The Little Lebowski Script
by
c.c.keiser and The Lennon
We see a young girl of about 15 sitting in her bedroom, she is dressed mostly in black and is wearing way too much black and purple eye liner. She is sitting at a computer typing furiously. Every few seconds she stops and we see the computer screen change rapidly flickering one page after another.
We watch this as once again we hear the voice of Sam Elliot.
Voice Over
Well there dudes it's been a while but I have another doozy of a story to tell you about.
This here story I call The Little Lebowski...since it is more about the daughter of The Dude and Maude than it is about The Dude Himself. Oh The Dude plays his part for sure, as does Walter and the rest of the gang from The Big Lebowski, but the real star is his offspring.
It's like 16 years later since the Dude and Maude got together and their offspring..a daughter...Geoff Lebowski has just turned 15. Yeah, Maude has named her daughter Geoff..."For All the obvious reasons" according to Maude. Which, unfortunately, seems to be based on an inside joke and only obvious to Maude and a few of her very close friends.
As for Geoff,...well she didn't mind her name and never though anything of it when she was younger, but attending Private School has changed her attitude about...well...just about everything!
She was always off scale, spoiled, opinionated and precocious; much like Maude herself, but since turning 14 she has turned Emo. Of course Maude and company thought Geoff "Indigo" and she always tested 'off the charts' so this drastic transformation to Emo Goth has them all beside themselves. Geoff has taken to hacking in a big way and is somewhat famous among the underground computer hackers.
The Dude is still The Dude, but now has a job as caretaker of the lodgings for Marty. The Dude gets free rent for collecting and maintaining while his landlord Marty is in New York as the President of an off Broadway Theater Group. Marty is doing very well and may not return for sometime to come; if at all.
One of the other renters is the checkout girl from Ralph's who The Dude is now dating on a steady basis.
Walter now runs Sobchak Security which hires and trains Mall security guards. But that is just a front for Walter's real business of finding and training private black-ops agents for a International Private Military Company.
Walter has a Red Phone with a direct connection to "The Big Dick" which he carries with him at all times; even bowling. It only has that one number on it, and Walter drops everything whenever it rings. Walter answers it with a salute and "Sir! Yes Sir!" no matter where he is when The Big Dick calls.
Walter claims he was waterboarded once when he didn't answer when The Big Dick called on a Saturday!
Bunny is now married to Walter after Brent and Maude's father, the other Jeffery Lebowski, took the million and ran off to Argentina together. It is rumored they have a doctor there who can fix his legs. There is another rumor he was never really crippled.
Da Fino...our Brother Shamus...well, he now works for Walter. He stays just out of sight for the most part but is always close at hand. He runs the day to day operations for the Mall Security for Walter and transfers promising candidates for the Black-ops operations.
And you never would have guessed, but Woo and Blondie are now on The Dude and Walter's bowling team. Woo now anchors the team and out rolls Jesus Quintana just about every time they meet. Jesus is trying to get Woo to join his team.
Jesus Quintana got his wish and is now a School Bus driver.
As for Little Larry Sellers...well to everyone's surprise, he became a best selling author and the head writer for a major movie and TV studio.
After their run in with Walter, the nihilist Uri Kunkel, Kieffer and Franz vanished from the face of the Earth and were never heard from again.
End Voice over:
Just as The Stranger finishes this last sentence we see Geoff's computer screen go white and a 403 error pops up.
Geoff exclaims in a very pissed off tone: Shit!...Fuck!....Shit!
Scene 1
Walter still dressed in his Sobchak Security General's uniform; which looks rather suspiciously like a French Foreign Legion Officer's uniform, burst into The Dudes place screaming.
Walter: Keep that brat of yours Out of my Computer System! I'm warning you, if she hacks past my firewall one more time there will be Consequences!
The Dude: What the Fuck Walter?
Walter: I'm not fooling around here Dude. Big Dick is pissed as hell and heads will roll!
Tell your daughter she is messin' with the Wrong Fuckin' People here and if she doesn't knock it off she could get hurt. No no ...tell her she Will get hurt! You Do Not want to get Big Dick really pissed. Believe me, he's got connections and people just vanish like they never been born!
The Dude: What the fuck Walter you moron. You know Geoff doesn't live here, she lives with Maude. I haven't seen or heard from either since her last birthday. Go knock down Maude's door and yell at her!
Walter: Dude! You know I can't get within 500 feet of Maude since that incident and she slapped a restraining order on me. Hell, I can't even call her on the phone without her calling the cops! The Big Dick doesn't like the local authorities poking around our business. Besides, Maude doesn't listen to me.
Maybe she will listen to you Dude. Call her up and tell her Big Dick is really pissed and if Geoff doesn't stop messin' around with our computer system things could get bad; and I mean real bad. There's stuff in there that could get people killed...a whole lot of people.
The Dude: Fuck Walter, Maude wont listen to me either, not that it would do any good talking to Geoff either. She's as stubborn as Maude. Besides, how do you know it's Geoff getting into your system? It could be anyone!
Walter: We have our ways of tracking anyone anywhere in our system, but mostly because she left her icon all over our pages. Good thing she only got past the first firewall and didn't do any real damage, but she keeps it up and she could put everyone at risk.
The Dude: Ok, I will call Maude and see what I can do, but I can't promise anything.
Walter: You gotta make her listen Dude...people could get hurt. I could get hurt! Big Dick doesn't fool around.
The Dude: I hear ya, I hear ya. I'll do what I can.
You ready? We got to pick up Woo on the way to the alley. His car is in the shop again.
Walter: Again!! Don't know why the fuck he keeps that foreign piece of shit. It's in the shop more than he drives it. Yeah, I got my ball in the Hummer. Fuck it Dude. Let's go bowling!?
Scene 2:
The Dude and Walter arrive at the bowling alley and walk through the double doors. They walk along the long strip of freshly vacuumed carpet that sits behind the lanes when The Dude notices in the corner of his eye, a familiar face. The Dude puts his hand out to stop Walter and turns to the left to see Geoff throwing a gutter ball.
Geoff: Mother****er!! (Geoff screams to the pins still standing... mocking her)
The Dude walks down the steps to the lanes with Walter not too far behind holding a pair of bowling shoes and his ball.
The Dude: Geoff what are you doing here, where is your mother?
Geoff: oh... Hello Father, I've come to enlist your help.
The Dude: Wh- Help with what? What the f*** are you doing here?
Geoff: I'm here to tell you that I've run away and I need a place to hide for a couple of days.
Walter: Alright you little twerp, what have you done now?
Geoff: Is this really going to turn into a interrogation? I came here for your help, if I wanted to be scolded then I would go back to Mother.
The Dude: Alright we'll hear you out, can we add some games on your lane?
Geoff: Sure, whatever you want, I'll even pay for your games because I know you're financially inept.
Walter: NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME-
The Dude: Walter just calm down, we don't want to make a scene here man, this isn't the place, you don't want the cops to be called again, you're already got one warning, one more slip up and you'll be kicked off the league man.
Walter: *sigh*, you're right, thanks dude. Okay, you little brat, the minute we get back to the dudes place, you're going to get a talking to!
Geoff: Go suck it Walter.
Walter lunges at Geoff but is grabbed by the Dude just in time.
Walter: You're lucky your dad is here to restrain me, you'd be in those pins if I had my way.
Geoff glares at Walter and the scene ends.
Scene 3:
The scene begins with the three sitting in the chairs next to the Lanes discussing Geoff's run-away.
Geoff: Due to my rebelliousness Mother is planning to send me off to a public school in Northern California, she thinks that it would teach me how to respect others if I knew what it felt like to be ostracized for my unique talents. To tell you the truth I hate the idea, the last place I would want to go is the capital, and I have a feeling that is where she is going to send me.
The Dude: No fuckin' way! You?! Public School!? No fuckin' way. She's just trying to scare you. No fuckin' way would Maude ever seriously consider letting you attend public school. There hasn't been a Lebowski in public school since...well since the fuckin' revolution! That's on your mom's side of the family of course.
Walter: Reform school's more fitting. Would serve you right you little brat. Stay the fuck out of my computer system!
Geoff: Hey Walter you call that a computer system!? A 5 year old could hack your firewall. Better go check on your Chinaman. Looks like that fuckin' bus driver Quintana is crawling up his ass. Don't want him to soil himself all over his nice new bowling shoes! Go boy...go fetch!
Walter reaches for Geoff, but the Dude holds him back with an out stretched arm.
Walter: You little...! Ok dude, you talk to your little monster. I'll get Woo and Blondie and see about an alley.
Walter leaves and the Dude talks to Geoff.
The Dude: So what the fuck is this all about anyway? What did you do to get Maude so fuckin' mad?
Geoff: Nothing really. I mean nothing bad. Just poking around on Walter's system a little. Didn't even mess with it really; just left my calling card to say "Hi" I was here is all. Their firewall is a joke. I did them a favor really. Walter should be thanking me for showing how lame is security is.
But no, Walter and his Nazi masters had to call the authorities. Frickin' goons from Home Land Insecurity paid Mother and I a visit. They took my fucking computer!!!
Walter's a bad boy you know. I didn't tell him, but I got past all his shitty security and poked around some of his private stuff before they shut it down. Walter's been a very naughty boy.
The Dude: Shit Geoff! Homeland Security?! The fuckin' Feds!? You can't do that fuckin' stuff and not expect people to get pissed. It's not like it was back in the 60s. People get fuckin' nuts about security now.
Geoff: Fuck it pops, you going to assist my or not? I don't need another lecture, especially from You! You were not exactly the model child either. I thought you would understand! But fuck it, if you will not assist me, I know others who will. And without all these fucking questions!
The Dude: Just hold on one fuckin' minute. I didn't say I wouldn't help, just wanted to know the fuckin' details. You can stay at my place till I talk with your Mother and Walter and see if I can get this whole thing straighten out.
Damn, Geoff, didn't anyone ever teach you how to bowl?
Walter, Woo and Blondie stroll back over to The Dude and Geoff.
Walter (eyeing Geoff suspiciously): Dude, we're heading to the bar for some oat soda, coming?
The Dude: Nah, I'll just order a drink here. I'm going to give Geoff a few bowling lessons.
Off in the background just within Walter's eyesight Da Fino signals Walter with a slight nod of his head.
Geoff catches the signal in the reflection of the score monitor and bolts before anyone can make a move. She had been sitting so she could keep and eye on Da Fino all along and suspected something was up. She knew better than use the public exits and picked the alley next to the runway that goes back behind the pin setters when she first got there. She bolts down the runway and out the back exit with Da Fino chasing but far behind and lagging more so every second.
Geoff slams out the back exit and vanishes into the night.
Scene: 4
The Dude just watches as Geoff leaves through the door, knowing that there was nothing he could do to stop her. He turns around and shoots Walter a "What the fuck" sort of look.
Da Fino follows her out the door but comes back inside minutes later panting and holding the side of his stomach.
Walter: Dude uh, I've got some uh, laundry to do, I'll see you later.
The Dude: Walter I know what's going on, I'm not stupid okay?
Walter: I know dude you're not stupid, I've just got some things I've got to sort out.
The Dude: What about you spying on my daughter? What the fuck Walter? Are you trying to give me a heart attack?
Walter: No dude... look, this isn't about you anymore okay, this is much bigger than the both of us. You don't want to get wrapped up in this shit.
The Dude: Walter, she's my daughter, how can I not get wrapped up?
Walter: ......Good point, okay dude, you're daughter is now a threat to national security, we are going to have to find her and keep her out of trouble before she ends up in federal prison.
The Dude: But she's under age.
Walter: I know that dude, but we are dealing with people who make the rules here, they can bend a few things if they want to.
The Dude: sigh, fine, what are we going to do?
Walter: We have to find her, do you know of any places that she likes to hang out?
The Dude: Maud would probably know more about that than I would, you know that.
Walter: Alright dude, calm down, this isn't a big deal.
The Dude: This is a big deal!!
Walter: Okay, this is a big deal but it's nothing to get stressed over.Okay dude? You're being very undude right now, just relax for a moment and take a deep breath okay dude?
The dude takes a deep breath and relax's.and changes his tone to something more subtle.
The Dude: okay.. what are we going to do.
Walter: That's the dude I know, alright here's the plan. We're going to go talk to Maud about where Geoff might go, if we can find the clues then we will find the answer.
The Dude: Alright, but what about the games?
Walter: what you think we are going to do that right now? Fuck no, We came here to bowl, and that's what we are going to do. Besides Geoff paid for the games, no use putting them to waste right?
Walter signals Da Fino to leave the alley without him and nods like he knows what he's doing.
The Dude: Sigh, I guess you're right.
Walter: Yeahh!! That's the dude I know!
Walter slaps the dude lightly on the back and picks up the ball, and the scene ends.
Scene 5:
We cut to the outside of a bungalow. The view is from across the street. It's very dark out with only a half moon for light. The shades are pulled down with a soft light backlighting the shade in the window and also a shade in a diamond shaped window cut into the door on a small stoop.
We cautiously pan up and down the street as we slowly approach the front stoop of the bungalow, then more quickly till we are safely on the stoop. 99 Luftballons by Nena (the 2002 version) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZRZ1RPf_d_E is softly playing in the background.
A small hand reaches out and raps lightly three times on the screen door. It's more of a scratch than a knock. We wait for a few seconds then the hand raps again, but just slightly louder. The music stops playing right in the middle of the song.
The shade in the diamond shaped window in the door is pulled just slightly aside as the shadow of a head is backlit.
The door opens just enough to see a thin woman's foot just inside. She is wearing expensive looking Italian sandals with only one loop around the big toe and two straps wrapping up a slender ankle. The toenails are polished a forest green. The little toe is missing.
Geoff: Neune it's me Geoff. Let me in quick.
The door opens a little wider: A thin lady of about 40 with long blond hair sticks her head out and quickly looks up and down the street as she gently grabs Geoff by one shoulder.
Neune speaks with a heavy German accent: I heard! Make haste.
Geoff is gently but quickly pulled in. As Geoff clears the door we get just a peak of the inside. When Geoff and Neune step aside we see in the dim light what looks like none other than Knox Harrington sitting with his legs crossed on a large overstuffed chair next to an end table with a table lamp and a yellow, red and purple paisley scarf hanging over the lampshade to soften the light.
The door closes and the inside lights are dimmed to near out. 99 Luftballons by Nena softly starts playing from where it had left off.
Fade to black.
We fade back in at the bar in the bowling alley. Woo and Blondie are just getting up to leave. The Dude and Walter are still seated, each fondling a bottle of beer, but not really drinking.
Walter speaks to Woo and Blondie as they leave: Ok, guys good practice. See you Wednesday and stay away from fuckin' Quintana.. He knows he can't beat us so he's just trying to mess with your head. Don't let him get to you Woo! He'll mess you up good.
Woo and Blondie give a 'Ah shit' wave as they exit the bar.
Walter turns back to The Dude: Fuckin' Woo, he's just may be one of the best league bowlers I ever seen, but he's dumb as a bag of hair. And he's the smarter of the two!
Ever watch Blondie tie his shoes?
The Dude: Aah Walter, leave them alone. They're really nice guys. Who would have thunk it!? But they did come over and apologize and they bought that new rug and my new bowling ball. I mean, that was really nice of them.
Walter, looking at The Dude with a puzzled look: And you never questioned that? Never wondered why...who was behind it and all?
The Dude looking at Walter with a puzzled look: What ya mean? Who... behind what? Why?
Walter: Ah... never mind...nothing Dude. Just forget it.. Just thinking out loud is all. Probably nothing at all. Yeah, nothing at all.....
The Dude: Ok Walter, what's going on? I know you're pissed at Geoff for messing with your computers and all, but why the big fuckin' brouhaha? Fuck Walter she's only 14. What kind of damage could she do? She's just a kid!
She said she didn't do any harm and just left a hello or something. Now you call in the fuckin' feds?!
What kind of shit are you up to over there?
You got to call off your fuckin' goons man. This just aint right going after a 16 year old kid for playing around. That's what kids do...remember? We did some shit in our day didn't we...hehe?
Walter: Yeah Dude we did some shit alright, but it's not like it was back then. Things got really serious since those towel headed camel fuckers started fuckin' everything up. It's gotten Real Serious. And it's not me Dude...it's Big Dick. I could have smooth thinks over if.... well she just went too far is all, and now Big Dick is real pissed and it's out of my hands.
Fuck Dude, you know I love the little monster as if she was my own. She's smart and sassy, and a real pain in the ass, but...well...it's out of my hands is all.
We gotta find out what she saw. I mean there are lives at stake here. People could get hurt, real hurt. Face down in the fuckin' muck type hurt.
Tell her to come in Dude so we can talk to her and find out what she knows.
Nobody's going to harm her Dude...just talk.
The Dude: Ok Walter, I'll try and talk to her, but she's real scared and that hair brain stunt you just tried to pull didn't help any. You scared the fuckin' piss out or her. Did you see her run?! Damn, I didn't know a kid could run that fast! She sure was movin'!
But I swear Walter if any harm comes to her....I'll....Well you know.... Don't fuckin' harm a hair on her spoiled ass head. She's the only kid I got...
Walter: Don't worry Dude, I wont let any harm come to her.
Walter flops a big arm around The Dude and pulls him tight: Ya know I love you Dude, and would never do anything to hurt you...we got to go talk to Maude.
Scene 6:
The Dude and Walter finally decide to leave the bowling alley, the Dude pulls out a fat joint and begins smoking it in the car as they drive off to grab a bite to eat.
Walter: Dude, you really want to light up something that big? This isn't the 70's anymore Dude, you heard about what happened to Tommy Chong.
The Dude: Walter, this is California, I got a medical card now for fuck sake! Plus I heard they are planning to legalize it anyway.
Walter: Legalize it huh?
The Dude: Yeah, turns out there are apparently more stoners in the state than we thought.
Walter: That's a startling statistic Dude, speaking of such, I'm getting contact munchies, let's grab a bite to eat.
The Dude: Where do you want to go.
Walter: In and Out Burger, I'm feeling like reminiscing about our little buddy, may he rest in peace.
The Dude: That's a good idea.
The Dude turns a corner and they head into In and Out Burger. It's about midnight, we move up through the bushes moving toward the window to the Dude and Walter sitting face to face at a small table. The Dude has a burger, fries and a drink, and Walter the very same.
Walter: Okay Dude, now that you are in this, what mode of action do you want to take?
The Dude: Why don't you please explain it to me and then I can decide.
Walter: Fine, The Big Dick is s working with the US government, that's all I can tell you. All I have to do is just play my part and report back to him periodically, I've come a long way from Nam dude.
