Holding on to Anger - Holding on to a hot coal

[Jianblade]

Heya Dudes,

The Buddha once said that holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal with the intention of throwing it at someone, in the end, all you do is burn yourself.

One of my biggest struggles in my life is dealing with my anger. I have the really bad habit of whenever I get angry, instead of letting it go, I hold on to it and let it fester and grow inside of me. I let anger become a toxin that destroys my cultivated coolness. I find myself sometimes holding on things that made me angry years ago, and getting worked up over them all over again. Even worse, sometimes I'll go out and look for things to be angry about, I'll find little things in my relationships and interactions with other people to become upset about or get worked up over things that are outside of my control. Even sicker, I'll almost get a sado-masochistic joy in being angry at someone or something

All I can say is this, holding on to anger destroys inner peace and makes it impossible to be Dude. Anger is the poison that destroys compassion and joy. In my experience, the only antidote for anger is humility.

In the name of The Stranger, The Jesus and The Dude, I confess my sins

[Rev. PikaSonic]

I know exactly what you mean man. And I suffer from Anxiety and Depression and that makes it worse. All I can say for myself and anyone going through this is to just keep trying to abide. We'll get to Dudely nirvana someday.

[Brother D]

What's the source, dude?

Some other wise dude said something like"what we dislike in others, is a reflection of ourselves"

In my experience, whatever I get stressed about, usually doesn't warrant my reaction. Nothing is as fucked as they appear.

[LotsaBadKarma]

First off I don't want to imply that I am a regular practitioner of the following mindset. This is difficult shit for me because I am so self-absorbed and I get attached to shit very easily.
I recently had some extended family come from out of town to visit for a week. I had been holding on to a resentment against these people because of some old shit that happened maybe 8 years ago. I had an expectation that they would make amends for the original incident and as the week went by there were no amends offered. I told myself I was the bigger person because what happened originally was their doing and the further we got into the week the more tense I got. And then I had an unexplained moment of clarity.
I realized that all of my tension and my anger and my resentment was due to the fact that I had an expectation that was not met. When this hit me I happened to be in a state of mind to accept it and to see that my expectation was what was causing the problems that were going on in my head. Years ago when I was in AA I heard someone say that expectations are premeditated resentments and I realized that I was being the living proof of that.
So I don't know what the core issues are with the kind folks who have responded before me in this thread but when I read what has been written here it seemed appropriate to share my experience.

[RandoRock]

Unfortunately I think anger is one of the burdens that weighs everyone down at some point. I struggle with my inner Walter from time to time but for me the key is to recognize when I am doing it. If I can take that moment and identify when I am being a Walter then it is much easier for me to relax and let things go, I guess it's like me calling myself out on my own bullshit. I used to be really bad at hanging on to things but ever since I've been identifying when I'm acting a fool and giving myself those "nothing is fucked here, man" pep talks I have really been able to let things go. Sure I still that initial anger reaction but now I can calm myself down almost just as fast.

[EasyMax]

I find myself sometimes holding on things that made me angry years ago, and getting worked up over them all over again. Even worse, sometimes I'll go out and look for things to be angry about, I'll find little things in my relationships and interactions with other people to become upset about or get worked up over things that are outside of my control. Even sicker, I'll almost get a sado-masochistic joy in being angry at someone or something

A wise man I had the luck to cross path with, showed me that whenever things like these happen, it's very easily due to unhealthy or wrong communication. One of the worst things one can do to himself and the people around, is to keep from saying things when they matter, for any reason; hence comes frustration, incomprehension, resentment, anger, even hate.
This doesn't mean we should always tell everybody how we feel about everything, but there are things that has to be said in order to let yourself express, to be true.
Goes without saying that how you say things has its own importance. Some truths hurt, which is the most common reason why we keep from saying them. Still, one should find a good enough way to bring them out, in my opinion.
Now, this is just half of the thing, because what really makes one feel expressed isn't just throwing out some information; the key brick is to know people do understand you, but we can't just expect or demand people to understand us. They usually try to, as much as they are able. Sometimes they just can't, we all have our limits.
When it comes to this, all is left to do is to accept the things as they are and let go, maybe find a way to relate better or come up with something. The confession in Christianity is all about this: telling things to someone that will truly listen, and understand without judgement.
The wise man also taught me how "what we dislike in others, is a reflection of ourselves", to quote Brother D. Sometimes you may be able to spot in others things you hate about yourself, and it's usually rather easy to check if you're prone to analysis.
Also LotsaBadKarma spoke some real truth. A few years ago I had a moment of clarity too, to me expectation is the death of acceptance, which is something very useful to move on.