The Stranger the Grievance

[Rev. Ed C]

I've been told a few times that I'm quite a master of Dudejitsu, deflecting the slings and arrows of my fellow man, but I'm not immune to all words.  A bit of personal reflection on the times when the art has failed me has made me think it might be an interesting topic to cover.

Now, the main correlation in how affected I am by the actions of other is how much personal feeling I have invested in the other person.  The old addage about we only hurt the ones we love is damned true.  I myself find that I don't much flicker when most people fan my flame, but my other half can burn me up a storm.  It's down to that deep emotional investment, how much we care and connect with the other person that can cause such flashes of pathos.

So, the more of a stranger they are, the less of a grievance it should turn out to be, if you don't let them red-rag your inner bull first, which can esily happen if they blindside you, as some of these people often do 

Although I do espouse making connections to your fellow man and feeling a mutual love of all other people, when it comes to self-defence you need to be able to drop that bridge and shrug off the feelings a little.  A little emotional detachment works wonders on a stranger pissing on your rug.

It's case of realising that you don't need to get angry at people who are angry at you.  They don't know you, so if they're angry it's probably not for a valid reason.  It's not a dig at your heart, it's a dig at the illusory shell they see around you.  In the end, they are the ones with the problem and they're trying to foist it off onto you.

This is where you have to be canny and employ a bit of empathy, whilst still remaining detached, and work on the source of the anger.  Sympathising with people can often be a great way to disarm them.  They expect that they're in the middle of a war that they believe you started (quite often) and they're defending themselves from a barrage that, thanks to Dudejitsu, won't come.  What happens when you're screaming and brandishing weapons in the face on an oncoming enemy and a flock of peaceful sheep come over the horizon?  You double take and the grievance subsides.

That's what you're doing by not fighting back.  You disarm them, because they should realise you're not an oncoming horde of pillaging barbarians, you're a fluffy white sheep, just out for a bit of mid-afternoon grazing.

Now, this is a simplified scenario and whatnot, but this is a forum, so, I'm expecting a bit of evolution of the topic, before I start waffling and rambling too much...

[Busmum]

and if the sheep look like this...?

[Rev. Ed C]

Well now, that's a plum-dilly of a pickle.  The true Dudejitsu master comes not bearing arms (strap-on or otherwise).  If you walk over a hillock dressed like that (ie, if you don't roll out naked), you're gonna get shot at.

Disarm the agressor by bearin no arms yourself.  Your lack of ill-will should go some way to lessening their ill-will towards you.

Smile, and the whole world smiles with you
Smile, and the raging arseholes might stop grimacing at you so hard

[Busmum]

we should probably clarify as well that we are referring to individual one on one situations, yes? as opposed to attempting to broadly apply it to countries and govts., or alien invasions and such, i mean. or drunken pub brawls.

[Rev. Ed C]

we should probably clarify as well that we are referring to individual one on one situations, yes? as opposed to attempting to broadly apply it to countries and govts., or alien invasions and such, i mean. or drunken pub brawls.

Yeah, I'm referring to one on one issues, I'm not really one for getting involved in group problems, but I am usually the peacemaker.  The calming voice of reason who can remove himself from the fraying tempers and take the logical view.  I did calm one issue in a pub with essentially a message of "fuck it" and diverting the attention of the aggrieved with jokes and misdirection until they forget about the slight insult a drunk had tossed their way at the bar.

The same sort of principal should apply in those situations, but, international diplomacy... that's a big one for Dudejitsu to take on.  Maybe if Cameron and Obama are reading this...

[Caesar dude]

Maybe if Cameron and Obama are reading this...

Probably a couple of the most undude dudes in the world. Anyone who aspires to be a politician should in my book be barred from ever being one.

But hey that's just my opinion dudes.

Peace.

[Busmum]

you know... now that i think about it... i generally get along with my fellow humans in the real world... but the workplace, i think, requires a slightly different bit of maneuvering when it comes to deflecting the slings and arrows.  in a lot of ways, an office is like 'nam, and there are no rules except kill or be killed... where i work, anyway.

i went in unarmed, and it was very nearly my undoing-- for the better part of 2 years, i've been under attack by a most heinous creature... there are many examples (like how she deliberately showed me how to do things wrongly, then told the supervisor that i wasn't smart enough to do the job), but her latest tactic is to hum and whistle so loudly all day long, that the people i'm on the phone with will often ask, "do you have cats in your office?"  here is the song she plays over and over:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duUwIa-ytls

her part starts around 1:30   

i have to physically remind myself to unfold from the fetal cringe position... and breathe and tell myself to abide... there is no talking to this person, or the office heirarchy... so it's a policy of ignoring, really, as there is no middle ground for communication.

oh, and she farts all day long. thunderboxes (portable WC's) smell better. 

