The Dude

De Ching

Standard Edition

A Dudeist Holy Book inspired by

The Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu &

The Big Lebowski of Joel and Ethan Coen

By Oliver Benjamin

THE DUDELY LAMA OF DUDEISM

Expanded, annotated edition available here:

www.dudeism.com/thedudedeching

ABIDE UNIVERSITY PRESS

The Church of the Latter-Day Dude

www.dudeism.com

For more to read and enjoy,

please visit the Dudeism library at

www.dudeism.com/library

For more about Oliver Benjamin’s version of

The Tao Te Ching, please visit

www.daoism.org

© 2016 by Oliver Benjamin

All rights reserved.

Published by:

Abide University Press / Dudeism, LLC

www.dudeism.com

Email: ddc@dudeism.com

IMPORTANT NOTE TO READERS: This book is an independent and unauthorized fan publication. No endorsement or sponsorship by or affiliation with Joel and Ethan Coen, Jeff Bridges, Gramercy Pictures, or any other copyright and trademark holders is claimed or suggested. All references in this book to copyrighted or trademarked characters and other elements of The Big Lebowski are for the purpose of commentary, criticism, analysis, and literary discussion only.

Home page for this book: www.dudeism.com/thedudedeching

Note: an annotated edition of this book is available with 81 essays that help explain each verse. More information can be found here:

www.dudeism.com/thedudedeching

Preface

By the Dudely Lama, Oliver Benjamin

After the Christian Bible, the Tao Te Ching is the most widely-translated book in the world. But that’s only part of the story: There are no fewer than 100 translations in English alone.

This is because this Taoist holy book was written in such a poetic Chinese idiom that no one can say for certain what it means. As a wiser fella than ourselves once said: “Sometimes you read the book, and sometimes the book, well, it reads you.” The Tao Te Ching is that sort of book. Even though it was written well over 2000 years ago, it is still very much relevant today.

While there are many books which have given rise to religions, few movies have managed to pull off such a feat. The Coen brothers 1998 film The Big Lebowski is one of them, having inspired Dudeism, a religion with about 400,000 ordained Dudeist priests all over the world as of 2016. However, since Dudeism is also basically a modernized form of Taoism, it is equally inspired by the Tao Te Ching.

In order to illustrate the far-out connection between The Big Lebowski and Taoism, we’ve produced this unique re-interpretation of the Tao Te Ching. In it, each verse of the Tao is reworked using material from The Big Lebowski, often to amusing-but-illuminating effect. To help illustrate the correspondence, we’ve provided our own original translation of the Tao Te Ching after each verse of the Dude De Ching.

This is the result: A book of levity and brevity which helps identify Dudeism as a modern incarnation of Taoism. We hope you dig its style.

Dudeism abides,

REV. OLIVER BENJAMIN

The Dudely Lama of The Church of the Latter-Day Dude

www.dudeism.com

Inner-duction

By the Arch-Dudeship, Dwayne Eutsey

In Dudeism’s “Take It Easy Manifesto,” we pose questions that fellas wiser than ourselves have contemplated across the sands of time:

What makes a religion? Is it being prepared to do the right thing, whatever the cost? Isn’t that what makes a religion? Or is it that along with a pair of testaments?

As for definite answers to these timeless queries, well, Dudes, we just don’t know. There are just too many theological ins and outs and ecclesiastical strands to keep in our heads, man. Besides, we smoked a lot of Thai stick back in seminary, so, truth is, we don’t remember a lot from our world religions class.

One thing we can say for certain, though: Most religions have a sacred book, a pile of holy writ that most adherents believe is the uncompromised first draft direct from God or what-have-you that really ties the cosmos together, wraps ‘er all up. For instance, Jews have the Torah, in addition to 3,000 years of beautiful tradition from Moses to Sandy Koufax; Christians have Gospels that tell the miraculous story of how the Jesus rolled; and the fanatical cult of loaded reactionaries, well, they have The Wall Street Journal.

Scriptures, epistles, laws, prophecies, psalms, commandments, stock market analyses. So many learned men and women throughout the ages have disputed what they all mean, it can be quite stupefying. Even the religions that are some kind of Eastern thing—like Hinduism and Buddhism—have produced endless reams of Vedas and Sutras and rituals and chants and whatnot.

One exception to the whole divine-revelation-through-written-word thing, however, is Taoism. According to religious scholar Huston Smith, Taoism has only one basic text, the Tao Te Ching (or, in English, The Way and Its Power), a slim volume that, as Smith says, can be read in half an hour or a lifetime. Legend has it that a Chinaman by the name of Lao Tzu one day said “Fuck it” (loosely translated from the Chinese), hopped on a water buffalo (possibly with rust coloration), and started heading a-way out west to Tibet.