Walter takes a big slurp of his soda and lays back.
The Dude motioning for Walter to continue with a hand gesture.
Walter: I can't tell you anymore Dude, if I did I would have to kill you.
The Dude shakes his head and squints his eyes at Walter for a minute before dipping his fry in the dome of ketchup he made on a napkin.
The Dude: Let's talk about something else for a while.
Walter: Oh yes, Our good old friend Donny, how I do miss him.
The Dude: Yeah.... He sure loved In and Out Burger, you know even though Blondie and Woo are great bowlers, I'd still take Donny any day.
Walter: Me too Dude... Me too...
The Dude: Well what can we do to honor him tight?
Walter: We can go to where we dumped his ashes.
The Dude: You know let's do that.
Walter: Really?
The Dude: Yeah, I think it's time that we pay our respects again.
Walter leans over and pats the Dude on the back.
Walter: Let's go Dude.
Walter and The Dude grab their trays and dump their trash into the bin labeled "Thank You", they leave their trays on the rack above it and leave the place.
The scene ends.
Scene 7:
All we see is a swirling light gray fog lit by headlights as we enter the scene.
Creedence - Bad Moon Rising playing in the background.
The fog begins to part and thin. A half moon is shining over the ocean and moonbeams light up the pinnacle of rock where Walter and The Dude distributed Donny's ashes.
They are headed up the path now but stop after a few steps to pass the joint.
Bad Moon ends. After a short pause Dale Hawkins - Susie Q starts playing from the car's CD player. The music begins to fade as they continue up the path.
Walter takes a big hit and passes the joint back to The Dude. Holding his breath Walter tries to talk as they continue the climb to the pinnacle.
Walter: Man I can't believe it's been almost 17 years already. Just doesn't seem right he's gone.
The Dude taking another toke: Fuckin-egg right it's not right.
The Dude passes the roach over to Walter but Walter waves him off.
Walter: No...no thanks Dude...I'm good. Just want to stand here and think awhile...remember and all. A moment of silence and all. You know..for Donny.
The Dude (lost in a little bit of a haze both physically and mentally): Fuckin'-egg yeah...for Donny.
They both stand stoned in the moonlight staring off into space with glazed eyes.
A voice speaks softly from behind them: So what's your point Walter?
The Dude and Walter just stand there not moving as if they had not heard the once familiar voice.
The voice speaks a little louder this time: So what's your point Walter?
Walter still in a mental haze replies automatically without turning: Shut the fuck up Donny.
It takes a few seconds to register through the grass induced haze but Walter and The Dude both pop their eyes open wide at the same time. Walter turns his head slowly and looks at the Dude. The Dude turns slowly and looks at Walter.
Both mumble "Donny?" at the same time as they turn around to see the apparition of Donny still in his bowling shirt standing just a few feet behind them.
The apparition of Donny with his wide smile speaks again as he half waves: Hi guys.
Walter: Donny? You know you're dead don't you? What the fuck Donny? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in Bowling Heaven or something?
The Dude waving his hand in front of him at the apparition: Fuck!
Walter: What the fuck was in that joint Dude? We're hallucinating here! There any psychedelics in there? You know I can't do fuckin' psychedelics man. They make me all nuts and all.
The Dude: It's not a fuckin' hallucination Walter. I'm seein' Donny too. We both can't be hallucinating the same fuckin' thing...can we??
Walter repeats: Is that you Donny? You know you're dead don't you?
The apparition of Donny replies: Yeah Walter, I know I'm dead. And thanks for spreading my ashes here...one of my favorite places. Sure is pretty here in the moonlight and all. But I came to warn you. You're in trouble Walter and you don't know it... Geoff is in trouble too. There are things going on behind you back that you better look into fast. Geoff knows. Listen to Geoff Walter then you get her out of town...fast.
Walter: Fuck Donny, if you came back to say so...say, I'm not going to get a visit by three ghosts or anything am I? I mean this is too way out enough. Don't think I could take three more ghosts.
The apparition of Donny replies: No Walter it doesn't work that way...well at least I don't think it does?
But anyway's find Geoff and get her out of town. Ok guys...I gotta go...
And with that Donny turns into a puff of smoke and drifts between Walter and The Dude and over the edge of the Cliff.
The Dude and Walter still glued to the spot they are standing follow with their eyes. As they watch the puff of smoke that was the apparition of Donny drift away, it turns into Donny on his surfboard riding the waves just before he vanishes into the moonlight on the Pacific.
The Dude: Fuck!
Walter: Fuck!
The Dude: Fuck!
Walter: Fuck Dude that was some shit we smoked! Let's get the fuck out of here and find Geoff.
Fuck man...shit!! Dude?! Come on Dude...I'll drive.
The Dude: Fuck!
Walter and The Dude stumble back down the path to the car. The fog is beginning to settle back in as we fade out. Creedence Clearwater Revival's- Long As I Can See The Light is playing softly on the car stereo.
Fade out.
Scene 8:
They begin driving back to town.
Walter: Sigh, Dude, I don't think I can handle this kind of stress anymore.
The Dude: Yeah... man.. well where are we going to find Geoff?
Walter: A better question would be, where are we going to find Maude. She hasn't been seen for a week and that worries me.
The Dude: Where could she be?
Walter: I don't know Dude, but I still have a feeling that Geoff is up to something.
Suddenly Donny's reflection appears in front of Walter on the wind shield and Walter slams on the breaks. The Hummer spins around and is knocks into a couple of garbage cans, the Camera pans out from behind the Garbage cans as Walter and The Dude step out.
They are in front of a house in the middle of nowhere near the beach, and you see someone peering through the blinds.
The Dude: Sigh.
Walter gets out of the Hummer and walks up to The Dude. They are in front of a Bungalow near the beach, and you see someone peering through the blinds.
Walter: Dude, I'm serious, what did you put in that joint, don't be fucking around with me while I'm driving.
The Dude: I didn't put anything in there besides a bit of green, nothing else!! You said you liked Sativa man!
Suddenly the door opens, and there stands Neune signaling Walter and The Dude to come in. The Dude and Walter look at each other and start walking towards the door.
Neune: Come in, Schnell!!
Both of them walk in the door, and there sits Geoff on a rocking chair next to an open fire, There is Marilyn Manson playing "This is the new shit" in the background from a CD Boombox on the left.
Geoff: I think it's time I explain things a little better, but first how did you two find me?
The Dude: You wouldn't believe us if we told you.
Walter sits down and massages his forehead, looking very stressed out.
Neune: Vie are here to tell you zat zere ist a misundahstanding, vie are not your enemies!
The Dude: Okay, that's a good explanation, tell us more.... And can we maybe change the song? It's kind of freaking me out.
Geoff: It helps me to relax, Maralyn Manson is such a visionary for the music industry.
The Dude: But he burns bibles regularly at his concerts doesn't he?
Geoff: That's him expressing his hatred for organized religion, you don't have to agree with his politics to enjoy his music. I like him a lot.
The Dude: Yeah bu-
Neune: Silence!! Vee vill now explain ourselves!
Walter: I'm all ears.
Walter looks at Neune from head to toe and notices the missing pinky. Neune see's this and hides her toeless foot behind the other.
Walter: Wait a minute, I know who you are!
Neune: No you Don't!
Walter: Yes I do, it's your guys who caused our buddy to have a heart attack, fucking nihilists!
Geoff: No Walter wait!!
The Dude: Let them explain themselves!
Geoff: Just relax, there is no need to cause a scene here
Knox Harrington comes out from in the shadows like a ninja and the light goes out.
The scene ends, when the light comes back on The Dude and Walter are tied to a couple of chairs with their mouths gagged so they can't say anything.
Scene 9:
It's 2 AM and when the light comes back on. Not only are The Dude and Walter tied to chairs and gagged, but they are in a different room...in fact, they are no longer even in the house!
After tying and gagging them, Neune and Knox, with some difficulty and a refrigerator dolly, drag The Dude and Walter out the back door and across a dune into what looks like a garden shed that is all but invisible from the bungalow.
The furnishings in the new shed are very sparse, consisting of little more than a table, chair and a notebook computer next to a small latticed window.
The light was on for but a second when Neune urgently whispers to Geoff.
Neune: Nein! Nein! No Lights!!
Geoff quickly flips the light switch off again.
As their eyes become accustomed to the dim lighting The Dude and Walter could see a set of black Hummers pull quickly up to the bungalow they were just removed from. About a half dozen uniformed men storm through the front and back door of the bungalow. As the light in the bungalow across the way comes on Walter recognizes the men are wearing his Sobchak Security uniforms.
Walter: MPHFF HMPH!
Neune: Shhh! Vatch!
As they watched the leader of the Sobchak Security raiders speaks into a cell phone as he inspects another cell phone he just picked up off the floor.
Walter recognizes the retrieved phone as his 'Red' phone and direct link to The Big Dick.
Walter: Mph mhp phmm!
Neune with a threatening tone: Shhh! Dat's your phone Valter. It is bugged. Big Dick has a GPS and a microphone in your phone that never shuts off. He always knows where you are and what you are saying...always!
The Dude is his usual calm self and just sits there watching, but wishing he had a beverage. He is coming down from his high and now being gagged is making him thirsty. He tries looking around to see if there's a bar or liquor cabinet in the room, but it's too dark to make out any details more than a few feet into the room. The Dude's attention comes back into focus when Geoff moves to his side and touches his hand.
As they watch, more of the security agents come into the room shaking their heads no. The lead agent speaks into his cell again nods to his men and they exit the bungalow, get back into their Hummers and drive off.
They wait in the dark for a few minutes as Neune and Knox watch to make sure Big Dick's goon squad has left the area. Walter and The Dude are still tied and gagged as the door to the shed opens very slowly just enough for Knox to slither through. Neune quietly closes the door behind Knox and he vanishes into the darkness outside.
Neune once again warns: Shhh!
They wait. It seems like an hour before Knox returns and slithers back in the door.
Knox in a hushed voice. The bungalow is bugged. It's not safe here anymore. We need to move to Santa Monica again. At least until we can find another secure location here.
Did we get the tap?
Neune walks over to the table with the notebook computer:
Neune: I vas just going to jeck.
Knox and Neune each share an ear bud from a headset as Neune works a few key on the computer. Geoff watches the notebook between them. Know and Neune look at each other with a puzzled look.
Geoff looks at the notebook again and speaks: Volume??
Neune makes and adjustment: Da sure!
Knox and Neune listen for a little nod at each other remove their ear buds and take the notebook over to where Walter and the Dude sit still bound and gagged.
Neune: You listen, than ve untie you...ya?
Walter, nodding in the affirmative; mphmp!
The Dude, also nodding in the affirmative: mphmp!
Neune digs into a pocket in her faded Cargo pants. She pulls out a flash drive and holding it up so Walter and The Dude can see says:
Neune: Because of the files Geoff copied on here we were able to tap into the same code Big Dick uses to tap your cell phone. So we can hear everything he hears and see where your phone is at all times. Because of this we know you are not a criminal Walter, just another moron being used by Big Dick.
We left your phone for them to find. Here is what they said. Listen!
Neune hits a few keys and turns up the volume on the notebook's tiny speakers.
The sound is tinny but clear.
At first all we can hear is Maralyn Manson singing Sweet Dreams in the distance coming from the notebook.
After a few seconds we hear the goons rush into the door and the sounds of a half dozen pair of boots entering the bungalows doors. A few seconds later we can hear a rustling sound and the unmistakable sound of a cell phone flipping open and closed.
We then hear a husky male voice speak: "Yeah" Then a another male voice that sound small and very far away like it's coming from a cell phone: Well?
The Husky voice: Walter's Hummer is still outside, but no one's here. The place is empty. But we found Walter's red phone on the floor. I think the moron may be on to us. It looks like they had help. We better start cleaning out.
The small voice on the cell phone: Ok, you know what to do. Keep your ears open and get back here.
The husky voice: Lets move!
We hear the sound of half a dozen boots across a wooden floor followed by the closing of a door. Then we hear the sound of air rushing past a micro phone then the sound of car doors slamming shut.
The husky voice: Fuckin' Shit head Walter fucks up everything. Couldn't do one simple job and hold onto a fuckin' child for 20 minutes! That fuckin' nosy brat just fucked up the whole operation.
Fuckin' Walter! Told the boss he was a liability. Should have fried his fuckin' ass a month ago...shit brains!
Another male voice breaks in: Shhh! I think I just heard something from the bug we left!
There is only the sound of road noise from the Hummers tires on the road for a about 30 seconds
The other voice speaks again. Nah, I guess it's nothing...maybe the wind or a cat or something? They're gone.
After that we hear the husky voice curse mildly: Shit!
The husky voiced goon realizes he still has Walter's bugged phone and the Big Dick can hear everything he is saying. The phone goes dead.
Knox speaks as he and Neune untie Walter and The Dude:
Knox: Now 'We' follow the GPS in your phone and maybe we find where the Big Dick is hiding! But first we need your cooperation Walter. We need you to give us access to your computer system so we can copy Big Dick's hidden files. These are the files of all his illegal activities we will use to arrest him and extradite him to the International Court of Justice in the Hague to stand trial for his crimes.
Geoff has given us the codes to get past the firewall but Big Dick has blocked access from outside. We need to get into the network from the inside, we need access to your company computer Walter.
Will you take us there?
Scene 10:
Walter: Uhhh Fuck me... alright dude, what do you think?
The Dude: They hold a pretty decent argument man, I mean we heard it with our own ears.
Walter: Alright, we'll do it.
Neune: Gut!
The four of them slink around the bungalow, we watch from above like 3rd person video game. They get to the Hummer but the tires have been slashed.
Walter: Now what do we do?
Knox: That is no problem, look!
There is another car near the alleyway with a tarp over it. They remove the tarp revealing that it's a dark green Dodge Viper with a large metal plate shield covering the grill and bumper.
The Dudes eyes become wide and he puts his hands on his head. Walter snorts a little, grabs the keys from Knox and gets in without another thought. The Dude still dazed by the brilliant piece of machinery finally snaps out of it and gets into the passengers side. The rest of them get into the back, there is plenty of room, and a mini bar built in to the back of the chair The Dude's sitting in.
Knox: What'll you have Dude?
The Dude turns around and his eyes get even wider.
The Dude: White Russian please.
Knox pours the drink, hands it to The Dude, and Walter drives off rather quickly. The sudden jolt of the car going backward caused the Russian to spill a little on the dudes shirt.
The Dude: Hey man, there's a beverage here! This isn't a Hummer Walter this is a classy car, treat it with some respect!
Walter: You're right dude I'm sorry, I didn't take into account the speed difference.
Walter drives out of the rest of the alley and starts speeding up.
It's about 3:43 in the morning, and the group makes it to the mall.
The Dude: Geoff you stay here, there's no telling what will happen in there.
Geoff: Aww Please? I can run faster than all of you!
Walter: You're not going to get us into any more trouble brat, you got that?
Geoff moves over between Walter and the dude and playfully punches Walter in the gut, hard enough to make Walter fume a bit.
Walter: Okay that's it you little turd!
Walter moves between the two front chairs and lungs toward Geoff, who moves to the back of her middle seat, and kicks Walter square in the face.
The Dude grabs Walter and attempts to hold him back. Walter adjusts a little more and accidentally presses his foot on the car horn. It was a quick Honk but it was enough to make everyone in the car freeze at the same time. Walter pulls back and gets out of the car.
Walter: Come on Dude, it's just you and me, we're going.
Knox: But you may need back up!
Walter: Backup Schmack up, I went up against 10 men in Vietnam and I held my own.
The Dude: Walter maybe this isn't such a good idea? I mean Nam was a long time ago, and well, look at us?
Walter: Don't fucking start this with me dude, it's you and me going in! Got that Creampuff?
Walter shoots Geoff an angry glare.
Neune: You go! Vie Stay! Take this!
Neune hands walter a flash drive.
Neune: Zis vill automatically pull in the data vie need! Just insert it!
Geoff: That's what she said.
Walter shoots Geoff another fast glare.
Walter: This is no laughing matter!
Geoff sticks her tongue out at Walter.
Walters face turns bright red, the Dude notices this and walks over to Walter.
The Dude: It's not worth it man, calm down, we have a mission dude.
Walter nods and begins walking to the door, The Dude throws up his hands in defeat, shakes his head, and sighs a semi loud uhghh.
Walter pulls out a wad of keys, and after a few minutes finds the door key and opens it up.
It's pitch black inside the mall, Walter grabs The Dudes hand.
Walter: I'm not coming onto you dude, we have to stick together.
The Dude is still holding his White Russian in his hand and sips it as they slowly creep up to the security office, they pass by many stores.
The Dude: *whispering* feels kind of creepy at night man.
Walter: *Wispering* With the weirdo's that come in here on a daily basis, It's slightly less creepy Dude, have you ever heard of the term "Mall Goths?"
The Dude: *Whispering* No, what's that?
Walter: They're usually teenager who dress in dark clothing and makeup and just come in to sit around, they rarely buy anything!
The Dude: huh...
Suddenly we hear footsteps, the light turns on, and the group is surrounded by Sobchak Security.
Walter: Oh hey guys, what's up?
Security guard: You have become a liability to the Big Dick, Walter. I'm afraid we can't let you into the computer system.
The lights turn out again, the scene ends.
The next scene, the lights turn back on, both of them are tied up and gagged, a Sobchak security guard walks near them.
Security Guard: You had to go around and pry, you couldn't have just kept your nose out of it. Well it's too late now, I believe it's time that you are erased.
The Dude mumbles something, the security guard pulls out the gag.
The Dude: We're going to get erased? What is this, Tron?
The light begins to flicker it goes out, turns on and flickers again. We hear a screeching sound in the distance, an engine coming closer... The security guards begin to look around, closer... and still closer.... An somewhat empty wall begins to vibrate BAM The Dodge Viper rams through the wall.
Knox is Driving, Geoff jumps out of the side of the car with a tazer and quickly zaps the already slightly stunned security guards, Neune jumps out and unties Walter and The Dude and un-gags them.
The Dude: Twice in one night, what the fuck!
Walter: I don't know dude, but we gotta get out of here!
Geoff runs to Walter sticks her hand down his pocket and takes the flash drive to the computer and sticks it in.
Neune pulls on the arms of Walter and The Dude.
Out of the corner of his eye The Dude sees the White Russian on the table and reaches out his arm.
Everything goes slow motion, The Dude barely misses grabbing the glass, "NoooOOoo!!"
Geoff: Got it!
Knox signals with his hand from the drivers seat waving back, and Geoff jumps into the passengers seat of the car with Neune, Walter, and The Dude in the back seat.
