!
Quote from: MindAbiding on August 30, 2013, 11:37:39 PM
My take is that Bo Abide's words of wisdom ought to be printed in a manual for guys and romance. Very nice, and very insightful!
Awww, thanks, that's really nice of you to say.
Quote from: Bo Abides on August 30, 2013, 07:09:53 PM
Mark it 8 for those Dudes who say wait!
Much respect at all times for a lady who rhymes. :)
thanks everyone, especially Bo, cause I direly needed a female perspective. I guess mark it 8 indeed, although I really want to flash out my piece duing this game
A time and a place dude. Best to keep it tucked away for now ;)
She asked me to do a J with her. It was her first time. She didn't feel anything.
I feel freaking weird now
Why do you feel weird, Dude? You smoked a j with your fuckin lady friend (you're just helping her smoke weed, man). Did some weird shit happen?
Quote from: MindAbiding on August 30, 2013, 11:37:39 PM
My take is that Bo Abide's words of wisdom ought to be printed in a manual for guys and romance. Very nice, and very insightful!
Agreed. Very eloquently put, Bo Abides! Especially the Eeyore reference, I knew a girl in high school(still know her) who was just like that. I even bought her an Eeyore wrist watch for Christmas one year-because she wanted one! Looking back I don't know why I was ever interested in her for more than a friend. Hindsight...
Good luck with your lady woes, Bulletooth.
Quote from: MindAbiding on September 09, 2013, 07:43:48 AM
Why do you feel weird, Dude? You smoked a j with your fuckin lady friend (you're just helping her smoke weed, man). Did some weird shit happen?
nah, but it was a very big step for her and she built up courage for it :)
Quote from: Judd Dude on September 09, 2013, 10:59:07 AM
Agreed. Very eloquently put, Bo Abides! Especially the Eeyore reference, I knew a girl in high school(still know her) who was just like that. I even bought her an Eeyore wrist watch for Christmas one year-because she wanted one! Looking back I don't know why I was ever interested in her for more than a friend. Hindsight...
Good luck with your lady woes, Bulletooth.
Thanks mate. as for her possibly being an Eeyore - I understand that this may lead to no good, but at this point it's beyond reason. besides, all of us know how depressing big amounts of stress can be, eh? if nothing else, I'd at least try to show her the ways of abiding so that she can take it easier in life :)
Just came back here to express my dudely gratitude to everyone who told me to wait and slow down.
I don't have the slightest idea how things are gonna go from here, but I've just harvested the fruit of my patience and it's sweeter than sugar.
So thanks you VERY much for the wise advice! You made one doubtful dude very happy!
Quote from: Bullett00th on October 02, 2013, 06:02:14 PM
I've just harvested the fruit of my patience and it's sweeter than sugar.
You mean coitus? ;D
No need to answer that, Dude!
Fuckin' Bo Abides... that creep can roll, man
Quote from: MindAbiding on October 02, 2013, 07:14:11 PM
Quote from: Bullett00th on October 02, 2013, 06:02:14 PM
I've just harvested the fruit of my patience and it's sweeter than sugar.
You mean coitus? ;D
No need to answer that, Dude!
He fixes the cable ;D
I had a funny answer to make, but it might be a little too zesty...
Quote from: DigitalBuddha on October 03, 2013, 02:44:32 AM
Quote from: Bullett00th on October 03, 2013, 01:22:12 AM
He fixes the cable ;D
Separate incidences?
Actually, there was no cable. But there was milk.
Jokes aside, the whole situation was pretty funny. I was at her place once and saw her bar which among other stuff had vodka and kahlua. So I said 'all you need now is milk'. She laughed and said she's gonna buy some the other day on her way back from work. The next day I was working really late, and just before leaving for home she appeared online and said that she forgot milk. So I, being a fool in love, went to the shop, bought milk and went to the other side of the city. Got her to come out, handed her the milk and just poured out the most romantic speech my brain could deliver. Fuckin A man, it worked!
Quote from: Havazhyol on October 03, 2013, 08:35:30 AM
I had a funny answer to make, but it might be a little too zesty...
Go ahead, this isn't Nam
M'kay, since you said I could here's my zesty thought : speaking of sugar, she's going to have her concentrated fructose from you as well...
Told you... Sorry if inconvenient...
