This is Not Dude! Wanting to Die.

[cckeiser]

I had a good day....not a great day, but I did get to enjoy 4 cups of very high quality coffee and made them last most of the day. Drank the first cup pretty much right down, but sipped the rest so it would last. I learned my lesson from Sunday when I o.d. on caffeine and got shitfaced at the same time on Kahlua when I brewed up 2 cups of strong espresso and mixed in a cup of homemade coffee liqueur. Had the dt's and a hangover yesterday! Lesson learned!
I ate very tasty food today and been snacking on big black grapes and big red/yellow Washington cherries. Looks like the Washington cherries are coming  to peak as they are about as big as a Bing cherries now.
It's getting a little on the late side so I guess we will wait till tomorrow to dig into the kiwi and apricots Sue picked up today. I cannot believe it took me This long to eat a kiwi!...love them.

But I think I need to write about trying to die now.

I had a good day....much better than most the days this year....especially early this year when I was grasping for breath and did not know if I was going to suffocate right then and there. I took the panic meds they gave me...and it brought me around for the most part, but my lung was so full of fluid it was hard to catch a full breath. All I wanted to do is die...go to sleep and not wake up. That is all I still want.

After figuring out the only purpose to life was to live it, now I'm headed back 180 degrees to try and figure out how to end it. I have no strength, I cannot bowl, I can hardly walk on my own and right now I do not feel safe by myself. If Sue is not here I try not to move about and stay in one place. Right now I Know if I should fall I will not be able to get myself up. I hate this and I really hate that the chemo has me this low. I am really trying to remain "up" but then I start coughing and the fluids kick up...and I gasp for air. I do not want to die gasping for air. I want to be able to decide and control my own passing. I want the option to go in my sleep without pain or suffering.
So now after going on 68 years of living and searching and finding the purpose of life...now all I want to do is to find how to not live. I beginning to think trying to find out how to get out just may be harder?
When you are in poor health with really no purpose to live anymore, and all the future holds is more pain and suffering...and knowing you are going to be a burden on others....all you really want is a safe and painless exit.

I know there Must be people in the medical field who have the answers...they know the right route to follow, and the right people to talk to....or just the right things to say to someone at the E.R./ICU. They are out there...and real close by. I just need to find them and ask the right question.
Will you Please help me die?....Please!

Please do not feel like you need to reply here. I do not need cheering up....I do not need Dudely advice. I am carrying on the best I can with a little help from meds my doc scripted, but it's obviously not enough....the meds are hardly cutting it.
I'm scheduled for Oasis sessions later this month....maybe they will help, but unless they can cure this cancer so I can breath without gasping for breath....I see not reason to continue living and I do not want to die in pain gasping for air.
All I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up again. If given the chance...I would do it right now without giving it a second thought.

I just needed to rant a bit and get it off my chest.

I am going to get my lung tapped of fluid on Thursday...I hope that will help some. I will have a talk with the doc then and find out if he can help me any....I bet the nurses could...they Know everything!

Until then...Just like take er easy....abide, and Please do not be a Dick!

[LotsaBadKarma]

CC, although I know you only through your posts and you don't know me I have to say that your post is the most honest goddamn thing I have ever read in a forum or anywhere else for that matter.
I don't know about anyone else but I feel honored to have been able to read what you have disclosed. I honestly don't know what path to advise you to follow with regard to your suffering but I understand what you are asking. I hope that you are able to find an answer soon.
Good luck to you, brother. Thank you most sincerely for your post.

[cckeiser]

CC, although I know you only through your posts and you don't know me I have to say that your post is the most honest goddamn thing I have ever read in a forum or anywhere else for that matter.
I don't know about anyone else but I feel honored to have been able to read what you have disclosed. I honestly don't know what path to advise you to follow with regard to your suffering but I understand what you are asking. I hope that you are able to find an answer soon.
Good luck to you, brother. Thank you most sincerely for your post.

Thank you dude.
But now to try and adhere to my new Dudeism forum philosophy I need to go back and try to find the Tao/Dudeism/Abideism in what I wrote.

So far about all I can find is that even on dieing we can try to Abide.
Even more so in this short post is that if we do not panic and try to just like take it easy we can use Taoism to help find our way through....Don't be a dick about it and talk with people who may be in the know and just maybe able to help us find what we need. It may not be exactly what we want, but it just may turn out to be what we really needed.

There is Tao in all things....we just need to keep our heads and every so often drop in to see what our condition is in.

I'm just sitting here enjoying my coffee dudes....enjoying my coffee!

[BikerDude]

Are you sure you are not actually Loy?

[jgiffin]

Fuck me, man. I ain't got the answers and won't bother with the platitudes but think you nailed it with, "I'm just sitting here enjoying my coffee dudes....enjoying my coffee!"

[Hominid]

Are you sure you are not actually Loy?

Who is Loy?

[cckeiser]

Are you sure you are not actually Loy?

OUCH! That hurt!
No cckeiser (c.c.keiser where I can use periods) is the only name I use here....or anywhere else any more. I use to use just my initials (cck) on another board, but more I wrote about I figured I wanted make sure I took responsibility for it....either good or bad.
Very early on...~1996 type of early...I discovered I tended to act up just a little too much when using an invisible name.
There would be a whole lot less acting up and behaving badly if everyone used their real names.
Just like my opinion dude.

[jgiffin]

Very early on...~1996 type of early...I discovered I tended to act up just a little too much when using an invisible name.
There would be a whole lot less acting up and behaving badly if everyone used their real names.

Precisely, dude. That's why I stopped telling chicks I was Engelbert Humperdinck when trying to pick them up.

[meekon5]

Very early on...~1996 type of early...I discovered I tended to act up just a little too much when using an invisible name.
There would be a whole lot less acting up and behaving badly if everyone used their real names.

Precisely, dude. That's why I stopped telling chicks I was Engelbert Humperdinck when trying to pick them up.

I actually use meekon5 because my real name is very common and this nom-de-web distinguishes all my original ranting.

If I google "Simon Kennedy" I get "About 48,300,000 results (0.31 seconds)", most of which are nothing to do with me.

I get sixty profiles on LinkedIn alone for my name.

but google "meekon5" I get "About 14,500 results (0.31 seconds)" admittedly not as many hits but guaranteed to be mine though (mostly disjointed ranting).

[CassandraEffect_Dude]

Do not be a dick! I'll take that advice.