A bunch of Hummers are seen driving up to the mall as the group speeds off onto the freeway.
Scene 11:
Walter: Gee guys I didn't know about all the illegal activity. The Big Dick was setting me up to take the fall if anything went wrong. All I knew about was the transport of potential black-ops agents to Big Dick's private army. I though Big Dick was with the US government! I mean he has some very deep connection and owns more than a few politicians. I didn't know about all the rest. Honest guys...I didn’t.
Geoff: Well I did! I just didn't know till now that you are not actually a bad guy Walter, just a moron who the Big Dick is using.
Walter: All I was worried about was that you may have gone past the Mall Security computer file with all the identities of his Sobchak Security Mall cops and hacked into the files containing all the identities of his black-ops agents. The black-ops agents are mostly operating overseas and if their identities are leaked they could be in a world or hurt; face down in the muck kind of hurt. That's all I was worried about. You have to believe me, I didn’t know Big Dick had other super-secret files on our computer.
We see The Dude, Walter, and Geoff and company racing at high speed down the Freeway. They are being cased by half a dozen of Big Dick's black Hummers with dark windows so we cannot see who is driving them.
The Dude is on a cell phone calling 911.
The dispatcher answers and asks "What is your emergency?".
The Dude in a very excited voice replies. Help! We are being cashed by Big Dick's goons and they are trying to kill us man!
Walter and Geoff both shout at the same time: "Tell them where we are! Tell them where we are!"
The Dude: We are on the Santa Monica Freeway heading West to Santa Monica! We just passed the San Diego exit! Send a Swat Team...fuck, send everyone you got! The Big Dick is trying to fuckin' kill us man!!
The dispatcher replies chuckling: You say a big dick is chasing you down the Santa Monica freeway sir? Does the dick have balls sir?
The Dude: What the fuck ya mean does he have balls? It's not A big dick, it's The Big Dick!! I'm not kidding man, he's pissed off and is trying to kills us man. Send fuckin' help man!
The dispatcher: Aah, you say the big dick is pissing now? Have you had anything to drink sir, are you on drugs sir?
The Dude: Well yeah,...a white Russian and a little weed, but what the fuck does that have to do with anything?! Just send the militia man and FAST!!
The dispatcher: Sir you are having a bad trip and you are hallucinating sir. There is no big dick chasing you and if anyone is pissing on you it is probably yourself. Please calm down and seek immediate medical attention. You have overdosed. Should I call an ambulance for you sir? What is your location sir?
The Dude: I just told ya I'm on the fuckin' Santa... Oh Fuck it! You're fuckin' useless!!
The Dude closes his cell phone.
Geoff reaching out for the cell phone: Fuckin-egg pops, let me try!
Walter: Yeah Dude let Geoff try!
But just then the phone rings as a big white stretch limo pulls up along side and the driver's side window opens to show Woo driving. Walter is the first to see Woo.
Walter: Hey Dude! It's Woo! What the fuck it's Woo!!
The Dude answers the phone: The Dude here.
While The Dude is answering the phone one of the back passenger side windows on the white limo slowly lowers to reveal Jackie Treehorn sitting calmly in the back seat. Jackie looks out the window at The Dude as he talks into his cell phone:
Jackie: Greetings Dude we meet again. I'm here to help, just follow us to my compound. You and Geoff will be safe there. Trust me Dude, I am only trying to help.
The Dude: Well Jackie fancy meeting you here. Nice of you to try and help, but why should we trust you Jackie? I'm mean after... well you know?
Jackie Treehorn: Yes Dude I quite understand, you may be a little confused right now. You want it to be one way, but it's not, it's the other way.
The Dude: Yeah, Jackie, there's been a lot of that "other way" going around lately. So what's in it for you Jackie?
Jackie Treehorn: Well Dude lets just say a few of my business interest and your Mr. Dick's business interest have clashed recently. We are rivals in several areas that are important to my business. If I help you to take Mr. Dick down I stand to gain handsomely from his absence. No offence Dude, and I do like you Dude, but I assure you my motives are purely of self interest.
The Dude: No offence taken Jackie. Lead the way. Knox, follow that limo!
With the smell of jet fuel in the air and tires screeching the limo cuts off a side exit and makes a screeching sharp right with the hopped up Dodge Viper close behind! Within seconds Big Dick's Hummers follow!
There's a high speed chase down side streets then more country type roads and finally a long tree line driveway that empties into Jackie Treehorn's gated compound hidden somewhere in the Tuna Canyon Park. The gates are open but begin to close as Jackie's limo and the Dodge Viper pass through. But they do not completely close when the first of Big Dick's Hummers comes crashing through with four more close behind.
Jackie's limo makes a sharp left and heads for Jackie's fortified lodgings with the Dodge Viper close behind, but Big Dick's goons open fire with automatics hitting the Viper and taking out the right front tire. Knox does a great job of keeping the Viper under control but another round of fire takes out both rear tires and the Viper slowly flips over on its side.
While all this is happening four black military helicopters gun ships come zipping in from the other direction over the compound. Walter and crew are too busy to see them at first, but as The Dude and Geoff then Walter clime out the rear of the Viper they look up to see the helicopters just open fire.
Walter: Fuck Dude we're dead. Sorry Dude, Geoff; sorry I got you into this mess. Fuckin' helicopters man. Didn't even know we had fuckin' helicopters!
Just as Walter is saying this a hail of bullets is pouring from all four helicopter gun ships but not at The Dude, Geoff and Walter. The guns are shooting at Big Dick's Hummers! A small missile is fired and explodes in front of the lead Hummer which turns sharply and comes to a full stop.
Everything stops! Then in slow motion...through the whiffs of smoke from the exploded missel drifting away, off in the distance and coming up the tree lined driveway we hear and see sirens and a dozen red white and blue flashing lights. The goons in the Hummers attempt flee into the woods, but are quickly caught...the Big Dick is not among them.
One of the helicopter gun ships lands just a short distance from the tipped over Viper. On the side of the helicopter is a triangle with the all seeing eye inside.
A lone figure dressed in military garb steps out and walks over to The Dude and Geoff.
It's a woman, she lifts her visor and removes her helmet tossing it to the ground. It's Maude!!
She steps over to Geoff and picks her up and holds her tightly in her arms and speaks to The Dude and Walter.
Maude: Nobody Fucks with My Daughter!
Fade out.
Scene 12:
We fade in to see The Dude in a bath tub, bubbles are everywhere, the bathtub is an expensive design that is long enough to stretch out his legs. The Dude takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, he eases into the water with a big grin on his face.
We shift to the left through the door to see Maude and Knox sitting next to each other with Geoff sitting on Maude's lap, holding her close with her arms clasped gently around her torso.
Maude: I'm glad you were able to keep my daughter safe in my absence, I would never have guessed that you of all people would be rescuing my daughter.
We turn around to see Walter sitting on the sofa across from them.
Walter: Ahem, no thanks needed mam, just serving my country.
Knox: *Giggles* we had such a fun adventure Maudey!
Maude: Good, I look forward to hearing about what happened.
Jackie Treehorn comes walking in and sits on a tan colored chair to the right between Maude and Walter. Jackie has a Glass with some sort of beverage in his hand, with 4 ice cubes in it and a little red straw.
Jackie: I have my agents surrounding the area, we are totally safe.
Everyone takes a big sigh of relief.
Walter: so has anyone seen the dude?
Maude: Mr. Lebowski is in the bathtub, he requested some relaxation after your run in with the Big Dicks men.
Walter: That's my dude, he's been through a lot.
Geoff: Well I believe its time for us to start the next phase of our plan.
Jackie: We leave all of our resources up to you.
Geoff slides out of Maude's grip and runs to the other room, she comes back with a black laptop, she sets it on the table and begins typing.
Geoff: From the data we uncovered in the security room computer we found out where the Big Dicks main center of operations are. They aren't in the US that's for sure........ *typing*..... It's going to take me some time to decode the location, unfortunately when we downloaded the information we also got a few of the fire walls too, so I'm going to have to get past those before we can get any more of the information.
Maude: Don't over work yourself dear.
Geoff gives Maude an "I know what I'm doing" sort of look.
Maude: Alright dear, you know what is best, I taught you well.
The Dude comes out of the bathroom with an expensive looking robe on.
Dude: "Hey Jackie, what kind of material is this?
The Dude tugs a bit on the robe.
Jackie: Egyptian Cotton.
Dude: Huh....?
He nods and sits down next to Walter, on the table between Maude and Walter there is a White Russian. The Dudes eyes light up as he takes the glass and sips it. He crosses his legs and leans back.
Walter: Hey Dude, feelin' better?
The Dude: Yeah, man, I'm feelin satisfied. Hey Maude.
Maude: Hello "Dude", it is nice to see you again.
The Dude: Nice to see you too. *Smiles*
Jackie: I have prepared something nice for you two, for your efforts.
Neune comes out from the back of the room with a silver platter in her hand, a rather large long one.
Walter: Oh man this is gonna be good! What is it? Duck? Turkey?
Neune lifts off the lid to reveal two gigantic Cheech and Chong sized joints, both of them least a foot long and two inches wide.
The Dudes eyes grow huge with excitement, his jaw drops, and he takes one of the Godzilla joints. He slowly moves it across his nose, savoring every scent that flows through his nostrils.
The Dude looks up at Neune with a big smile.
The Dude: You got a light man?
Jackie searches through his pockets and eventually fishes out an expensive looking lighter, it's maroon with a picture of a naked woman on it, it's about six inches long. He tosses it over to the Dude.
Walter takes the other joint and sniffs the end.
Walter: This is some high grade stuff Jackie, where's it from?
Jackie: It's Maui Wowie, privately flown in.
Walter: hohoho I've been a good boy this year.
Upon hearing this new information The Dude lights up one side and and begins puffing away, he coughs a bit and his eyes turn red almost instantly. He hands the lighter to Walter who proceeds to to ease into the same state.
Knox: *in a goofy voice* I don't know how you can smoke that, ughhh drugs are SO bad for you!
Geoff: Actually it's quite the contrary *still staring at the screen* From my research it seems that the THC causes the body to produce more T cells which boost the bodies immunity,
Maude looks at her and sighs.
Maude: My daughter, always the little book worm, researching everything. Even in things that she shouldn't know.
Geoff: Well how could I not look into it after I find out that my father is a flashback to the 1960's counter-culture.
We shift around to The Dude is passed out on the chair with the joint still lit in his hand, a small bit of it came off on the couch and began to catch fire.
Walter: *pushing the dude to wake up* Dude!! Your on fire Dude, wake up!
The Dude wakes up to find that the left side of the couch has a mini bon fire. The Dude starts screaming and picks up a sofa cushion and begins pounding the fire, the fire spreads to the sofa cushion, the dude begins screaming like a little girl not knowing what to do, he drops the sofa cushion on the ever growing flame In panic of setting his hands on fire.
Jackie appears by the flame and pours his drink all over it, putting the fire out. He looks at the Dude for a few seconds with a calm almost creepy calm face without saying a word, and then shifts his attention to Walter for a few seconds before proceeding to leave the room.
Walter: Uh-Oh dude, you've done it now.
The Dude puts his hands on his forhead and massages his brows. "Man it's been a hell of a day. I'm getting too old for this Walter.
Maude: We should all get some sleep now, we have an important day tomorrow.
Geoff: It's going to take all night to decode the firewalls on the drive anyway, I'll have the directions for the destination in the morning.
Everyone leaves the and we cut to Woo showing The Dude where he will be sleeping. The Dude still with the Godzilla blunt in his had continued to puff away.
The Dude: *exhaling smoke* Are you keeping up on your practice man? We have that big tournament coming up soon.
Woo shrugs and leaves the room. The Dude shakes his head, takes another puff before putting it out in an ashtray on the bedside dresser and crawls in bed, the screen fades black.
He's in a foreign country, the time period looks to be around 1100AD, he's sitting in a dark room with another man.
1st man: I can't believe what you are telling me! You quitting the family business, this is outrageous! I can't let you stay here any longer, you must either leave the country or die!
The Dude: I don't know what you're talking about man.
1st man: You know exactly what I mean, ever since you went "There" it's like you've become an entirely different person!
Suddenly Donny appears next to the Dude.
Donny: Dude you need to wake up, shit is going down Dude, In and Out Burger... Walrus... Pedarass dude... FIND OLIVER!
Suddenly a bottle comes flying out from the dark into the dudes face.
We hear an alarm as the scene fades out.
Scene 13:
(Great Uncle Leo)
The Dude wakes to find Walter standing over him and shaking his shoulder trying to wake him.
Walter: Wake up Dude. We have company. Come on Dude...wake up!
The Dude: Hey Walter? What time is it? What's that noise?
Walter: It's almost 9 Dude. That's another helicopter Dude, a big one. Looks like someone important is paying a visit. Everyone is in the kitchen having breakfast. Better get over there Dude. New shit has come to light.
The Dude: Ok Walter, I'll be there in a few minutes. Hey Walter, I just had this dream that Donny was shouting all kinds of weird shit at me to wake up, then he threw a bottle of Kahlua at me and hit me right in the face! What the fuck do you think that was all about?
Walter: Fuck Dude, I don't know, but it doesn't sound like our Donny. While he was not exactly a pacifist, Donny was definitely non aggressive. Donny would never throw a bottle at you Dude. Not unless it was something important like maybe to save you from something really hostile to your well being. Sounds like another warning from Donny. Maybe it has something to do with the visitor and the new shit that has come to light since last night?
The Dude: What new shit? Did we find the Big Dick?
Walter: Not yet Dude, but we are getting close. Da Fino came early this morning. The Big Dick cleaned me out Dude...took everything. All that's left are a few funds under the Mall security operations and a few of the Hummers. He cleaned out all the corporate accounts. Bunny is gone too. Looks like she left with the Big Dick. Why do I keep losing my wives Dude? Why do they keep leaving?
The Dude is peaking out the window at the helicopter that just landed as he replies to Walter.
The Dude: Fuck Walter! That's some bad news, but at least you're not the one going to jail. Your name is in the clear and you still have the Mall Security company. As for why your wives keep leaving you, that's simple Walter; you keep marrying them.
Ok, man I gotta use the bathroom and wash up. I'll be over in a few minutes.
The Dude enters the private bathroom that is connected to his bedroom suite and closes the door. Walter exits the Dudes suite and heads back to the kitchen.
As Walter is walking through the hallway back to the kitchen he looks out a window and sees Jackie Treehorn walk out to meet a distinguished looking elderly man as he steps out of the helicopter. They shake hands in a formal business like fashion and Jackie extends a hand and invites the well dress gentleman back to the house.
The Dude just enters the kitchen where Maude, Walter, Da Fino and Geoff are seated around a table with fruits and breakfast cakes piled in the center. There's a large coffee pot on a counter next to the table. We do not see Knox or Neune.
As the Dude nods and greets everyone as he pours a cup of coffee. He spies Jackie and the new arrival entering a foyeur just off the kitchen. The turn and head down the short hallway that leads to a formal dining area that is between the foyeur and the kitchen.
Geoff also sees them and perks with recognition.
Geoff shouts: "Uncle Leo!" and runs excitedly to greet him.
Great Uncle Leo bends to meet Geoff and swops her up in his arms with a jolly "Hello Princess!" as he hugs her tightly.
Great Uncle Leo: Well Princess, you had us all worried. I am delighted to see you are alright and in good hands. Mr Treehorn treating you well?
Geoff: He sure is unck, but I want to go home now. Is it ok if we go home now?
Jackie, Leo and Geoff enter the kitchen. Jackie turns to Leo and give a slight bow of his head and says "I'll leave you now. Call if you need anything".
Leo also nods slightly and says: "Thanks you for you kindness Jackie. It will not be forgotten."
At which Jackie just nods and turns to exit back the way he came. Da Fino giving a nod to Walter and then to Leo catches up to Jackie and exits with him.
The first thing Walter notices is that Leo looks an awful lot like The Dude. So much so he could be The Dude's more distinguished older brother!
The Dude does not see the resemblance, but considers Leo a hansom man.
Leo sets Geoff down and greets Maude.
Leo: Well Maude I see all is well at last. I take it this is "The Dude" and his friend Walter Sobchak we have been hearing so much about lately.
Maude: Yes Leo, this is "The Dude"...the other Jeffery Lebowski of course. Jeffery, I would like you to meet Leopold Lebowski; my fathers brother. He runs own family business Jeffery. Those were his helicopters you saw yesterday. It was Leo who was able to track you by your cell phone and it was Leo who called in a debt and sent Jackie to your rescue till we were able to get our helicopter here from our headquarters.
Leo with a nod and an offered hand: Jeffery.
The Dude: Call me Dude. Nice to finally meet you Leo. Geoff has nothing but high praise for her uncle Leo.
Leo, as he musses up Geoff's hair: Well Dude she is our little Princess. Nothing is too good for our little Princess...we spoil her rotten. I’m Geoff’s great uncle really. I am Maude’s uncle on her mother’s side...my sister...
Maude: Walter...uncle Leo Lebowski. Leo...Walter.
Walter nods and extends a hand with a sheepish look on his face.
Walter: Mr Lebowski. A Pleasure sir, a real pleasure. And I am so so sorry for all this mess. But if it were not for Geoff here and here friends,...well...she saved my ass for certain sir. Yes she did. If there is anything I can do to make it up to you all...well...just ask. I am in your debt...I'm in all your debt.
Leo: Yes Walter, I am well aware of your situation. We will talk later. But now I must talk to Maude and take my family home.
There will be plenty of time for negotiations after I see to it that my family is safely back home.
Leo turns and addresses Maude: Maude, I made arrangements to have your Limo take you back home. I have made the arrangements to take Geoff to see Oliver. It's time to take her to our ancestral home and introduce her to our family history. She is old enough to learn the truth about her ancestors, the Family Curse and the family business.
It is time to take her home to Braslau.
Scene 14:
The true Journey begins.
Geoff gets into the Helicopter with her uncle and waves goodbye to everyone. The helicopter takes off into the air towards the LA air port. We move back to the group on ground level.
The Dude: Yeah man, well what should we do now?
Walter: Fuck it Dude, let's go bowling.
The Dude smiles but pauses for a moment.
Walter: What is it Dude?
The Dude: Walter wasn't our bowling equipment still in the Hummer back at the bungalow?
Walter pauses with a blank look in his face for a few seconds.
Walter: You know what dude you're right.
Walter slaps the dude on the back lightly
Water: Come on Dude, hey Maude, you have any way we can get back to our Hummer?
Maude: We've already arranged everything, the hummer is in top shape. We cleaned it and refurbished it thoroughly.
The Dude begins to sweat and a tense look appears on his face.