Quote from: Havazhyol on October 04, 2013, 01:39:43 AM
M'kay, since you said I could here's my zesty thought : speaking of sugar, she's going to have her concentrated fructose from you as well...
It's a very nice!
(http://i3.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article148121.ece/ALTERNATES/s615/sacha-baron-cohen-as-borat-pic-pa-266668252-148121.jpg)
I'm struggling with soppy feelings at the moment too. There's this girl (isn't there always) who I've felt very strongly about for.. nearly.. a couple of years now. I love her, but then again I'm only 24 years old and I'm constantly wondering whether I know the meaning of the word. She knows how I feel about her and even though she's intimated to me in the past that she does think a lot of me.. I'm pretty sure that she'll never feel the same way as I do no matter how much I hope for that. The problem is that before these feelings were born we were very close friends, still are.. in fact, but I'm really struggling/sucking at being a friend right now. She seems quite comfortable and happy with the way that our relationship is at the moment... but my heart just feels like it's aching for days and days after I see her. She's a wonderful lady but I can't help but wonder if it would be better if we weren't friends as I'm finding it really tricky to mentally move on when she's a constant in my life. I should just man up and be thankful that I have such a great friendship, but I'm really struggling at the moment :-[
Quote from: Dan Dando on November 01, 2013, 05:56:51 AM
I'm struggling with soppy feelings at the moment too. There's this girl (isn't there always) who I've felt very strongly about for.. nearly.. a couple of years now. I love her, but then again I'm only 24 years old and I'm constantly wondering whether I know the meaning of the word. She knows how I feel about her and even though she's intimated to me in the past that she does think a lot of me.. I'm pretty sure that she'll never feel the same way as I do no matter how much I hope for that. The problem is that before these feelings were born we were very close friends, still are.. in fact, but I'm really struggling/sucking at being a friend right now. She seems quite comfortable and happy with the way that our relationship is at the moment... but my heart just feels like it's aching for days and days after I see her. She's a wonderful lady but I can't help but wonder if it would be better if we weren't friends as I'm finding it really tricky to mentally move on when she's a constant in my life. I should just man up and be thankful that I have such a great friendship, but I'm really struggling at the moment :-[
be thankful about being in the friendzone, especially when she knows? nah mate. I say go for it. if you are friends and you see each other often, this just fuels your feelings. and if you aree really good friends, a relationship should be even better.
she may never feel the same way as you do, but does it matter? if you truly love a person, you give and expect nothing back. NOTHING. this way you will never be disapointed and only be happy if you do get something back.
being realistic, your push may ruin your friendship if she really isn't into the idea, but either way something has to be sacrificed.
My current situation with the aforementioned girl is quite difficult atm, but I keep pushing. I just have no choice now. a great confidence boost too
When my wife and I announced our engagement both our mothers said "it's about time!". I was 25 at the time, that was back in the stone age (not to be mistaken with the stoned age, that was when my wife was a hippie).
Glad to see things are(sort of) working out for you bullett. You seem like a cool soul, and cool souls deserve happiness man.
@dan dando- man I feel for ya. I went thru a lot of that in my late teens early 20's. it was pure torture and I was constantly filled with angst and always brooding. As time went on I began thinking why waste my time on girls who won't waste time on me? It's really helped to sort out the keepers from the toss-back'ers along my life's journey. Sure I had a few along the way that were very un-dude, but I found that out soon enough and moved on. My point I guess is it shouldn't be all out work trying to get someone to notice you. I believe it should just happen naturally, perhaps from a simple hello. Good luck man.
Quote from: Judd Dude on November 24, 2013, 10:39:14 AM
Glad to see things are(sort of) working out for you bullett. You seem like a cool soul, and cool souls deserve happiness man.
thanks mate, but I've given up. after a time I simply understood that she won't let me go any further but she doesn't push me away either, and this started growing old, feelings or not. later on I found out she was playing the same game with 2 more guys. both from the place we work at. made moving on a whole lot easier, I should have listened to Eddie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-k6wRb8SkIg) :)
that said, I regret nothing. my feelings for her were EXTREMELY strong and I went out of my way and did things I would otherwise never do to win her appreciation. in the end of the day what I got was experience and a good boost in confidence, just knowing what I can do if I really want to.