On his way out, someone stopped Lao Tzu and asked if he would write down the tenets of his ethos before leaving town. Being a lazy man, Lao Tzu lodged his water buffalo against an abutment long enough to write the Tao Te Ching’s 81 short verses. When finished, he kicked his water buffalo into gear and, tossing his ringer to the man, rode off into the misty horizon of legend and myth.

Regardless of whether the legend is true, or whether Lao Tzu even really existed, the Chinaman is not the issue here, Dudes. The issue is that the Tao Te Ching is the perfect expression of Taoism’s wu wei of life, or in the parlance of Huston Smith, a life of creative quietude in which “the conscious mind must relax, stop standing in its own light, let go” so that it can flow with the Tao (or Way) of the universe.

Dudeism has a lot in common with Taoism, of course, being its philosophical compeer. Taoists, for example, revere the fella I’ve innerduced by the name of Lao Tzu (literally “The Old Boy,” not something most folks where I come from would self-apply); we have “The Dude.” Lao Tzu rejected uptight Chinese imperial society and rode off to the mountains of Tibet, while the Dude rejected uptight American imperial society and became a roadie with Metallica. Lastly and most importantly, Dudeists share Taoism’s wu wei ethos of just taking it easy, man, and rolling with the cosmic flow.

Although Dudeists have The Big Lebowski (a film you can watch in a couple hours or over a lifetime), Dudeism has lacked the equivalent of our very own Tao Te Ching…until now.

You have your way of understanding a story and I have mine, but I think the best way to read these here verses we’re about to unfold is to slow down, kick back, fire up a J or sip a Caucasian, and deliberately savor these stanzas as casually as possible. This ain’t no spiritual In-N-Out Burger, Dudes. The Dude De Ching is just right for pondering as you soak in a tub surrounded by lit candles or when you lie on the rug that really ties your room together, digging some Dylan tunes or the clatter of your favorite bowling tournament.

After reading The Dude De Ching, you may say far out, man, I dig your style, or you may wonder what in God’s holy name we’re blathering about. Either way, it don’t matter to the Dudeist. We can’t be worried about that shit. Life is complicated and all too short and we’re not interested in wasting it on dead doctrinal debates or stale ideological disputes. As one apocryphal Dudeist verse puts it:

The wind passeth over the flower of our days,

Blowing ashes from a Folger’s can back onto our faces,

And it is gone.

The whole concept abates.

But life goes on, man.

The Dude abides. Nothing changes.

We take comfort in that.

Aw, hell. I done innerduced this book enough. Let’s go bowling, Dudes.

Abidingly,

REV. DWAYNE EUTSEY

The Arch Dudeship of The Church of the Latter-Day Dude

P.S. To our knowledge, no water buffalo were harmed in the making of The Dude De Ching.

Arch-Dudeship Dwayne’s Take it Easy Manifesto can be enjoyed at: www.dudeism.com/takeiteasymanifesto

Additional notes from the author

History

The Dude De Ching was originally published in 2010 but has gone through several permutations.

In early 2016, it was completely re-written, illustrated and provided with an entirely new accompanying translation of the Tao Te Ching.

In late 2016, a “New Annotated Edition” was released, featuring 81 explanatory essays, one for each verse.

Other versions

Information about the newest, annotated edition of this book can be found at www.dudeism.com/ddc. The free, unannotated edition you are reading now can also be downloaded from that page. If you enjoy it, please share the link with your friends.

A version of this book without Big Lebowski references is also available for those who aren’t particularly into the movie or Dudeism, but are interested to learn more about Taoism. More information about that book, simply titled The Tao Te Ching, can be found here: www.daoism.org.

A note on genders

Though the term “dude” originated as a term to describe a certain type of male, and then later to refer to men in general, today it is often used to refer to both genders, at least in certain parts of the United States. Dudeism doesn’t recognize “dude” as a gender-specific word. We consider both women and men who exhibit dude-like qualities to be “dudes,” and assert that the word “dude” can mean many different things depending on the context. Additionally, we occasionally use male pronouns in this book to signify human beings in general, rather than resorting to awkward grammatical constructions like “he or she.”

Well, I hope you folks enjoy yourselves.

The Verses

1

Dudeness that can be blathered about is very undude.

Names we self-apply to things are only handles for what abides.

A tumbling of tumbleweeds is all that’s really out there.

The rug is a fabrication which ties our ruminations together.

Our thinking about this must not be uptight,

Or we will enter a world of pain.

Investigating complicated cases

Allows us to better understand the world.

The world is stupefying, but it’s far fucking out.

Am I wrong? Okay, then.

The Dude digs the style of the Stranger,

And the Stranger, the style of the Dude.

They differ only in their beverages.

The Tao helps make sense of the whole durn human comedy.

It is a Theory of Everything.

I can get you a TOE—

There are Ways, Dude.

Tao Te Ching: 1

The Tao that can be discussed is not really the Tao.