The Dude: How thoroughly?
Maude: Go and see for yourself.
Maude pulls out an expensive looking cell phone and holds it up to her ear.
Maude: Okay bring it around.
Only a minute passes and the Hummer comes from around the corner with Knox Harrington driving it, he parks next to the Dude and gets out.
Knox: Here you go dude, *giggle*
The Dude quickly opens up the car and searches under the seat frantically.
Walter: What's wrong dude, lose something?
Dude: Where's my stash man!!!
Knox: *giggle* oh I got rid of that for you, it looked old.
The Dude gets out of the hummer and walks up to Knox.
The Dude: You fuck!! It's better when it's aged you shit head!
Walter: Calm down Dude, I'll buy you some more weed later.
The Dude: Fuck Walter, you can't because all of your shit was cleaned out of the office, we're practically broke!!
Maude: Relax Jeffery, here if it's any consolation, I will replace your "Stash" for you, what kind do you want?
The Dude still panicking and breathing heavily puts his hands on his forehead and tries to relax.
Walter: Dude you don't want to hyper ventilate here, relax Dude, you can get it back, just take the offer Dude.
The Dude: sigh, okay man, just get me more of the stuff we smoked last night okay?
Maude: Done, I'll send it to you via Lebowski express delivery, it will be on your possession by tomorrow. Now if you'll excuse me I have some unfinished business to attend to.
Maude turns around and waves to a white limo parked across the drive way. It moves toward her and she gets in.
Everyone goes their separate ways, Walter and The Dude leave in the Hummer towards the bowling alley and we cut to Geoff and Leo who are now arriving at the air port.
Geoff: Where are we going Uncle?
Uncle Leo: To our roots my darling...in Braslau...across the seas dear.
Geoff: What are we going to do when we get there?
Uncle Leo: You'll find out, just expect it to be a surprise.
Geoff: Alright.
Geoff pulls out her laptop from her black satchel still with the flash drive in it.
Geoff: It looks like the firewalls have been successfully penetrated, hmm... The Big Dick is located in... wait a minute didn't you say you were taking me to Braslau?
Uncle Leo: Yes I did...... why do you mention that now?
Geoff: Well from the information that I gathered it appears that the location you just mentioned is exactly where The Big Dicks central area of operations are!
Uncle Leo: hm.... that wouldn't surprise me one bit. I know for sure now, it's time for you to learn about our family history.
The Helicopter lands and the door swings open, a man in a black suit who appears to work for the air port moves to where the door is and picks up Geoff and sets her down safely on the ground. Uncle Leo gets out and takes Geoff?s hand, as they follow the man to a small jet with the same symbol that is on the Helicopter. And they get in.
Meanwhile we go to the Dude and Walter who are driving towards the bowling alley. Walter is driving.
The Dude; *still stressed*: Man I had been saving that for a special occasion.
Walter: Let it go dude, it's not worth having a heart attack over.
The Dude: sigh You're right.
We see an accident coming up ahead, a bunch of police cars are crashed into each other, Walter slows down and both of them get out to investigate.
Walter: The roads blocked, how do we get around?
An officer comes up to them, it's the same police chief of Malibu.
The Chief: I told you to stay out of Malibu you Fuck! Every time you come here you seem to cause trouble for our community, look at this mess! Who's going to pay for this?
Walter: Well not me.
The Chief: *in a snide voice* "Well not me" I told you to stay the fuck out of Malibu, and I meant it. I'm taking both of you in!
Walter and The Dude: Fuck!
We shift back to Geoff and Leo who are now over the ocean moving fast towards Braslau.
Uncle Leo: You may not know this, but you have an important mission ahead of you, you are a very special child you know that?
Geoff: You always told me that as a young child Uncle, what do you mean?
Uncle Leo: You have a strong heritage Geoff, a very strong heritage.
Geoff: I know that, mother is on the board of trustees and I will eventually take her seat.
Uncle Leo: Even more so than you think.
Geoff: Really?
Uncle Leo: This may come as a shock to you when you find out, so I want you to brace yourself when we meet your great grandfather.
Geoff: Alright.
The plane flies off into the sunset and the scene ends.
Scene 15:
(Curiouser and Curiouser)
We enter the scene with a panoramic fly over of a long stretch of road running along a very large lake. There are trees lining the road along open fields with a few very old looking houses here and there. The view sweeps in to catch up to a long black limo. As we catch up to the limo we see the plate number J2L 4685 and the Lebowski all seeing eye on a small emblem stuck to the trunk. We enter through the back window. Geoff and Uncle Leo are sitting next to each other in the back seat. The driver is separated from the passengers by a glass partition which is now closed. Geoff is nibbling on a Liege waffle they bought at a stand at the air port as Uncle Leo is looking out the window and gesturing with his hand to indicate the vast area they are driving though. He explains where they are and where they are heading.
Uncle Leo: What we are driving through now was once all Lebowski farmland as far as the eye can see. Way back when...this was all Hemp fields for miles and miles. That was our business back then...how our family first got started, and how we made our first fortune. But that was a very long time ago. Long before this area was really settled. The Lebowski ancestors where here close to 3000 years ago when this whole place was not much more than wilderness.
Great grandfather Oliver will fill you in on as much of our history as you care to hear, and then some. I made this trip with my father when I was about your age. All the Lebowski children have made this trip at one time or another for many generations. It's sort of like our Right of Passage.
If you are to take your rightful place in our Family, you must first be presented to our Patriarch and learn the family history. Great grandfather Oliver is the oldest living Lebowski and the head of the family. Great grandfather Oliver was, and still is, a very powerful man. He made a great fortune for this family and help to make it the great power it is today.
Please Princess, be mindful of your great grandfather Oliver. He may be old, but he is still very sharp and deserving of our respect.
All this time Geoff is just looking around and enjoying her Liege waffle. She is only half listening to Uncle Leo as he rambles on about great grandfather Oliver and the Lebowski estates they are passing through as they head to their ancestral home deep in the country side on the outskirts of Braslaw Belarus.
Geoff finishing her waffle: Say Unck, you got anything to drink in that bar over there? Something other than alcohol I could drink?
Uncle Leo: Sure do Princess, what would you like. (Uncle Leo, not caring for her given name, always calls Geoff "Princess")
Geoff: You got any good sarsaparilla? I always liked sarsaparilla, but it's got to be a good one.
On hearing this uncle Leo is taken aback for a moment and shoots Geoff a puzzled look. Geoff is just looking at him with no sign she has any clue to the meaning of what she has just stated.
Uncle Leo: Well Princess, it just so happens we have a large stock of Sioux City Sarsaparilla on hand. Will that do?
To which Geoff nods enthusiastically while saying "Yeah, that's a good one"! Thank you Unck!?
Uncle Leo while opening and handing her the bottle with a big smile: Well, I can see you and great grandfather Oliver are going to get along just fine. He is very partial to Sioux City Sarsaparilla himself. He very seldom touches alcohol. This is one of his limos we are in and he keeps the bar well stocked with his favorite Sioux City Sarsaparilla!
While Geoff was sipping her sarsaparilla and uncle Leo was talking, the limo slowed on the road and made a left turn into a one lane driveway that ran a few hundred feet along a tree line drive with open fields on either side. The driveway led to a two story white farm house with a barn behind and several out buildings in between and on the side. The whole place looked very well kept and manicured.
Geoff: Is this our house?
Uncle Leo: No Princess, this is just the gate house that hides the road to the estate. We are very private people Princess. We do not wish to advertize our wealth or our whereabouts. Great wealth creates great thieves, and great power creates powerful enemies. Though it is better to travel the middle road, it is not always possible; especially for a Lebowski.
Geoff: So we don't want people to know how rich we are, or where we live? That sounds a bit paranoid to me Unck. What good is having all this money if we cannot enjoy it? Are we "On the Run" or something?
Uncle Leo: We enjoy our wealth Princess, we are just not ostentatious about it. We try not to be conspicuous, having learned by past mistakes to keep our wealth uncertain from thieves and our whereabouts in doubt from our enemies. As I am sure your great grandfather Oliver will tell you, there is only one purpose of great wealth like ours, and that is to create even greater wealth. Otherwise, why bother at all?
Geoff: Yeah Unck, that's a good question; why bother at all?
Uncle Leo: Yes Princess a good question indeed, and that is why you are now going to meet your great grandfather Oliver. He will explain the Family Curse to you and the reason we are who we are. It's a long story and no one can tell it better than your great grand papa Oliver!
Geoff: A "Family Curse"? Damn Unck, this is getting curiouser and curiouser! You don't eat your children do you? I think I'll just hang on to this bottle just in case!
Uncle Leo with a big chuckle: No Princess, we do not eat our children.
Then with a wink uncle Leo adds smiling: Well not recently anyway!
You have nothing to fear Princess, nothing at all. In fact, from the stories the family has heard about you, I would say it is safe to say your great grandfather Oliver and the staff are more afraid of you than you are of them! Your reputation has preceded you. And yes Princess, the estate has broadband.
If you are going to take a sarsaparilla bottle with you...better make it a full one! Your great uncle Oliver will love you for it I'm sure! His doctors have him on a reduced sugar intake and his Sioux City Sarsaparilla is on the restricted list. But you will have to sneak it past the staff first.
Geoff: Yep Unck, definitely curiouser and curiouser!
The limo makes its way pass the old farm house then around the old barn to a gated road hidden behind the barn leading back through an ancient thicket of very old trees growing straight and tall.
The road snakes its way through the thicket that opens into a meticulous cobblestoned courtyard leading to a very old rambling two story Tutor. The limo stops at a vine covered large stone veranda where the Housekeeper is waiting to escort Geoff and Uncle Leo into the foyer. The limo driver pops the trunk and carries the luggage to the step of the veranda where two other men pick them up to carry inside. Inside there are two maids waiting to escort them to their rooms. With some little instructions from Uncle Leo as to which bags belong to whom they are each led up a stone staircase and down a hall way to the open doors of their separate apartments. One across from the other.
All of this seems to Geoff to be accomplished almost silently. She had been expecting to see her great grandfather Oliver right off, so this has set her back a little. Looking around to see if she could catch sight of great grandfather Oliver, she gets distracted. There is just too much for her to see to pay much attention to conversation she only catches snatches of what is being said. She remembers being introduced to the Housekeep, Valentina. She seemed pleasant enough and very pretty for a housekeep, but she also seemed very workman like and efficient. No messing around with that one! Valentina did seem very pleased to see uncle Leo though. Almost sure uncle Leo called her Val! Very familiar!
Hmmm, about the right age? Maybe... just maybe?
Yep, definitely Curiouser and Curiouser!
Scene 16:
Maurice!
We transition to see The Dude and Walter in a holding cell sitting together. There is a toilet on the side of the cell that doesn't look like it's been cleaned in a while. Walter takes a deep breath, and both of them are staring on a strange looking green and brown smudge on the ground.
We hear a television in the background, shooting noises ensue from the small speakers, the television looks like it's from the early 90's small for travel. The sound is a bit nerve wracking.
Walter: Well Dude, we'll get out of this.
The Dude puts his sunglasses on and stands up, he stretches and walks over to the wall, he lightly bangs his head on it.
We hear a man?s voice coming from the next room: Hey man, I didn't do nothin'! Get yo hands off me!
A guard comes out of the corner pulling an African American man in his mid 20's and puts him into the cell. The man walks over to the toilet and kicks it.
The new guy: Shit man, I got shit on my new shoes! Shit!
The man walks over and sit next to Walter.
Walter: What are you in for?
The new guy: Nothin', I didn't do nothin!
The Dude: Yeah man, neither did we...
The new guy: What are your names?
The Dude: I'm Dude, he's Walter.
The new guy: Dude? What kind of a name is that?
The man stands up and walks over to The Dude.
The Dude: Well whatever nomenclature you prefer, Duder, or El Duderino,..
The new guy: Dude huh? I like that, and you're Walter.
The man points at Walter extending his arm.
Walter: That's right.
The new guy: That's cool, my names Maurice, it's nice to meet you gentlemen.
The Dude: Nice to meet you too man.
Maurice: So what are you gentleman in for?
The Dude and Walter explain to him what happened.
Maurice: Damn, that beats the hell out of my story.
The Dude: What happened?
Maurice: My girl friend lives in Malibu and took my dog, so I went over to her place to get him back. Can you believe it, she called the police on me! Says I was trespassing or some shit!
We screen to the heights of Malibu, Maurice is banging on the door of an expensive multi-million dollar house.
Maurice: Terra! *bang**bang**bang* let me in!
Terra: *From inside the house* You can't afford to pamper your dog, he'll be much happier with me.
Maurice: *bang**bang**bang* Come on Terra, Please! Rex is all I got!
Terra: if you don't go away I'm calling the police!
Maurice: Terra Baby don't do me like that! Come on!
Terra: Get your ass off of my porch, you don't live here anymore!
Maurice: *bang**bang*
Terra: ....... The police have been called!
Maurice: I aint leaving until I get my dog back!
We shift back to the cell.
Maurice: And that's how I got here.
The Dude: Sound familiar Walter.
Walter: I don't know what you're talking about dude, the relationship with my ex was never like that.
The Dude: Yeah, she only had you take care of her dog every time she left the house
Walter: Dude we've been over this before that dog had papers, rest its soul.
Maurice: Ohhhhh Rex! Come back to me!!
The man gets on the floor and begins banging his arms on the cold pavement, tears flow down his eyes. The Dude walks over to him and gets on his knees and pats Maurice on the back.
The Dude: I'm sorry it happened man...
Maurice sits up and hugs the Dude, still balling.
Maurice: *sniff* I've had him since he was a puppy, I love him so much!
The Dude: *hugging and patting him on the back* Relax man, it'll work out.
The security guard walks in, takes one look and then walks out.
The sheriff walks in.
Sheriff: Alright boys you have bail, you can thank Jackie Treehorn. Get out.
Walter: Can he come with us? *pointing to Maurice*,
Sheriff: Yeah, just hurry up and get the hell out of here, I don't want to see you fucks causing trouble again or I'll personally have you incarcerated in State.
The Dude: Yeah whatever man.
The three of them leave the cell. The Dude invites Maurice to the bowling alley and they continue on route.
Scene 17:
(Great Grand Papa Oliver and the Lebowski Curse)
The scene opens with a door being opened by Valentina letting Geoff into the master bedroom of her great grandfather Oliver. Oliver is sitting up in bed with a bandage on his forehead.
Valentina explains: Your uncle had another car accident yesterday; that is why he was not there to welcome you. His doctors say it is ok now. He is well enough for you to visit for a little while. Please do not over tire him. He needs his rest.
Valentina gently ushers Geoff into the room, checks on Oliver and leaves.
Great Grandpapa Oliver in his deep slow Texas drawl: Howdy thar little lady! I've been waitin' quite a passel to make your acquaintance! I must say, you don't look near as frightening as the stories we hear tell. You ain't gonna shive that bottle of sarsaparilla at me are ya? That's a good one, and it would be a real shame to see it go to waste!
Geoff: Texas?! My great grandpapa Oliver is a Texan? Well I'll be....gosh no grand papa, this is for you. Uncle Leo had me sneak it in for you...said it's your favorite...mine too.
You're not as scary as your stories either...you're kinda cute actually...for an old dude.
Great grandpapa Oliver: Why Thankee Princess, you're not bad on the eyes yourself for a young un. I'll take that there sarsaparilla thankee. I owe you one for that...and Leopold to I guess...darn doctors. Don't tell Valentina you gave it to me...she'd have both our hides.
Geoff: So what's an old Texas Coyote like you doing hold up in an estate in Belarus? They run out of cows in Texas?
Great grandpapa Oliver: No darlin'...oil...and excuses. Plum ran out of excuses to stay. Texas born and bred, but pretty much traveled all over the world...more than once... business interest to tend to. Gotta keep an eye on things from time to time. That's Leopold's job now. Me...I'm just takin' er easy and brushin' up on family history...darn interestin' too. But that's why you're here now...ain't it? Yep that's me now...the family historian.
Say...you know how to drive a car?
Geoff: Yeah, I'm not supposed to, but I can drive. I don't have a licence though...not old enough.
Great grandpapa Oliver: So how old are you now...15?
Geoff: 16...I turned 16 in June...June 21st.
Great grandpapa Oliver: Yeah, that's right. I remember now...92 wasn't it? Ya know I was in LA back in 91 when Maude and your father "The Dude" first got together. Yep, Leo called to tell me Maude found us another Lebowski. Had to check it out for myself...I dug his style back then. We ran a DNA test just to make sure, and your mother insisted on a STD test for the obvious reasons. Turned out he was a Lebowski! A darn mystery how your father slipped under our radar all those years. Yep, a real mystery. But than he was a laid back sort a fella, not complicated... didn't exactly call attention to himself...so he just dropped right off the radar.
Geoff: "Laid back"! You mean "Stoned" don't you? Yes, I heard all about Father...a real throwback to the 60s. Still is. Ha, "laid back"! That's a good one grand pop.
Oliver, snickering: hee hee, well you're a pistol alright, yep...like your style too. We're going to get along just fine little lady...just fine...sassy as that thar sarsaparilla..and just as sweet ya are!
Say,...is Leopold still here? He gone yet? Now there's a real prig for you...no fun...no fun at all. Even as a kid he wasn't any fun...all business...he got the Curse real bad. I had it too...guess I still do, but it's not so bad anymore. Could say I satisfied my curse so now it pretty much lets me alone...most times.
Geoff: What Curse? What is this Lebowski Curse you and uncle Leo keep talking about? Am I cursed? We all turn into Texans when we get your age?
Oliver: Leopold didn't tell you? Your Mother never mentioned why your grand pappy was the shit head he was? No one Ever told you about The Curse? Now that's just not right...neglectful that is...down right neglectful.
Well we're going to set that straight...right now!
Since as long as anyone can remember; and that's a very long time, we Lebowski's have been cursed with an obsession with money...not our own money...other people's money. Don't matter how much we got...it's never enough. We gotta have it all. If someone else has some...we want it. Drives us crazy tryin' to get it too. No satisfying our Monkey till we have it all! Every bit of it...everything... the Whole darn World. We are obsessed with owning it All!
That's the real Lebowski Curse.
And then thar's the flip side of the curse...your daddy has that part...no ambition at all...none, nada. Yep, thar's been a few "Dudes" in the Lebowski line...going all the way back over 2000 years ago to the original 5 Families. Back when this here whole area was still a wilderness surrounding a little village called Lebow. That's where our name comes from, the village we settled in...actually, the village we settled. It was just the 5 families...got together to scratch out a living off the land. Stuck together too...inter-married and took the name of the land. Pretty much still do the same...keeping the blood line pure...keeping our fortune in the family the best we can. Yep...all Lebowski's for thousands of years.