[Rev. Ed C]

Ceaser - Never a truer word spoken, my friend

As a wiser politician that most said:

"Men of power have not time to read; yet men who do not read are unfit for power"

Busmum - Yeah, work is a different beast.  I'm having some issues myself.  I think the problem is that your colleagues are in a hazy grey zone in the chart.

That is to say.  Strangers should not care about other strangers to such a degree, as they don't really know them.  Loved ones, such as friends and family, can sometimes hurt because they know you more, and so it's truly personal, but they care and you care, so you can forgive them easier.

Work colleagues, well, they know you enough to make it a genuine connection, but you're usually not attached them them in any great emotional way... so they're like a stranger who has the weapons your loved ones do.  A dangerous monster indeed!

This is where the more sturdy, less peaceable branch of Dudejitsu would apply, where you're using non-aggressive, yet firm defenses.  Essentially instead of saying, like you would to a stranger (not literally, but you know what I mean) "Chill, man, I am no threat to you, let's go get a brew" (AKA the "let's go bowling")... to the work colleague you need to imply more of a "listen, whoever you think you are, you're not going to push me around, so don't bother.  You're not going to rile me, but nor are you going to make me cry uncle" stance (AKA the "fuck it").

With strangers, it's usually a misplaced grievance, some beef they have with the world at large, that you get stuck in the middle of.  Easy to diffuse if you have the will to soften the whole thing up.

With colleagues, its territory.  You're thrown together with people who don't think and act like you, to work cooperatively.  It's a challenge, every single day, and most of us lose.  The gods know I have, all the time.  You just need to remember the golden rule of not taking it home with you, because the issues of the workplace do not man jack shit outside, even if they're still weighing on you.  I've not mastered this myself, but I'm getting there

Sometimes peace offerings work well.  Or, as I did the other month, offer a morale boost by buying a biscuit barrel and filling it with cheap biscuits and cookies for a few weeks.  Went down well, but no one else bothered to refill it and take part in the communal act of sharing and caring.  So, my colleagues are all take and no give... fuck it, what was I really expecting?  If it made them a little happier and a little less stressed, it worked enough to make a difference on my working environment, so it was a success, even if as a social experiment, it failed

That's a snippet of the simplified version of the complex issue of work :/

I'm sure we can come together to flesh that out a bit more, but, alas... I'm rambling again!

[Dirty Hippie]

Dude, did your name just change? I need more coffee...

[Rev. Ed C]

Sorry about that, DH... we've been having an issue with titles, and a few of us are cutting out the Rev from our names, just so's some of us aren;t seemingly too offical on the forums.  Hey, I think i just disarmed myself, as per this thread!

[hannahdude]

good thread, dudes, and between just finishing the chapter on this very subject in TAG and reading your thoughts i am feeling very empowered.
of course i do feel a certain walter-like reactionary response to busmoms adversary for there is no reason, there is no fucking reason this woman should be troubling the dude that is busmom and i suddenly want to key that bitches car..... yet, as always i am going to feel my feelings, not judge them, not act on them and abidingly let them flow down that stream. (but dude, this is why i dont work in an office anymore, there's a lot of that unchecked workplace aggression floating around behind seemingly friendly smiles. my heart goes out to you on this one. i wiped my ass with the last important document in my office 10 years ago and have never been that un-dude since.)
thanks for the inspiration, i've got lots to ponder now and need the limbering of my mind so this is great fodder.

[meekon5]

Maybe if Cameron and Obama are reading this...

Don't be silly, what would the point of the CIA and MI5 listening stations if Cameron and Obama had to actually listen and read stuff personally?

Why have a dog an howl yourself?

[Rev. Ed C]

Maybe if Cameron and Obama are reading this...

Don't be silly, what would the point of the CIA and MI5 listening stations if Cameron and Obama had to actually listen and read stuff personally?

Why have a dog an howl yourself?

You've obviously never heard of zero-expectation wishful thinking then?  Like... Maybe one day they'll find a way to resurrect Ollie Reed and we can go out drinking.  I'd love it to happen, but I believe it will never happen.

As for howling yourself, I'm sure Cameron knows how to howl at a vagina, I mean, he's an Etonian for gods' sakes.  If the Bullingdon Club can smash up historic buildings and break bone china crockery, what happens when the waitress arrives to offer them the bill for the damages?

And he says rioters are feral monsters???

[Caesar dude]

Zero expectation wishful thinking? That's my life in four fucking words. You're a fucking genius mate!

Peace (and a bit of depression)

[Hominid]

Zero expectation wishful thinking... isn't that an oxymoron?

My workplace used to also have reactionaries who would get under my skin, and to just say "fuck it" was not good posturing... and that's because it's a fucking jungle. Eat or be eaten. That's when the closest thing to being a dude is being a warrior-sage; someone who knows how to "win" without being an aggressor, one who knows how to firmly say "Fuck you, you're not getting your childish way" with all the love he can muster...  I'm sure others can relate.