And I'm glad to be back to the more dudely way of life with a healthy portion of 'fuck it' attitude
Quote from: Bullett00th on November 24, 2013, 08:13:49 PM
I should have listened to Eddie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-k6wRb8SkIg) :)
Thanks dude, I just pissed my pants.
I did not know Mr Ed made stand up shows. Here in Froggyland he is known for his movies. Gotta find the whole show now, I loved this part ^^.
Many thanks again BTdude.
Quote from: Havazhyol on November 25, 2013, 03:26:52 PM
Quote from: Bullett00th on November 24, 2013, 08:13:49 PM
I should have listened to Eddie (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-k6wRb8SkIg) :)
Thanks dude, I just pissed my pants.
I did not know Mr Ed made stand up shows. Here in Froggyland he is known for his movies. Gotta find the whole show now, I loved this part ^^.
Many thanks again BTdude.
no problem. I myself discovered his standup career relatively recently, maybe 2 years ago, but that was way before his movie career. if you ask me, he's a better standup comedian than he is an actor. not that I'm saying he's not a great actor, but he IS a phenomenal comedian. at the age of 21 he was gathering a full stadium and made them piss their pants laughing.
this video is from Raw, but there is no full version of it on Youtube as far as I know.
There's another one, Delirious (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhcBhA4VPzE), I suggest you watch it first.
The guy hilarious
Hey bullet, just read your reply. Well that's a fuckin bummer it didn't work out, but better now than later when your heavily invested in it all. Least you learned some things about yourself and got a 'boost', and I like the fuck it approach you took. Very a propos in this case man. Take 'er easy dude.
As someone who's eternally single, I hope you find your special lady soon.
Quote from: Judd Dude on December 02, 2013, 07:48:02 PM
Hey bullet, just read your reply. Well that's a fuckin bummer it didn't work out, but better now than later when your heavily invested in it all. Least you learned some things about yourself and got a 'boost', and I like the fuck it approach you took. Very a propos in this case man. Take 'er easy dude.
thanks Judd! It's all good in the end, we still communicate normally despite the initial awkwardness, but the important thing here is that I tried. Doubts are pointless :)
I'd say there's a dudely approach to this: knowing when to let people go. It's damn important, especially in love, because I'll be damned if it's not the strongest drug I know. Literally.
Quote from: Masked Dude on December 03, 2013, 08:25:24 PM
As someone who's eternally single, I hope you find your special lady soon.
Thanks buddy, you too. I'm single most of the time as well, but that's nothing to cry about, really. the less you truly care, the more fine with yourself you become and the more people pull towards you. ladies always need extra effort from you of course, and that is why so many dudes are single :)
In my opinion it's best to not put labels on things.
If you dig her let her know. It's not hitting on her. So she's not your special lady friend.
You are only a paraquat if you try to score behind her old mans back.
If her old man is uptight about you digging her and showing it then he is being very undude. and will probably not be able to hang. Long as nobody is being uncool and lying it's all good.
Hey if she really is a cool chick then it's likely her old man is cool also.
Disarm the situation and hang with both of them.
Don't put labels on things. It's all just people.
Roll with the flow. Make the world bigger not smaller.
I don't know her family, she's from another town.
I do have a tendency of good relationships with a girl's parents, but experience showed it does nothing to help the relationship with the girl
Quote from: Bullett00th on August 23, 2013, 10:40:03 AM
Help me, fellow dudes!
I seem to have sunk my thoughts into a girl at work, but it's the first time I completely cannot figure her out. She seems interested, but is very careful, distancing and a bit sad.
Recently I discovered she's been dating someone who she can't be with anymore because they live far away and you know how long distance relationships are.
Thing is, I can't hit on girls who are with someone, even if they are up for it. It's just very undude in my book, and simply goes against the bro code. I've been in situations where I dated someone who knew she was the love interest of a different guy, and used him. At first I didn't care, but things turned out in such a way that I got to know the guy, and he's very dude. It just feels wrong to even try deprive him of his chance.
Now I'm in a seemingly similar situation, but I've lost it and it's bad. What do you say dudes, should I just go for it or would it be very undude? I would hate myself if I became the reason of a couple's breakup...
What would the Dude do?
Fuckin eh about the hitting on girls in relation ships no matter what but I think you should wait till after the break up than say would you like to have dinner with me hope I can or did help good luck friend