In fact the very first records are all full of the very first Lebowski with the flip side of the curse...no ambition at all...yeah, the first "Dude"!
Now this here story I'm about to tell ya was written down over 2000 years ago. It was written in the old Greek language, then into Russian, and finally 300 years ago into English. The original records still survive...they are kept in a sealed vault hidden away someplace safe. One day I'll take you there and you can see them for yourself...really somethin' to look at.
We begin our story with the five families...and the Lebowski Curse.
The five families were mostly farmers scratching a living from the fertile ground left behind by the receding lakes. They were very good at it too...mostly 'cause the soil was so darn good. They grew everything they needed and then some. The extra they traded and bartered. They had a lot of extra and their wealth began to grow. What they really grew well for trading was Hemp. It grew like weeds in the fertile soil and was used for everything from making rope to cloth and rugs and food and even medicine. Hemp is nature's greatest gift to mankind. Too bad the USA government outlawed it...could have made a fortune...the country wouldn't be so far in debt as they are now.
And then there's the other kind of hemp, the mystical kind, the smoking kind, the marijuana kind. A different kind of nature's gift. That was always in very High demand. There were a lot of Mystics back then...just as there are now...a whole lot of mystics. The 5 Families made a fortune trading in both, and life became a whole lot easier for them and their numbers began to grow...almost as fast as the hemp. They intermarried and because of their wealth, kept to themselves, never trusting outsiders. They built up and out till the five houses became a small village.
Before too long word got out about our soil and others came looking to settle and farm this very fertile land. The five families would not have it. They could not stand to have anyone else competing with them on what they considered their land. One way or another they bartered, bought, bribed, or otherwise cheated anyway they could to drive all competition off their land and out of the village. Just plum ran off a few who wouldn't take the hint.
It is said that one day they ran off a witch who cast the curse saying no Lebowski would ever have peace as long as another living soul owned a penny...we have been cursed ever since.
Me...I think it was the inbreeding. They weren't careful enough as to who was hooking up with whom. There were some real tragedies way back when...some not that long ago too.
Now not all Lebowskis suffer from the curse...our women folk seem to be spared for the most part, but every now and again one will get slapped real hard. It's mostly the men folk...some more than others,..and it can show up differently depending on the linage. Some are driven into business and use cunning and leverage to best their opponents...others into crime. Take my brother Richard and I...I started working and running a business barely out of my teens; earned an MBA. Richard on the other hand preferred the Con. He was cursed with the darker side. Always with the lying and cheating...always with the con. Then of course there is the flip side of the curse,...having no ambition at all. There were a few of those soon enough in the second and third generation to inhabit the village. Of course they were family so they were tolerated and put to the best use they could.
One in particular made a real mark for himself. World history books don't tell of him,..they don't remember...but our history sure does.
Most of our very early accounts are little more than names and dates and ledger accounts. Records of who grew how much of what and who married whom. Dry records. Interesting to a Lebowski maybe, but nothin' worth tellin' a story about. That is until this here fella came along...the son of a son of a first family...a lazy fella by all accounts...fancied himself a Mystic...smoked a whole lot of the family product we here tell...well this here Dude made a discovery that changed the whole darn thing. Turned the whole darn Lebowski village on its head so to speak...so they sent him on a trip... a trip that would change the history of the whole dang world.
Yep Princess, you might say this here fella was the very first Dude ever recorded in history.
Scene 18:
(The Tourney)
We switch back to The Dude, Walter and Maurice who finally arrived at the bowling alley. The three of them enter the air conditioned alley, lots of people are there.
Walter: Is it me dude or did we miss something?
The Dude: Hmm?
Walter: There seems to be more bowlers here than usual aren't there?
The Dude: What's your point Walter?
Walter: What day is it?
Maurice: It's Wednesday.
Walter: Fuck! Dude this is the tournament we've been waiting for!
The Dude: Come on!
The Dude and Walter run off to the desk.
Walter: *Panting* We're here for the tournament. *gasp*
Desk Guy: Well you guys better hurry down to lane 21.
The Desk guy hands Walter and Dude their bowling shoes and they sprint to the lane. They spot Jesus Quintana down at the lanes in his usual purple outfit. Quintana waits with a big smile on his face, and next to him is Woo!
Jesus Quintana: It's too late mahn, we've already started.
Walter: Fuck you, according to the rules as long as we get in by the 3rd frame we can still enter.
Jesus: no, no, no, those are not the rules.
Walter: Hey can we get a Coach over here!?
A coach hears Walter and walks up to them.
Coach: alright what's going on?
Walter: I came in before the third frame was rolled, I can get into the tournament.
Coach: he's right guys.
Jesus: Hey they only have two members on their team, this is a 3 team tournament mahn! I won over your prized Woo mahn, HOO! *Quintana thrusts his pelvis forward making a rude gesture*
The Dude quickly rushes up the stairs.
Walter: Fuck dude what are we going to do?
Quintana: There's nothing you can do you fucks, I win.
Walter turns around and notices the dude isn't there. He turns around a couple times. Trying to find him.
The Dude runs back down the stairs with Maurice not far behind.
The Dude: Hey man I found our third guy.
Jesus: Hey man that shit won't work here! He has to be USBC sanctioned, which means he can't play. *The jesus pointing his finger around walking up to Walter* Hah, I fucked you hard there mahn!
Maurice: Actually I am USBC Sanctioned.
Walters eyes get wide and begin to glow.
The Dude: He can play man!
The Coach just happened to be listening in on the conversation.
Coach: It's true, just sign this here Maurice.
Maurice: Thanks.
Maurice signs the paper and they begin bowling.
We see them all bowling, the balls glide quickly over the lanes, strike after strike. Both Jesus' team and Walter's team stay very close throughout the first game, Maurice bowls a near perfect game. Maurice bowls with an interesting style, spazzo and totally unorthodox but gets more strikes than anyone else, 9 in a row to be exact!
It's the last frame and the only two people left bowling are Maurice and Woo
The Dude, Walter and Maurice are all in a circle standing together. The Jesus notices and makes another rude hip thrusting gesture to them. Walter sees this in the corner of his eye and turns around.
Walter: Fuck you, fuck the three of you!
Walter turns back around facing The Dude and Maurice.
Walter: Alright it's all up to you.
Maurice: Don't worry guys I got this.
The Dude: If you get a perfect game man, we will win the first game.
Maurice: Chill man, you have nothing to worry about.
Walter: How did you get so good?
Maurice: I'm a semi-professional bowler, my father was a cab driver and didn't get to spend much time with me as a kid so he dropped me off at the bowling alley often to bowl while he was out working, that's how I got so good. I've been bowling since I was 8!
Walter: Fuck dude, let's kick this pederast where it hurts eh guys?
The three of them put their hands together.
All three in unison: Yeah!
We move back to Jesus, Woo, and his old partner Liam.
Jesus: They're up to something, and I don't like it. Do you think we can beat them?
Woo: I'm don't know, their new guy is pretty good.
Jesus: Well you're just going to have to be better! Now go!
Jesus pushes Woo toward the lane, Woo gets up to bowl, he shines his ball and stands up, he takes a deep breath, walks the approach and rolls the ball. It's a strike. But it's the 10th frame so he has 2 more chances to get 2 more strikes.
Maurice gets up next, he polishes with the utmost skill, fast and worthy of the finest.
Maurice stands up and almost trips, the ball moves out of his fingers, it hooks across the lane early and hits the other side of the pocket, a Brooklyn strike!
Walter: Yeahh! Maurice!!
The Dude: Way to go man.
Woo gets up for his second shot, throws it and it's another strike.
Jesus: yeah mahn, that's how we fuck them!
Woo: one more, I have one more.
Jesus: One more strike and we are almost assured of our victory HOO!
Maurice mockingly gets up, grabs his crotch and yells *Woo!!* he turns around, takes his ball from the ball return and without even lining up he just throws the ball across the lane, *BANG* The ball hits the floor, spins at high speed and gets a loud STRIKE!
Maurice: mmhmm you want some of this fools?
Maurice turns around fast and smacks his own ass and wiggles it a bit.
Jesus begins to sweat and his eyes get big.
Jesus: Hey man fuck you!
Jesus turns around and walks to Woo.
Jesus: this guy is freaking me out, finish this.
Woo gets up, sets himself up on the lane, and throws the ball, it moves a little to far to the left and leaves a 8. The 7 and 10 pins are up. The machine knocks them both down showing the end of his turn.
The score shows that Team Jesus has 850 and The Dudes team has 830 if Maurice makes his final strike on his 10th frame they'll win.
Nobody knows if he'll make it, not even Maurice is sure if he can. He moves closer to the approach but not on it, puts his fingers in the ball and throws it far, the ball spins and spins, moves faster and faster, it hits the pocket and the pins move fast, the ten pin is still up, but the other pins on the other side are still spinning, the 7 pin slides across and hits the 10 pin. It's a strike!
The Dude and Walter give each other a big hug.
Walter: Hey fuck you Quintana!
Jesus: Hey fuck you too mahn!
Jesus is infuriated at the loss of the first game, he screams and stamps his feet loudly, he smashes his left hand on one of the chairs and it gives him a sharp pain.
Jesus: ahhhh!
Woo: are you okay?
Jesus smacks Woo with his injured hand.
Woo: ow, what was that for?
Jesus: AHHHH!
The Dude Walter and Maurice are all watching this scene quietly.
Walter: I think he's cracking dude.
The Dude raises his eye brows and takes a deep breath, he rubs his hands on his face and sits deeper in his chair.
Jesus walks over to them.
Jesus: You may have won this round, but there are still two more games, you can't win them all.
Maurice: That's your opinion.
The Dude looks over at Maurice with an eye brow raised.
The Jesus walks away.
The scene ends.
Scene 19:
( The Duddha )
We open once again in great grandpapa Oliver's bed room. Geoff is now sitting in an easy chair next to Oliver's bedside. Oliver's slow Texas drawl is very hypnotic and Geoff is falling under its spell.
As Oliver begins rambling again we slowly approach Geoff's eyes, then, just as they are about to close, we enter into them to see the account Oliver is relating unfold in the back of Geoff's brain.
Geoff is imagining Oliver's story, but she is imagining it using the people she knows. All the characters are taken from her experiences; Walter, The Dude, her Mother Maude and even Quintana and Woo pop up now and again.
We hear Oliver telling the tale, but once we enter into the back of Geoff's brain Oliver's voice begins to fade into the background and the story blooms and comes to life.
Oliver: Yes sirree, this here Dude fella and his pals often made the long journey to some of the bigger villages to trade the home grown products for other stuff they needed. Well one day a fella at the market,...who just happened to know this here Dude from a time before,... traded the dude a rug he thought was something real special. The friend said the rug came all the way from India and it was woven from hemp, but nothing like any hemp he had seen before.
His friend also gave the Dude a little of his dwindling supply of the smoking type of hemp he scored from the same fella he got the rug from.
Well let me tell ya, the Dude was major impressed with both the rug and the bodacious weed this here fella gave him.
Right off the Dude could see this was not like any kind of hemp that grew around here. The weave of the rug was both stronger and softer than the hemp from his family farms; it really tied that rug together! And the smoke was...well...it was just bodacious! The Dude had never smoked anything like it before.
The Dude knew a good thing when he saw it, and knew if his family didn't start growing this new hemp someone else would and put them out of business.
Well he rushed home and called a meeting of all the heads of the family. When they saw what the Dude had they were just as impressed as the Dude was. It was decided right off to send the Dude to the place where this new hemp came from.
The Dude was to go in secret and buy, beg, borrow or steal as many seeds as he could, and return as quickly as possible before the next planting.
And so the journey that sent the Dude, who would just so happen meet up with another dude who would change the world, began. The Dude was off to Magadha India and a short stop at a place to rest under an olive tree. And after that...well...the world would never be the same.
(This is where we enter through Geoff's eyes)
Through Geoff's eyes we now have Walter playing Gautama; the Buddha before his mind got limber when The Dude met him under the olive tree one day.
Oliver: The Dude was there on family business trying to score some of that bodacious hemp they heard about back on their farm.
The Dude was just out checking the local fields and stopped under the olive tree for a little rest when he runs into this Gautama fella sitting on the other side of the tree trying to meditate. Well the Dude being the Dude just sort of stands there eying this here Gautama fella for awhile till Gautama opens one eye and peaks over his yellow tinted shooting glasses to see who is staring at him!
The Dude nods: Hey there, nice day isn't it? A little hot though...nice under this tree though. What kind of tree is this?
Gautama/Walter in a polite but short reply: It's an olive tree.
He then closes his eyes again an attempts to return to his meditation.
The Dude; looking up and not noticing Gautama had shut his eyes again: Oh yeah, olive huh? Good to eat?
Gautama/Walter seeing that The Dude is not going to go away decides his concentration has been broken anyway so he might as well talk to this strange looking fella.
So they get to talking and before long the Dude offers some of his potato wine he had brought with him from home to Gautama/Walter, they cut it down with some milk and honey a young girl had offered Gautama and they sat there for a bit just drinking a little, talking a little and smoking a little of the local product...just for quality control.
The Dude finally asks: So what was that you were doing when I first found you sitting here?
Gautama/Walter: I was trying to meditate Dude. Trying to reach a higher state of consciousness.
The Dude: Meditate huh? Without any weed? You do that a lot?
Gautama/Walter: Yes, quite often. As often as I can.
The Dude: Does it help? I mean do you ever reach that higher consciousness thingee there?
Gautama/Walter: Sometimes...just a little...just enough to make me wish to go even further.
The Dude: That must be tiring? What's there that's so interesting?
Voice Over:
So Gautama/Walter begins to explain his life's quest.
When the Dude finds out this here Gautama fella is starving himself to attain an altered state of consciousness so he could find the reason for all the suffering in the world the Dude says:
The Dude: "Fuck man, isn't starving yourself just creating more suffering? Why create more suffering in a world that already has way too much suffering? Like man, a much wiser fellow than I once told me the whole purpose of life was to just like live it man. It seems to me we should just like take it easy, abide and do no harm."
Gautama first begins to mildly protest what the Dude has said by muttering: Ah,...but then that would mean that...oh, yeah...why didn't...You know, I think that just may be it!
Voice Over:
And just like that the wheels in his head started turning and churning as if someone had taken hold of his mind and pulled its trigger till it went...CLICK!
Yeah, all it takes is a slight change in perspective to change the whole picture. After years and years of thinking and meditating, it just takes one little change in how we perceive things to change everything in an instant.
All that thinking and meditating...well...that just sets up the stage for comprehension to take place.
Realization comes in a flash; a blinding flash of insight; like getting kicked in the back of the head by a mule...it turns the whole Universe upside down inside out and sideways. In an instant all the pieces of the puzzle just rearrange themselves into one beautiful picture. So beautiful you have no doubt of its truth. You are changed forever and you know from this moment on, there is no going back. The weight of the world is released from your shoulders and you, in that one instant, are now at peace with the Universe. You feel one with it, and realize you have always been one, as a great wave of love washes over you. In that one instant you know you have transcended what you once thought you were into the entity you really are. It is now all so very clear; so filled with love, and there is no going back.
Gautama/Walter continues: That Would Mean...THAT WOULD MEAN...!! YES!! YES!! I Got It!!
Voice Over:
Now that the Gautama's mind was limber enough to process all the new shit the Dude had laid on him, the lights went on and at that point he rips off his yellow tinted shooting glasses and exclaims: I have been Enlightened! I am Buddha!
In his excitement at finally figuring the whole dang thing out he grabs the Dude by his bowling shirt and exclaims as he carefully puts his glasses back on: Yes Dude I have it all figured out now. Ask me anything...anything at all!
The Dude studies The brand new Buddha for a few seconds; taking note to how he had changed in just a few seconds, and now seemed to be glowing all over and says:
The Dude: Ok friend, since you offered,...I...and the other Mystics back where I come from, have always wondered what is the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything?
The new; and now radiating, Buddha replies: Ha Dude, that's an easy one. The answer is Fortitude Dude. The answer to Life, the Universe and Everything is...For-ti-tude!
The Dude; taking another hit on the roach, rolls it around in his head a little before replying: Fortitude?! Yeah man, For-ti-tude. I can dig it!
(We now cut back to Oliver's bedroom just as Geoff is coming out of her trance.)
We hear Oliver's voice once again: And thar you have it! That is how the Buddha became enlightened and became The Buddha! All because he just so happened to run into The Dude, who was just trying to score some of that thar bodacious hemp!
Geoff; rubbing her eyes with her fists: Damn grand pop! That was some tall tale.
Oliver: Not tall at all Princess...not tall at all...true...every word...well mostly every word...I may have embellished a tad here and there. It's all written down by one of our ancestors shortly after it happened. According to our ancestor, that's just the way it happened. Got lots more tales of this Dude and a few other Lebowski Dudes just like him. Yep, it seems there was a Lebowski Dude mixed up in just about every great event in history.
Stick around a while and I'll tell em to ya.
We fade to black!
Scene 20:
(That's how we roll)
It's the second game and we see Jesus sitting in a chair on his part of the lane staring at the ground, contemplating to himself. His index and middle finger are pushed firmly against his forehead. Liam walks up to him.
Liam: Hey man, we can beat them, we just need to win the next few games.
Jesus: Don't you think I..... KNOW THAT!?
Jesus stands up in rage, he stares Leo dead in the eyes and is shaking in frustration.
Liam: No reason to get upset over this, we can do it.
Jesus catches himself before doing something he isn't proud of, he looks to the lanes and then sits back in his seat.
Jesus: I tell you Mahn, this isn't good, they may beat us again.
Woo comes walking back from the other side of the lane.
Woo: I put gum on the bottom of one of their bowling shoes while they were out getting a drink.
Jesus: Good work, now go and sit down before we look suspicious.
Liam: We're sabotaging them?
Jesus: Jyes, we are. Woo did you put the gum on that new pandejo's shoes?
Woo: uhh, yeah I think.
Jesus: you think?!
Woo: well they all kind of left their shoes here at the same time, I dnn't know who's is what.
Meanwhile we pan back to the The Dude sitting down, he props his leg up on the other crossing his legs, he puts one shoe on and sets his foot down. Then he puts on the other one the same way.
Jesus is watching him from afar.
Jesus: Well we know you didn't put it on his.
Woo: yeah it wasn't that pair.
Woo pulls out a pack of gum from his pocket and begins chewing it, and safely returns to the gum to his pocket.
We move back now to Walter sitting down putting on his shoes.
Walter: Well dude, two more games, I'm sure we'll pull somehing off.
Dude: Yeah man, as long as we have Maurice, we should be fine.
Maurice: Yeah man, we should be fine.
Maurice begins putting on his shoes as well. He puts them on pretty fast, stands up and starts walking around stretching his long lanky legs.
We move back over to Jesus.
Jesus: You fucked it up Woo!
Woo: uh-oh.
Walter finishes putting on his shoes and stands up and notices his shoe is sticking more to the ground, he looks under it to notice the Gum.
Walter: How did I get gum on my shoes? It wasn't here when I had left. Dude do you know anything about this?
The Dude is day dreaming and is slightly startled by Walter talking to him.
The Dude: Wha, huh? uh no man, no idea.
The dude smiles and resumes his day dreaming.
Walter realizes that the only ones who could have done this would be someone who wasn't getting drinks with them at the bar. Walter gets up and walks over to Jesus, Woo, and Leo.
Walter: You think you can pull this shit at a tournament?
Jesus is looking slightly scared by being found out.
Walter: Do you have anything to say for yourself?
Walter is very calm, like the calm before the storm.
Walter: Hmm? Do you? you? you fucking pedophile.
Walter hit a nerve with Jesus and he gets up and stares Walter down. Meanwhile The Dude finally awakes out of his reverie and notices that something is going on on the other side of lane seating. He walks over slowly to investigate.
The Dude: What's going on man?
Walter: Stay out of this dude, I've got this handled.
Jesus: Why don't you say that last remark about me to my face, huh?
Walter: I've been waiting a long time to say this.... Fucking pederast, prick, cheater.
Jesus lunges at Walter but is stopped by Leo. Leo begins whispering into his ear.
Liam: You don't want to get kicked out of the tournament, sticks and stones man.
Jesus stops squirming in Liam's arms.
Jesus: Hey fuck you man.
Walter without saying a word takes his shoe off and walks over to the coach and explains to him about the shoe. Jesus walks over to the coach.
Jesus: He has no proof!
Walter looks at Woo who is ignoring the situation, chewing his gum.
Walter: See look over there, he's even still chewing the gum, I assure you if you took that gum out of his mouth and compared it to the one on my shoe it would be identical!
Coach: You guys that isn't sportsmanlike. Can I see the gum please?
Woo takes the gum out of his mouth and the coach gets a napkin, puts the gum on it and compares the two.
Coach: they are the same, and I can see you have even more there sticking out of your pocket. With the power vested in me by the USBC you guys are barred from this tournament.
Walter: Cheaters never win.
Upon hearing this, Jesus goes ballistic, he takes a bowling ball and throws it at Walter, but from Walters reflexes that he developed in Vietnam it allowed him enough time to anticipate the ball and dodge it.
Jesus then throws another ball. Walter shuffles quickly over to Jesus in an attempt to grab him, he brings him arm over to Jesus and gets bitten instead.
Walter: Ahhh!
Walter grabs Jesus' arm and forces him on his back, we see Walter now from the perspective of Jesus' crotch, where we see Walters foot move back and then quickly move toward us. We now see Jesus on the ground grasping his crotch in pain.
Jesus: AHHHHHH.
Walter: That was self defense, he had a weapon.
Maurice sees this and comes over.
Maurice: Hey guys what's going on?
The Dude: Man our opponents cheated and then bit Walter.
Maurice: What kind of fighting is that?
Walter: The fighting of a sorry excuse for a bowler.
Walter shakes his head
The coaches are now running over and holding Jesus down until the police arrive,
We then cut outside a half an hour later where we see police cars now arriving. The moon is out and it is now night time.
Maurice: Those were some good games, do you think we beat everyone else with all of our games combined?
Walter: I have confidence that we weeded out the main competition.
The Dude *Half Listening*: You think Maude delivered my weed yet?
Walter: Not sure dude, but I'm more sure that we won that tournament that's for sure. I mean just alone Maurice had a 780 series.
Maurice: Let's go out and celebrate.
Walter: Where do you have in mind?
Maurice: In and Out Burger sound good...my treat?
The Dude and Walter look at each other, and then look at Maurice.
The Dude and Walter in Unison: good idea.
They leave the bowling alley parking lot, and as they are driving away we see Jesus getting hauled away by two policeman. He is squirming in rage.
Policeman: Alright, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will-
Jesus cuts him off: Hey why don't you put this on the record, let them know I told you that you can go fuck yourself mahn, this is bullshit.
The cop takes out his baton and wacks Jesus on the side.
Jesus: Ahhhh
Jesus is hauled away into the police car and is taken away.
The scene ends.
Scene 21:
(Epidudeus)
We see Valentina knock and then enter Geoff's apartment. Geoff is sitting on her king sized four poster bed propped up by several enormous overstuffed pillows. She has a notebook computer on her lap and is typing very quickly. She glances up at Valentina then quickly back to her computer, as she hits save.
Valentina: Mr Oliver would like to see you...as soon as it is convenient. He is in his study and would appreciate if you joined him there. I will take you when you are ready.
Geoff: That's ok Val, I know where it is. I can take myself...if it's all the same to you?
Valentina: As you wish, but don't tarry too long dear..Mr Oliver hates to be kept waiting.
Geoff, closing her notebook and climbing off the bed, smiles at Valentina: No problem, I'll be right there as soon as I go potty.
Geoff enters her bathroom as Valentina leaves, but stops when she hears the door close. She turns and peeks her head out to make sure Valentina has gone. Geoff walks over and opens the small refrigerator next to the bar and removes two bottles of Sioux City Sarsaparilla and wraps them in a hand towel.
Geoff slowly opens her apartment door and peeks out to make sure no one is there, then leaves closing the door behind her. She opens it again and reenters her room, goes quickly over to her bed and recovers her notebook computer. She removes a SD card and sticks it in her pocket as she places the notebook in a desk drawer. She slides a paperclip into the top of the drawer in such a way that it will fall to the floor if the drawer is opened.
Satisfied, she exits her apartment once again repeating her previous cautious exit.
We next see Geoff rap softly on a very large ornate wooden door.
Great grandpapa Oliver: That you Princess? Come in...come in! I've been waitin'...got somethin' to show you.
Geoff enters the study and crosses over to where Oliver is sitting by a library table with a reading lamp with a rotating green glass shade pulled to his end. He is looking at what looks like a very old and yellowing scroll. He scoots his chair over a tad and beckons Geoff to pull up a chair next to him so she can get a better look at the writing on the ancient scroll. Geoff hands Oliver both of the bottles of sarsaparilla as she slides a chair oven and sits.
Oliver pulls out a bottle opener from someplace under the table where we cannot see and opens both bottles saying "Thankee" with a nod of his head as he hands one back to Geoff.
Their actions look routine, as if they have been doing this for sometime. In spite of their age differences Geoff and great grandpapa Oliver have become friends sharing stories over bottles of sarsaparilla.
Oliver pointing to the fading hieroglyphics neatly inked on the yellow brown parchment: See here?...this is the document I was tellin' you about...that is the handwriting of our very early ancestor who kept the records of the Labowski family...it's over two thousands years old! Well not this one...this is an exact copy I had made of the original. The original is too fragile to be showin' around. It's under glass in the catacombs way down under our feet.
Geoff bends over the scroll, but its Runic script characters look very strange to her eyes.
Geoff: What kind of writing is that? Greek? It doesn't look like Greek.
Oliver; No Princess, this here is the writing of our people...what people today call Old Novgorod.
Yeah, I can't read it either...very few scholars can...but we have the translations...most all of them.
This one here is another one about a Lebowski "Dude" like your father...and funny you should mention Greek...cause Greece is where this here tale takes us. This here is one of the oldest stories...except for the one about the Buddha...that we have records of. This here tale is about a Greek fella name Epicurus...another fella in history a Lebowski Dude met up with and changed history.
Now this tale kicks off pretty much like the other story kicked off...with this here lazy Lebowski Dude being sent by the Family to a far off land in search of a different kind of hemp they all had heard about. Now they sent this here Dude because...well because he was good for very little else...Yep another Dude who fancied himself a "Mystic" and consuming way too much of the Family product.
Once again we enter through Geoff's eye's as Oliver tells the tale and it unfolds in the back of Geoff's brain, then blossoms into life with The Dude and this time Jackie Treehorn playing the main parts, but Walter, Maude and the other cast of characters mill about and in and out as the scene unfolds.
We see The Dude just arriving by goat cart. He gets out of the cart just a few steps outside a archway leading to a garden. Looking through the arch we can see a half dozen or so people in Greek robes sitting or standing about with a slender man standing in the middle. That man is Epicurus/Jackie Treehorn and he has a lady/Maude by the hand and is looking into her eyes and talking softly. As he is talking he catches a glimpse of The Dude standing just outside his gateway. The Dude is just standing there looking up at the arch and the inscription; written in a language he cannot read, just wondering what it might say.
He is just standing there staring as if to intuit its meaning.
A man?s voice comes from within the gates: "Stranger, here you will do well to tarry; here our highest good is pleasure."
The Dude waking from his half trance and a little surprised: Huh?
Epicurus/Jackie: That what it says...the inscription...what you have been staring at. It says "Stranger, here you will do well to tarry; here our highest good is pleasure." Welcome stranger, I am Epicurus...how can I serve you?
The Dude: Epicurus? Hey...you're the guy I have been looking for. The bar maid down in the tavern said I might find you up here. I came to see you about the hemp you are growing. They say you have the best anywhere around.
Epicurus/Jackie: And you are?
The Dude: Oh yeah...I'm The Dude man. You can call me Dude.
Epicurus/Jackie: Well Welcome Dude...come on in and tarry. Like the sign says, our highest good is pleasure...and it's our pleasure to have you. Come...come...meet the gang! Relax and dine with us, we can do business later. My friends call me Eppi,...I like your face Dude...call me Eppi.
The Dude; Well Eppi, thank you...I could use a beverage...where's the bar...you got a bar?
Epicurus/Jackie: Now don't bother yourself Dude...I'll have a servant fetch it for you. The House Wine ok?
The Dude: Ah...you wouldn't happen to have...Ah...yeah Eppi...the house wine will do fine...thank you.
Epicurus/Jackie: Yes I think you will find it to your liking...here...let me introduce you to my other guests this evening. That striking red head is Maude. She's an Artist. Her work is very Vaginal...if you know what I mean. She posed for that nude statue over in the corner there. Watch yourself Dude...she likes foreigners...and you would be just her type.
Over there...that's Quintana and Sobchak. They are both Solipsist and are in a continuous debate as to which one of them is real and which is the illusion.
The Dude: Sounds tiring?
Epicurus/Jackie: Exhausting, but it can be quite fun to listen to them go at each other sometimes...they can be quite clever in their arguments.
Over there sitting on the fountain wall is Bunny the Slave girl.
The Dude's eyes widen as he looks at Bunny.
The Dude: Slave girl...really?
Epicurus/Jackie: Careful there Dude...careful...she may be a slave, but she is very high maintenance...if you know what I mean. Now here is Joy the checkout girl from the tavern. Ah...I see Woo has brought your wine.
The Dude: Hey I know her...she told me where to find you. Hi Joy! Say Eppi, mind if I do a J?
Epicurus/Jackie: Suite yourself Dude...we are all about Pleasure here. When you are finished out here come into the study and we can talk business. My servant Woo here will show you the way.
We see The Dude and Joy talking as Epicurus/Jackie walks towards the house with Blondie close behind.
As Epicurus/Jackie leaves Maude begins making her way over to insert herself between the Dude and Joy. Maude takes the J from The Dude, takes a hit and gives it back. The Dude nods and smiles...Joy seeing she has been out ranked and out maneuvered turns and walks away.
We slowly fade to webs of gossamer, colored by the washed out tints of the scene we are leaving. The colored strands begin to swirl then right themselves into the next scene as we see The Dude and Epicurus/Jackie sitting in his Study. There are what look like Wine Racks covering nearly every wall, but they hold no bottles. They are really scroll racks and most are filled with what appears to be brand new scrolls, many containing several each, and all neatly tied with different colored ribbons.
The Dude looking around at all the scrolls: Well Eppi...nice place you got here. You do a lot of reading?
Epicurus/Jackie: Yes Dude...I do read quite a bit...and write quite a bit as well. That wall over there is where I keep the papers I write...over 300 so far. I'm a Philosopher Dude. When not reading I write on the nature of the things that concern me Dude. Mostly on thinks like pain and suffering and the pleasure that comes in their absence. I think and write about Pleasure Dude.,,and what all that really means.
I guess there's not much call for my line of work in your hemp business is there Dude?
The Dude: My Business?...it's not my business Eppi...it's my family's business. I'm just the "Gofor" guy...the guy who goes for stuff the family business needs. It's not My business Eppi...I'm sort of a philosopher myself...a Mystic you might say.
Epicurus/Jackie: A Mystic?...you do much writing then? I would love to see your work.
The Dude: No...no...don't write...do a lot of thinking...just try to keep my mind limber with a strict regime of alcohol and drugs...you know wine...hemp...and the occasional mushroom...and commune with whatever is out there...whatever comes my way you know.
Don't try to force it...too tiring...just let it flow through me...a come what may thing...if you know what I mean.
Epicurus/Jackie: Yes I do Dude. I know exactly what you mean. But unfortunately Dude I have some depressing news for you...we are all out of hemp. I do have a sack of seeds for you to take with you, but Woo has informed me all our hemp has been turned into parchment. That's what I have been writing on the last year or so.
The Dude: Parchment?...damn Eppi, I thought you guys used papyrus for writing on? Hemp paper...now that's interesting.
Epicurus/Jackie: Well we usually do Dude, but have you seen the price of papyrus lately? With everyone learning how to read and write these days the price of papyrus has gone through the roof. Had to use my hemp to turn into writing material. I used the good papyrus stationary for official letters and formal writing, buy I use the hemp parchment to write down my thoughts and musings. They are the scrolls with the red ribbons...over there...on that wall there.
Sorry Dude, but you caught me at an un-opportune time.
But I was thinking about cleaning house a little...getting rid of some the old writing I have changed my mind about...or wrote differently...there maybe a few hemp scrolls we can roll up and try smoking.
Let me just go through a few here to see what's on them and I'll set aside the ones I want to keep. I will get more hemp and make more parchment with the next crop. In the mean time we can smoke the rest.
Epicurus/Jackie takes a scroll off the rack and unrolls it reading. Then decides it's not worth keeping and hands it to the Dude saying:
Here you go Dude...roll this one up and smoke it!
The Dude: Well thank you Eppi, don't mind if I do...what's it say?
Epicurus/Jackie: This one says "I am The Walrus!"...don't ask Dude...long story...and I was really stoned when I wrote it.
Here's another you can smoke Dude it says "Those who love...do not fight. Those who fight...do not love. The best way to benefit all,...harm none."
I rewrote that later as "It is impossible to live a pleasant life without living wisely and well and justly; agreeing neither to harm nor be harmed, and it is impossible to live wisely and well and justly without living a pleasant life."
Sounds much better that way...without all that fighting in there...don't you think?
We fade back to Oliver and Geoff sitting side by side at the library table in his study. They clink their sarsaparilla bottles together and drain their last sip as Oliver finishes his story.
Oliver: And there you have it...before they were done the Dude and the other guests pretty darn near smoked all the hemp old Epicurus had on hand...of his more than 300 writings only a hand full that were written on papyrus survived being inhaled by the Dude!
Geoff: You know..I don't believe a word of what your say, but I sure do enjoy the way you say it. We have been to India and now Greece,...where are we going next?
Oliver with a twinkle in his eye and a smile on his face: What?...you don't believe it? It's true...every word of it. Just as it was written right here on this here parchment. But I understand, if it's a little much to take...all in one sittin'. By the time you get to half my age you'll understand the importance of it all.
But; to answer your question, tomorrow we are going someplace really special. We will be going down into the catacombs...deep down into the heart of the Lebowski estate. There's another parchment stored down there I need to show you. It's a Prophecy written over a thousands years ago...and it's the reason you're here Princess. It was written all about you.
Fade out.
Scene 22:
(Dude-napped)
Walter, The Dude, and Maurice are now seen at the In and Out Burger, The Dude takes a big bite of the burger and is staring face to face with Maurice, who Walter is sitting next to. They are in a booth. Maurice is dipping his french fries in a small pool of ketchup on a napkin.
The Dude: Things turned out pretty good didn't they?
Maurice: Yeah Dude, I'm outta jail, I got to go bowling man, I think I won that tournament too! no problems.
Walter: Quintana got what was coming to him.
The Dude: Walter lets not talk about that now man, it's bad karma.
Walter: aww Dude that karma is all a bunch of crap.
Maurice looks out the window and sees a taxi cab.
Maurice: Hold on guys, I'll be right back.
Maurice gets up and leaves the restaurant, we see him out the window from The Dude and Walters perspective,
Maurice knocks on the window of the taxi, it rolls down, Maurice sticks his head inside and after a moment opens up the door and sits inside and the taxi we see it drive away. Maurice and an older gentleman get out and walk inside.
Maurice: Hey guys' I'd like you to meet my father.
Maurice's Dad: The names Jay, nice to meet you.
He extends his hand to Walter who shakes it and then to The Dude. He stops and looks at him for a second.
Jay: Hey Have we met?
The Dude: I'm uhh.. not sure.
We flash back to The Dude in the back of the taxi complaining about The Eagles over a decade ago.
Jay snaps his fingers.
Jay: I know you! You're that fool who ragged on my music!
Maurice: What?! You two know each other?
The Dude: That was a long time ago.
Jay: Yeah but I remember it like it was yesterday, this fool came into my cab and insulted the eagles.
Maurice: You insulted the Eagles dude?
The Dude: Hey man I had a hard day.......
Jay: I don't care what you were doing okay?.... this is stressing me out, that's it I'm outta here.
Maurice: Wait, wait, dad, these guys bailed me out of jail man.
Jay stops for a moment and looks at the dude in his eyes.
Jay: You say he was directly responsible.
The Dude: yeah man, I knew someone...
Maurice: And then we won a bowing tournament together. hoo! *Maurice claps his hands*
Jay: Well then I guess were cool.
Jay extends his hand and shakes it with The Dude.
We see out of the corner of the of our eye. A bunch of guys in swat uniforms running inside the In and Out Burger.
Swat Guy: Okay, everyone get down!
The Dude: Now what?
Three of the swat men them run over to the Dude, Walter, and Maurice who are all sitting with their heads pressed on the table as instructed. Jay is on the floor as he wasn't near enough to the booth. The three of them take The Dude, Walter and Maurice to a large hummer parked outside. And as soon as they are pulled in, bags are put over their heads.
The Dude: Fuck, not again.... man....
We transition out.
We now come from the view point of The Dude as the bag is lifted from over his head. He notices that the three of them are tied to chairs with their hands behind their back.
The Dude: Man, how long have we been out?
Walter: I counted every minute dude, it's been about 14 hours.
The Dude: Fuck, where are we? I have to use the bathroom!
Maurice: *panicking* I don't know man! I just wanted my dog back!
We see someone walking around the three of them.
A man?s voice: Well Gentlemen, we finally have you.
The Dude: Wha?
The same man: You've been on the run for a while, that giant prick Jackie Treehorn has been a thorn in my side for a long time, as well as that she-devil Maude. Welcome gentleman, allow me to introduce myself. I am The Big Dick.
Walter: You..... fucking.... two timing.....
Big Dick: Yes Walter, I lead you along like a little puppy dog. arf arf...
Walter: Son of a bitch!
The Dude: What do you want with us? I have to take a dump!
Big Dick: You're more important to my plans than you know dude..... yes I've been watching you for a long time, I know who you are. One second.
The Big Dick puts the bags over their heads again and we fade out.
We come back in and he lifts the bags as he did previously.
The Dude: Alright, thanks man.
The Big Dick: I can't have you stinking up the place with piss and shit now can I?
Maurice: hey hey... one question... why am I here?
Big Dick: I don't give a fuck about you!!!
The Big Dick kicks down the chair that Maurice is tied to, he is now on his back.
Big Dick: ahh sorry, just a little anger streak I have here and there. You just happened to be with them so my men picked you up.
The Dude: Uhh man, so why did you kidnap us?
Big Dick: *chuckling and pacing from one side of the room to the other* ahh, well I guess there is no harm in telling you..... You are descended from a long line of dead beats in your family that date back over a millennium.
We quickly transition to flash backs of the previous scenes with The Dude and Epicurus as Big Dick explains.
Big Dick: There have been men on your side of the family who have revolutionized the world in more ways than one, who have changed history and made some of the great religious leaders and philosophers who they are considered today.
The Dude: My side of the family?
The Big Dick: Yes Dude, we are related. Both of us hail from the original Lebowski families.
The Dude: Huh... you got a beverage man? This sounds like it's going to be a long story.
The Big Dick: *bursting out in rage again* No you fuck!! I don't have any god damn beverages for the likes you!! Deadbeat!!
The Dude is kicked and falls backward on the ground, now in the same position as Maurice.
Maurice *looking over to the dude*: Does this guy have a hair up is butt or what?
The Dude: ow... This aggression will not stand man.
Big Dick: Good, then you can just stay on the floor.
Walter: You fucker, I oughta ring your neck and hang you from the brooklyn bridge!
The Big Dick: I don't think you're even in a position to insult me, Sobquack
The Big Dick walks over to The Dude and stares at him, we see Big Dick from The Dudes perspective. Big Dick grabs his neck and pulls him back up.
The Dude: *cough cough* Hey man, uhh how about that *cough* beverage?
The Big Dick: Ughgh, fine, if it will shut you up for one moment!
The Big Dick snaps his fingers and a man comes into the grey room they are in, which looks similar to a holding cell.
Big Dick: Get him a White Russian.
Man: Yes sir.
The man leaves the room.
Big Dick: Now where was I? Ahh yes, you and I are related Dude, your side and my side have played our roles for centuries, now it's time to put it to an end.
The Dude: Why? Things are looking pretty good as they are now.
Big Dick: Because there is a prophecy.... I have half, and my brother has the other half. My side tells that a Dude will disrupt the plans cursed ones which is my side and prepare them for......
The Dude: Prepare them for what?
The Big Dick: I don't know.... I don't have the rest , the other half is with my brother...
The man returns with the White Russian.
Big Dick: Ah, feed it to him like a small child, I'll find it amusing....
Man:...... yes sir....
The man walks over and puts the glass to The Dudes lips as the Dude takes a couple gulps.
The Big Dick: Let's just say that you are the key to ruining my plans of world domination. that's as far as I know.... now...
The Dude: ......How would I.... do... that...?
Big Dick: it's a good hunch, your side of the family always seems to ruin my side, ever since a witch cast a curse on us while we sent someone from your lazy side of the family to get hemp, good for nothing bum, but a lucky one. I have seen records of this as a child of those from your side making bigger steps.
The man leaves and sets the white russian down next to the dude... who is still tied up.
The Dude: Hey well at least I don't have anger issues man.
Big Dicks head turns red and instead of kicking the Dude back down he kicks Walters chair down.
Walter: This guys a loony dude, don't listen to him.
Big Dick kicks Walter and walks back over to The Dude.
Walter: Augh!
Big Dick: Well, I'm afraid that this loony is going to be keeping you here for a long time. Or at least until I can get a certain possession from the other side of the family. That country bumpkin of a brother of mine has something that I want. Now you will cooperate and do what I tell you so that I can get it..... understood?
The Dude: yeah man, whatever, can you just untie me so I can get my beverage.... man?
The Big Dick snaps his fingers yet again and the man comes in.
Big Dick: Untie them, but don't let them out of your sight, I'm locking the door, so the only way in or out is with the key that I have. Understood?
The man nodes and the Big dick leaves.
The man sits up the dudes chair, and then starts to untie him.
The Dude: Fuck Walter, how do we keep getting into these situations?
The Dude moves his arms out and grabs the White Russian next to him and begins to sip it.
The man picks up Maurice and begins to untie him.
Walter *still on the ground*: Fuck dude I don't know, maybe this karma thing you were talking about earlier might have something to it.
The scene fades out.
Scene 23:
(The Prophecy of Freyja Seidr)
We open the scene with a flash back to early history.
Voice Over:
We are deep in the forest of Teutoburg in Germania on September 2, 989 CE.
The forest is dense with very old black oaks and the floor of the forest is overgrown with dark green thorny bramble whose blood red thorns glisten in the few rays of sunlight that can penetrate this deep. Here and there bright green ferns grow in small clumps around unseen bogs that add to the discomfort to any who enter too deep. But deep is where the Witch who calls herself Freyja Seidr makes her home...so this is where the Dude must go to get that which he seeks...that which he desires...that which he Must have!
It is said the Witch of Teutoburg Forest has an elixir of Perception given to her by the Old Gods who once ruled this land so very long ago and that this forest was their last refuge. Many say they are still here.
The Dude is driven by forces he does not understand to acquire this elixir, even if it should cost him his life. He was born a Mystic son of a Mystic son, but has not the great sight of his fathers. Having heard of the elixir of the Witch of Teutoburg he has traveled from his home in Braslaw in Belarus to this cursed forest...in search of a Witch no one speaks of but in whispers. Many claim she is a myth told my mothers to scare the wayward child and she does not exist. Only a few will whisper she is real, but will cross themselves at the mention of her name. But the Dude has seen her, if only in his dreams. He knows she is real, and has seen where to find her. She beckons to him seductively taunting him to come to her. She calls him by name through a mist of swirling fog and always he follows. Night and day he follows his dream till it has led him deep into the forest of Teutoburg.
And now he is lost.
The light grows dim and he has lost sight of the almost path through the bramble. It was hard enough to follow in the daylight, but now it is impossible. Funny, but it should only be a little past midday? Has he lost track of time? A song comes floating across the bramble;... a woman's voice soft and sweet. He has heard this song before...in his dreams. But he is not sleeping now...or is he? Freyja Seidr calls to him...he must follow.
We see the Dude's back fade from view into the fog as he walks through the bramble following the song.
We fade out in a fog and then back in as we see Oliver and Geoff standing in what looks like a stone cave. It is one of the caves that make up the catacombs beneath the Lebowski Estate. There are shelves along one wall containing sealed glass boxes.
Oliver pulls a small glass box out of a crevice and places it on a small round table under an overhead recessed lamp. The lamp cast a dim yellow light that is just bright enough to see by.
Inside the case is the bottom half of a torn parchment. There is a small white label attached to the top of the glass box.
Oliver reads the label.
Oliver: "...the fate of your family will rest in the hands of a child who reunites the blood line centuries old and carries both the curse of greed and the blessings of fortitude. A child who walks in the twilight and holds the key to bring either salvation or destruction for which side she shall decide to focus."
That's about you Princess...you my dear...are that child.
Geoff: Yeah Unck...sure...sure it is. You don't really expect me to *Believe* any of this do you gramps? You off your meds again?
Oliver: No it's true...really is. Yeah, I don't blame you for being skeptical... it's a little hard to believe,...I didn't really believe it myself at first...but...well...but here you are.
Geoff, looking at Oliver little puzzled: You really believe this malarkey? How do you know the document is even real? Where's the other half? No way, it's real...not about me.
Oliver: Well Princess, I am not the only one who believes this prophecy is not only real, but is all about you. Both Leopold and your mother Maude believe also.
The other half...well that's a whole story in itself.
As why I believe this parchment is the real thing?...well I'm the one who found it...me and Richard...right down here in another tunnel back aways and down another level.
It's not safe down there any more, all boarded up...leaking and falling down after Richard...well...it's not safe there any more.
This is going back aways to when by my brother Richard and I were about your age. We were brought here for much the same reason you were...like all the Lebowski children before and since...to be introduced to our history by the head of the Family. That was my grandpapa Leopold back then...my son Leopold is named after him.
Our father brought us and Mother here for our induction...our Right of Passage into the Lebowski Family. Father returned to the States to take care of business and left Mother, Richard and I here in care of Grand Papa Leopold and the staff. We were only here a few weeks when Grand Papa took ill. A few days later Mother and Richard came down with a high fever as well. It was a virus they called the Madness, that had spread through the area. The high fever caused delusions and could cause brain damage if not taken care of right away.
Mother and Richard recovered after a about a week. Grand Papa Leopold lingered for nearly a month before passing away. Mother and Richard were never the same.
It was after the Grand Papa's funeral and everyone...and I mean *Everyone* came...that we found it.
The Family were all up stairs for the "Gathering" as we call it, we should have been invited to it, but we weren't, so Richard and I came down here to the catacombs to get away.
It had been a very hot day, and it is always cool down here. Even cooler down below. We went exploring down in the lower level...it was dripping even back then. We found a tunnel not used anymore because of the dampness...it was dark and damp and very cool. But as we entered I leaned against a wall and I guess because of all the dripping it was weak and gave way. A whole section of the stones fell and just missed hitting us by inches. We started running from the tunnel afraid it might cave in, but I tripped an fell. And there it was...laying right in front of my face. It must have been hidden in the wall behind one of the stones...had to have been there for centuries since it was at least that long the tunnel had been used. The whole lower level had been propped up and some sections sealed off hundreds of year ago. That section of tunnels leads under the lake house. No one was supposed to go down there...for just the reason the stones were unstable and could fall without warning.
I picked up the scroll and ran from the tunnel just as another section gave way right over head. I got out just in time to find Richard glaring at me. He had a long pole in his hands and just stood there with this creepy glare in his eyes staring at me. It was the first time I ever saw that side of Richard, but it wouldn't be the last. It gave me the chills I'll tell you...still does just remembering.... damn...weeyu.
Well there I go rambling again.
Well back to this here parchment.. We just stood there looking at each other for a few seconds till Richard saw what I had in my hand. "What's that?" he asked, as he seemed to snap out of what ever evil thing had a hold of him. He seemed back to normal...almost...or so I thought. Right then and there he made a grab for it, but I pulled it away just in time. I had no idea what had got a hold on him, and it was a little unsettling, but I wanted my old brother back. I said "Let's look at it up in the other tunnel where the light is better...we should get out of here anyway before the whole place caves in."
We came up here...right over there in fact...and unrolled it. Right off we could see it was really old and covered in this here script; neither of us had any idea what it was, but we figured it was something really special and probably very valuable.
That is when Richard made another grab for the scroll and tripped me at the same time. I held on and the parchment ripped in half.
Richard once again just stood there looking down at me and my half of the parchment. He had that same eerie glare in his eyes as before. I just sat there, holding my half of the parchment close to my chest, looking back up at him.
He didn't say a word...just turned around and walked back up and out of the catacombs.
I sat there...a little stunned and a little scared...not for me, but for Richard. I knew then and there the sickness was still in him... and wandered if he would ever recover.
It was while I was thinking about all this that I then realized with a shock, that it had been Richard that had tripped me down in the tunnel, and it was he that caused the ceiling to collapse while I was still inside...Richard had tried to kill me!
I don't know where he got to after that. I didn't see him that night or the next day. I told Father what had happened and showed him my half of the parchment. He said he would have it translated for us, but I was told Richard denied everything, even that he had the other half. Whatever happened to the top half I do not know. Maybe Richard still has it, or maybe not.
I left that evening with Father. He said Mother and Richard were staying here till they fully recovered. They never did. Mother lived on for 10 years, but I never saw her after that. They say she had the fever again..and went completely mad. Richard remained with her to the end. I was always more like Father and Richard more like Mother...now..even in their madness.
The last time I saw Richard was at Mother's funeral and than at the Gathering right after.
When the family board decide not to grant Richard Mother's voting seat on the board he went ballistic. If there was any doubt to his madness, that doubt was shattered when he vowed to destroy the Family business and take vengeance on every one of us.
He has been true to his word in trying; and has caused us no amount of trouble, but really has caused the business more embarrassment than real harm...but he keep trying.
I am sure you have guessed by now, my brother Richard is your Big Dick, the one who caused you so much trouble these past few weeks.
I don't think Richard knows we found an old document from the 10th century telling us who wrote the Prophecy, where it came from, and how it came to be here.
We will never know what the whole prophecy says without the top half. But then Richard does not know what this half says, and that is our Ace-in-the-Hole!
He doesn't know it's all about you!
Fade to fog!
Scene 24:
( Dudejavu)
A black screen transition to the right reveals the three dudes still in The Big Dicks cell, with the guard watching them.
The Dude puts on his sunglasses and lays back, his arm moves behind him and he spreads his legs and gets comfortable in his chair. We move slowly to the right over to Maurice who is sitting with his head in his hands, still moving to the right, we see Walter tapping his feet, he is slouching, and then sits back like The Dude.
Walter: Well Dude, it's not that big of a deal.
The Dude just looks over to Walter with his sunglasses still on, he doesn't say a word.
Walter looks down on the floor, we pan see from behind Walters perspective, Walter scratches his head.
Walter: Well Dude, at least it can't get any worse right?
Maurice looks at Walter this time, shooting him a nasty look.
Walter stops again, he takes a big deep breath and groans as he exhales.
Walter: uahhhhghhhhhhhghhh
The man watching them is in the corner of the room, not saying a word.
The Dude: Hey man, since were here and all, could you like give us restroom privilages, or like some weed uh, man?
The man doesn't say a word, he just continues to stare.
Walter: Don't worry about it dude, we'll get out of this.
Walter gets up and walks around the room, he stretches his legs and walks over to the man, Walter looks at the man dead in the eye. And then turns around and farts with his anus pointed at the man.
Walter: Oh sorry guy. Must have been the beans I had eaten earlier before I got here.
The man holds his nose for a second, he waves his hand to get the smell out of his area.
Man: *cough, cough*
He still doesn't say anything.
We see a camera staring at them all from behind the three of them. We pan out through the camera and then through The Big Dicks computer screens where we see Big Dick watching them, a man comes from behind him.
The lackey: Sir the broadcasting time is in 12 minutes.
Big Dick: Good, you know what to say right?
The lackey: Yes sir.
Big Dick: Good.... NOW GET OUT!!!!
The man runs away as fast as he can through a dark corner.
We move back to the Lebowski estate, all of the televisions all change blue, we see the different televisions in the different rooms with a giant 72'' screen out near the kitchen where Geoff and Oliver are eating breakfast.
Geoff: What's this gramps? Some kind of new show?
Oliver: Ahm not sure Darlin', let's wait and see.
The screen changes now to the man from earlier.
Richard?s lackey: We want what is rightfully ours, we want the other side of the parchment from the catacombs. If you do not comply we will kill the Lebowski Dude and his friends.
The screen changes to see The Dude, Walter, and Maurice all sitting together in the grey holding cell.
The lackey: Bring it back to the area in the catacombs where you found it in one 3 hours or they will die.
The screens turn off.
Geoff: Damn, how did they do that?
Oliver: High tech devices, princess.
Geoff: Well what are you going to do, we have to save my father!
Oliver: Don'tcha worry, we've got protocol's designed specifically for situations like this.
Val enters from inside the kitchen.
Oliver: Ya'll know what to do?
Val: Yes, we are already on it.
Geoff: What are you going to do Uncle?
Oliver: you'll see princess....
We transition back to The Dude, Walter, and Maurice.
Walter is still walking around, he farts again.
The Dude: There are other people here man.
Walter: Sorry dude, can't help it.
The Dude looks to the guard, he has his shirt over his nose.
The Dude: Hey man, can you like open up a window or something?
We scroll around the room, to see that there are no windows.
The man takes out a walky-talky.
Man: *cough* sir, we have a problem here...
Voice: Yes?
Man: one of the prisoners is passing gas....
Voice: What?.... hold on....
The Big Dick walks in with two other men, they grab the 3 of them and put bags over their heads again, we see things again from their perspective.
They remove the bags and find themselves in a shed, once again tied up to their chairs. The guard from earlier opens up the door to reveal the strong morning sun. We peer outside to see a vast forest.
Man: We have attached bracelets to your ankles, if you leave a mile out of this premesis, the bracelets will electrocute you until you move back into the safe zone. Got it? Here's a knife.
The man throws a knife on The Dudes lap, who is still tied up.
Man: have fun. I'd suggest that you stay here though, for your own safety.
The man leaves through the door and we hear the sound of a helicopter take off.
The Dude attempts to move his legs so that he can position the knife closer to his hands so he can cut the rope. Maurice comes to after appearing to be napping.
Maurice: Where am I?
The Dude: Somewhere out in the wilderness.
Maurice: man, first a holding sell and now this, what the fuck?
Walter: Yeah what the fuck!
The Dude: Fuck, how am I supposed to untie myself?
Maurice: hold on a second
We see Maurice moving his hands around, the ropes just fall off.
Maurice: Hey!...mine were loose!
Maurice gets up and grabs the knife, and cuts Walter and The Dude free.
Walter looks at his ankle:
Walter: fuck me dude, we're on parole.
The all look outside at the same time, the move slowly towards the door and peer out, looking left and right. The Dude on the left, Walter in th middle, and Maurice on the right. All three of them walk out into the wilderness, and see the vast forest all around them.
Scene 25
(The family Mash up)
It's dark, we see a control monitor with a screen displaying where The Dudes are on the right. There is a hand next it, we zoom out to see Big Dick sitting watching the monitor and occasionally tapping his hand on a button to change the angle. It clicks to The Dude, then to Walter, then to Maurice, as they cautiously move around the shed. We move toward the monitor as it is focused back on The Dude, as we get closer the monitor shifts to real life.
The Dude: Well Walter, what have you gotten us into this time?
Walter: Dude you know damn well that this isn't my fault.
Maurice: How is it his fault Dude?
The Dude: Walter got into this whole Big Dick shit way before any of this happened.
Walter: I apologized Dude, didn't I? I didn't know.
We move toward The Dude who just put his sunglasses on as Walter was talking. The Dude is not saying anything and just staring at Walter.
Walter: Fuck Dude, don't give me the silent treatment.
Maurice: It's more important that we get the fuck out of here dudes.
The Dude: Sigh, yeah man you're right, let's keep looking around.
The camera pans out and then morphs back into the monitor, we see them leaving the shed.
We hear a slight chuckle, but see nothing but the monitor and the hand continually changing the screens.
As we pan out and up to a bird's eye view we see Walter, The Dude and Maurice standing in the middle of a vast forest. We see the shack and a small clearing next to it from where the helicopter took off. We pan up further to see we have been looking at the trio on a large HD screen.
We pull back a little more to see Big Dick still watching them. The man who was watching the trio from earlier comes in.
Man: Are you sure we can leave them out in the forest like that? It's so close to the others.
Big Dick: our signals jam anything and everything within 3 miles of the old estate, not even Oliver can find us.... That's why we have been able to stay under the radar, because we are constantly ON their radar. ha ha ha!
meanwhile we transition back to Geoff and Oliver in a hi-tech looking room.
Oliver: This is our security office Princess. We are well staffed and very well protected. No one, not even Richard can get in here without us knowing.
Geoff: How come you haven't found Richard yet?
Oliver: Well if he's plannin' on meeting me down in tha family catacombs, he must be on the property somewhere, unless he is just sending his henchmen ther' to retrieve it from me.
Geoff: So what are you planning to do? You can't go down there in person, obviously you must send some of your henchmen down there.
Oliver: no, he would know I could easily do that, he probably has the catacombs wired and tapin' to keep an eye on us. We don't want to injure yer dad by makin' a mistake.
Geoff nods and thinks for a moment.
Geoff: Well it seems like you have this covered.
Geoff signals for Oliver to come closer so she can whisper something in his ear.
Geoff *whispering*: I'm going to go get you some of that good sarsaparilla, I'll see you soon.
Oliver winks to her as she runs off out the door.
Oliver: Hmm... somethin' doesn't seem quite right...
Val comes in the room.
Oliver: have you found Richard yet?
Val: Unfortunately no... He probably has a good signal blocker so even our technology can't break through it.
Oliver: Damn... that brother of mine has been a thorn in my side for too long.
Val: Do you have anything in mind?
Oliver: Well ah guess I should go down ther' with the other half of the prophesy.
Val: The other half? Why would Richard want you to take it down into the catacombs to where you found it? He knows it was walled up years ago and it's not safe...he's the one who had it walled up!
Oliver: He's mad...insane... he knows I haven't been down there since...since the cave in. He just wants me to go down there so I will remember how he tried to kill me. He wants the other half of the prophecy but that's not all, .he's playing with me...taunting me...trying to force my hand so I make a mistake...again. Not This Time Richard! Not This Time!
We move to Geoff who is accessing her laptop.
Geoff *thinking to herself*: The decoding I did earlier from the USB said that he was located here.... Where would he be? hmm... under the radar? That's it, he's able to jam the signal so strongly here because although the estate has the advanced technology, even it can't penetrate something equally strong coming from right next door,.... But where would it be...? I think it's time for me to go...
Just then Oliver walks in to the room, Geoff quickly closes her laptop and turns around to try to hide everything.
Geoff: Oh hey! So why is it so bad that Richard gets the full prophesy?
Oliver: If he gets the other half then he'll know that yer' the real force to be reckon with, not yer father.
Geoff: But what can I do?
Oliver: I told ya what it said, you'll have to interpret it for yerself.
Geoff: Hmmm... I think I need to take a walk....
Oliver: Alright princess, don't stray too far ya hear? The defenses are on high alert and we can't afford to lose you.
Geoff: Yeah yeah... I got it...
Geoff says as she leaves the room, we move toward the window and see her leaving the estate towards the forest.
We move around to Oliver slowly walking out of the room, he has an intense look in his eyes.
Oliver *thinking to himself*: What happened to that Sarsaparilla? .....hmm... I don't like this.
We transition back to Geoff
Geoff: Well if I'm going to find what's inside, I might as well go to a peaceful place to do it.... a place like the catacombs.... ha ha ha!
Geoff pulls out the other half of the prophesy from her pocket.
Geoff: I'm coming dad....
We transition back to the Dudes party, they are now walking around trees.
Maurice: I hope we find civilization soon, I can't handle this kind of stress.
Geoff enters the area from behind a tree.
Geoff thinking to herself: "Is this the way I went last time?"
The Dude: Geoff!
Geoff: Dad?!
Geoff runs to the Dude and gives him a hug.
The Dude: Where did you come from? Did the Dick get you too?
Geoff: Dad his real name is Richard, and no, he wants my grandpa to meet up at the catacombs here.
Maurice: Catacombs? I don't like the dead, Dude.
The Dude: oh well,I guess we'll all just tag along.
Walter: You will, ahem, need us as guards after all.
Geoff: Shut up Walter, not even the guy you had tabs on me could out run me, I'm safer than you are.
Walter *thinking to himself: "I will not get angry, I will not get angry!"
The group starts walking toward the catacombs which are near by. We pan up to see it close in the distance, again the screen shifts to the monitor as Big Dick watches the entire scene.
Big Dick: This should be interesting....
Big Dick stands up and leaves the room.
The screen turns dark, we hear dripping and the sound of the wind. we move out to see Geoff and the other three looking into the dark abyss that is the entrance to the catacombs.
Maurice: uh man.. uh... I'm not completely sure about this man.
Geoff: Come on, I'm used to the darkness.
They all start walking inside.
Geoff: Hey pops, you got a light?
The Dude searches his pants and pulls out a lighter and hands it to Geoff.
She lights it and walks in front of them leading the way. There is a pile of rubble in the middle of the floor, everyone steps over it, it's pretty high so everyone ducks to get over it.
They continue walking, water is dripping down from the ceiling.
They stop and some bats fly out towards their direction, everyone ducks.
Maurice: Holy shit, wh-what were those?
Geoff: Shhhh!!! Who are you anyway?
They are still walking as Geoff is looking at Maurice, she is walking backwards.
Maurice: Long story...short, your pops got me out of jail.
We see Geoff quickly flash back to the scene between The Buddha and The Dudes ancestor. She smiles and looks at her dad and nods to him. The Dude is smiling too.
They continue to move downward through the catacombs, now at a slant, seeing skeletons and coffins left and right.
Walter: psst! hey brat, are we almost there?
Geoff: shut up Walter, I don't even know, we are just going until we find someone. I've never even been this deep before. And we need to keep quiet, this area is VERY old....
We see her now walking towards us, she stops and points to us and screams.
We now move to Geoff's perspective.
There is a man with a skeleton mask on looking very scary.
Geoff and Maurice both start screaming at the man in front of them in fear.
Maurice: Ahh!! I knew I shouldn't have gone to celebrate before we found out we won!!
All of their screams caused a partial cave in over the man. he falls, his head is still exposed with his arms out, the rest of him there are rocks on him.
Geoff: Now let's see who you really are!
She takes the mask off of him.
It's Oliver.
Dude: Howdy stranger, fancy meeting you in a place like this.
Oliver: agh.... likewise dude....
Geoff: Are you okay? Why were you dressed like a skeleton?
Oliver: Because I didn't want you... to get hurt princess....I thought I could scare you out of here, but I thought you were alone.....
I guess it's appropriate though....argh
Geoff: What is?
Oliver: .that I die here, in the Lebowski burial chamber.
The Dude: I didn't know you were a Lebowski man?.
We now hear footsteps coming toward them, Big Dick with 6 of his black opts men approach them.
Big Dick: ha ha.... wow brother, seems like you're in the same position you were in all those years ago.... heheh.
Oliver: Richard.... I can't believe you would be behind something like this!
Geoff: Richard? this is the brother that took the other half of the prophesy?
Richard snaps his fingers and has his men grab her and search her pockets, they pull out the other half of the prophesy.
Richard: Ahh at last, now I can read the rest. Men, give me some light here!
Richard pulls out the other half and puts them together.
Geoff, The Dude, Walter, and Maurice are already running back toward the entrance while Big Dick was reading the prophesy.
Richard: Men grab that girl!!
The black opts men are now chasing them.
We move back to Oliver and Richard.
Oliver: How did you get down here...?
Richard: I live in the old estate, it has a passage way to easily get under the second floor.
Oliver: But what about.... the cave ins?
Richard: I had some of my men clear out the areas that were blocked off and reinforce some areas, fortunately it looks like they missed a spot.
Oliver: yer a no good two timing....
Richard bursting into his rage again: I'm two timing?!!! You took everything from me!!! Those seats and votes were supposed to go to me! Do you have any idea the torment I went through!?
The strength of his voice caused another cave in above Richard, he falls to the ground and is knocked out.
Oliver: heh... well it's just as well.... you and I both meet our demise.... here of all places..... heh...
Oliver passes out.
Scene 26
Everyone finally reaches the light of day and they continue to run into the forest.
The Dude: *huff huff* where are we going?
Geoff: back to the new estate!
Suddenly a helicopter comes down, the same one from before with the Lebowski all seeing eye emblem!
The Helicopter quickly lands near the clearing, as the black opts men come running out, someone on the other side of the chopper starts shooting at them.
The door near The Dude, Geoff, Walter, and Maurice opens up, and it's Maude! Along with Leopold!
Maude: Hurry, grab our hands!
They get pulled up into the Helicopter, as then another helicopter comes rushing out from the other direction, it begins to shoot their chopper! The bullets however aren't doing anything.
Geoff: What's going on!!?
Maurice: We're doomed! They got fire power!!
Maude: Relax, this helicopter is reinforced with bullet proof glass and the titanium is reinforced with our family technology.
Geoff: Wouldn't that make the copter heavy?
Maude: Our technology has had a breakthrough to have strong and light weight steel.
Bullets continue to fly as we still see the other helicopter still trying.
Maude walks over to the pilot with her headset on.
Maude: Get them now.
We see the pilot pressing a large red button, as a missile comes out of the side of the chopper and destroys the other into bits. The helicopter falls on the entrance to the catacombs.
Geoff: Nooo!!
Leopold: What's wrong princess?
Geoff: *yelling so that Leopold can hear her*: Oliver and Richard are still in there!! There was a cave in deep inside!
Leopold: Let's return to the estate, Val is already aware of the passage that Oliver used to get ahead of you, she will know what to do.
We see the helicopter move back in the direction of the new estate. Suddenly we hear screaming from inside the helicopter.
The Dude: (screaming in pain) Ahhh the fucking bracelets!! I forgot!
Walter: Turn the copter Around!!
We transition to black, we now see everyone in the main room of the estate, except for Leopold, Maude and Val waiting to hear from Val about Oliver. We hear Geoff finish telling them about her experiences starting from the morning of leaving Jackie Treehorn's.
The Dude: Sounds like quite an adventure.
Geoff: Me? You had more fun than I did, going to a bowling tournament, meeting a new friend in a holding cell, getting kidnapped. I spent most of my time here in the safety of the estate, hearing Grandpa Oliver's wacky stories.
The Dude: I still can't get over that the stranger I met before you were conceived turned out to be a distant relative. Man, what a trip.
Maurice: Yeah, it's interesting how everything turned out, I mean if it wasn't for all this happening, I would still be in jail!
Geoff: Well you're out, and now let me introduce myself. I am Geoff Lebowski, it's nice to meet you Maurice.
She extends her hand out to him.
He shakes it.
Val comes in.
Val: When we had arrived the entire area had caved in. We cleared away the rubble but we didn't find any bodies.
Geoff: Richards men must have gotten them....
Geoff gets up and walks over to the wall, she starts crying for her grandpa.
Val: We need to know what you will be doing as far as the estate goes, the family business needs you to take the seats of the missing family members.
Geoff:..... why so soon?....
Val: It is family procedure.
The family is evenly divided on either side of a long boardroom table.
Geoff is seated on a Queen Anne's chair near, but back from the head of the table. She needs to look down and across the table to see The Dude sitting in the corner of the room abiding and doing a J...being careful to flick the ashes on the floor.
Maude hands Geoff a contract and a pen.
Maude: Sweetie please sign here, once you do you will own all of the property you see here, as you are a member of both sides of the family. You will also receive the votes and the seats of your relatives.
Geoff is sitting and we see her back, we hear grunting sounds from her. As we move around to the front side we see her grasping her wrist, she is trying to stop herself from signing.
Geoff is thinking to herself, we hear her inner dialogue- "Do I choose my mothers side? or the mystics of my fathers side?"
Geoff: Aghh I just want to live a normal life..... I can't succumb to this feeling to own it all.... I know I won't stop..... why did I have to be born with this curse....?
Great uncle Leopold: The world is already yours Princess.
Geoff looks to her mother, but Maude is no help saying:
Maude: It's up to you darling, it's your choice to make and I cannot...am forbidden to... make it for you.
Val is standing next to Maude, she whispers in Maude's ear What choice do you think she will make?
Maude *whispering*: Obviously taking the estate, as she is a woman in the family she doesn't have to worry about the curse the men have.
Geoff hears this and thinks to her self. *Am I really void of this curse?*
She walks over to the table with the document that will give her most of the votes to the family and the seats.
Geoff begins to have a mad look in her eyes, the same as Richard had, she takes the quill that is next to the document and dips it in ink. She puts her hand over it, about to sign it, but then stops.
Geoff sits there thinking and looking at each and every face around the table. But then she sees The Dude...her "Pops"...sitting all by himself in the corner with his sunglasses on, seemingly oblivious to everything that's been going on. The Dude is just sitting there doing a J and...well...Abiding.
Geoff pauses, takes the contract and the pen and walks over to him. She stands in front of him for a few seconds looking him in the eyes. They are communicating without words and the Dude gives a slight nod in reply.
Geoff: I... I can't do it.... this is the wrong decision... I have the curse... I know I won't stop once I have this.
The Dude: You can make whatever decision you want to make.
Geoff: ....
The Dude: I know after all this shit that we went through, Any decision you make will be a good one, I know it.
She slowly stands up and crosses over to Maude. Looking into her mother's eyes Geoff takes her hand and kisses Maude on the cheek. She then turns and makes her way back to her seat at the table.
She takes the contract and rips it up.
Geoff: (with authority in her voice) I know what I want to do with my life. Live it as easy going as possible and help people using my knowledge and abilities, not the money that my family has accumulated through greed and the suffering others.
[We hear One Toke Over the Line begin to play very softly in the background.]
Geoff reaches into her jacket pocket and takes out a pair of Ray-Bans...slips them on, and looking at The Dude, gives her head a pointing tilt in the direction of the open door. The Dude nods again and gets up. They lock arms and make their way towards the open door.
[The music begins to get just a little louder so it can be heard over the clamor beginning to come from behind them as mayhem has broken loose with everyone screaming at each other. There are no actual fights, but there is table pounding, a little shoving and papers being thrown in the air.]
Just as Geoff and The Dude reach the door Geoff reaches into The Dudes sweater pocket and pulls out a J. She holds it up curiously, turning it over and smelling it. Then, just as they have exited the door, she asks:
Geoff: Hey Pops...mind if I do a J?
They turn the corner and exit the scene before The Dude can reply.
[One Toke Over The Line begins to rock the house and takes us the credits.]
As the credits roll, we see what became of everyone. We once again hear Richard narrating the story. We see pictures of what they were doing as he narrates.
Voice Over:
Well The Dude went on to continue living in the same place he had lived for years, he continued to go out with the cashier girl from Ralph's but it didn't work out, instead Maude came back and decided to try out a real relationship with him.
As a present from Geoff and Maude, she gave The Dude the rug that Maude gave her mother as a memento. It turned out to be the same rug that she had hit him over the head for and had taken back before Geoff was born.
The room couldn't have been tied together any better.
Oh... And The Dude finally got his new stash from Maude, it was good stuff!
Geoff went on to public school, this time by her wishes, and turned it upside down.
She then got bored with it and decided to go traveling around the world to find her inner peace and learn the ways that her ancestors did.
She learned the ways of true magick and eventually became a powerful Mystic. She then was able to eradicate the curse placed on her family using the anti-curse magick she had learned.
Walter had to leave his security job, as Geoff had pulled strings with her mother to put him into the war in Afghanistan as a solider to shut him up about his rants about being in Nam. His army buddies were told that he wasn't old, just really ugly.
Walter surprisingly did very well and won the purple heart for risking his life for one of the friends he had made who had been held captive.
As soon as he was seen as a war hero, Bunny came crawling back to him hoping to get into his good graces. Walter denied her and then pulled his own strings to have her put in the army too.
Maurice finally got his dog Rex back from his ex, with the help of the Lebowski family of course.
He went on to joining The Dude's team to replace Walter. Just the two of them alone wiped out the chances of anyone getting first place besides them.
Jesus Quintana was fired from his job as a bus driver because of the incident at the bowling alley. He then however got a job as the school gym coach for his sports know-how.
Maude, Leopold and Val continued to run the estate and kept their seats. Val had been given a seat for her hard work over the years. The Lebowski family continued to flourish.
They all continued to watch Geoff using their satellites making sure she was okay. Once Geoff found out about it she used her magick so she would no longer be seen by them. Maude threw a fit.
Knox Harrington and Neune became a couple, a strange mis-matched couple that turned surprisingly out very well. They now live together in the bungalow. As a favor for Knox, Maude ordered a robotic toe that attached to the nerve endings of Neune's foot, she was then a ten toed woman again!
This is currently our First Draft...some of it is good and some...well lets just say some of it could use a little work...and with some editing will hopefully make it all good!
In the mean time, if you have any comments or suggestions please leave them on the feed back thread.
http://dudeism.com/smf/index.php?topic=1366.30
Thanks dudes!
Hey you guys got some press! http://superofficialnews.com/announced-the-big-lebowski-2-the-dude-goes-to-washington/#comment-686
Now that all the "writing" is pretty much over and all the chapters run together I see no reason to keep this post locked.
I think many of our guests who are reading this do not know there is/was a separate topic for replies.
We are now Open for comment! 8)