Things in the world are only temporary reflections of Tao.

The flow of Tao is all that really exists.

Our language and beliefs and categories

Are only fabrications which help us make sense of its flow.

In order to understand this, one has to first learn how to relax,

In order to experience this, one has to first learn how to unlearn.

The world is made of and by Tao,

And Tao is evidenced by the workings of the world.

Tao and the world may seem separate

But that is only because we are hardwired to see it that way.

To operate in greater harmony with the world,

We must begin to internalize this way and its perspective.

2

When a life of achievement is considered best,

They won’t approve of your lifestyle.

When good men and thorough are thoroughly trusted,

Shorts can be slid down with impunity.

Amateurs and achievers are two poles of manhood,

Businessmen and bums both have two pairs of testicles,

Complex and simple get down to cases,

Fair and foul are both over the line,

Strikes and gutters are results of the roll,

Reactionaries and pacifists are both concerned about basic freedoms,

Ups and downs are a dance in the cycle.

So the Stranger controls without authority,

And teaches without cuss words.

He lets all things take ’er easy,

Watches the semifinals, but does not interfere,

Drinks sarsaparilla without seeking something stronger,

And takes comfort where he can.

Tao Te Ching: 2

Once beauty is identified as precious,

Ugliness is seen everywhere.

Once the good is held up as an ideal,

The commonplace is considered bad.

Difficult and easy,

Long and short,

High and Low,

Sound and Silence,

Before and After—

Each of them are complementary parts of a bigger unity,

But our conditioned minds don’t perceive it that way.

We drive each aspect as far apart as possible from its complement,

And increasingly obsess over their division.

Therefore, the sage acts without struggle or coercion

And teaches by example and allusion rather than rote and rule.

Things come and he welcomes them.

Things go and he bids them adieu.

He helps with no expectation of gain,

Works with no expectation of reward,

Performs with no anticipation of results,

Completes projects but takes no credit.

Since he takes nothing from the World,

The World takes nothing from him.

And his impact upon the World long endures.

3

Not achieving prevents besting competitors,

Not trying to scam anyone prevents taking any rug in the house,

Not flaunting beauty prevents thousand-dollar blowjobs.

This is not ‘Nam, this is bowling.

There are rules.

So the Stranger inspires the Dude by:

Digging his style,

Listening to his story,

Telling him to take ’er easy,

And boosting his morale before the finals.

If people aren’t privy to the new shit that has come to light,

Cowards among them will threaten castration;

If no action is taken,

There will only be pee-stains on the rug.

Tao Te Ching: 3

Exalting our superiors invites competition.

Treasuring things that are difficult to obtain encourages theft.

Flaunting objects of desire gives rise to jealousy.

So the sage rules by:

Relaxing the people’s hearts,

Satisfying their needs,

Lessening their wants,

And strengthening their character.

Once he has shown people how to live without craftiness and envy,

Cunning interlopers cannot take advantage of nor trick them.

Living without objective allows us to live in harmony with nature.

4

The Dude’s glass may be empty,

But he knows it will soon be refilled.

Necessary means are unnecessary.

He takes comfort in that.

Let me tell you something about The Dude:

Even though his career has slowed down a little,

He would never dream of taking your bullshit money.

Even if there are a lot of strands in his head,

He will help you conceive.

Even if he had a rough day,

He’ll be there man.

Even if he loses a million dollars—

Can’t be worried about that shit. Life goes on.

If you dig his style, he will dig yours.

He takes ’er easy for all us sinners out there.

His mind is limber, and he fits right in there.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I lost my train of thought here.

Tao Te Ching: 4

Tao is an empty vessel

Yet everything comes from it.

Though utterly fathomless,

It gives rise to everything we perceive

It smooths sharp edges,

It unties the knots,

It softens the glare,

And settles the dirt of daily life.

Profoundly patient,

It seems to have been around forever.

No one knows where it came from.

This is because it preceded the world of forms.

5

Nihilists are unsentimental,

They believe in nossing.

The Stranger is also unsentimental,

He drifts where the wind catches him.

Nihilists are like a bellows—

Empty, yet full of hot air.

The more they threaten, the more cowardly they seem.

The Stranger also rambles and loses his train of thought,

But tells a purty good story—

There’s a literal connection.

It affects all of us, dude.

There is no bottom.

Tao Te Ching: 5

Nature is unsentimental—

It treats the living no different than it treats debris.

Sages are the same: They evaluate everyone impartially.

Nature is like a bellows—

It is empty and yet everything springs from it.

The more pressure put on it, the more it creates.

Man is not like this—

The more he produces, the more exhausted he becomes.

To tap into the Tao, the sage instead turns inward.

There he finds its calm and creative source

At the very center of his being.

6

After the cable is fixed, Bunny feeds the monkey.

Strongly vaginal, she needs no commendation.

Marvelous woman. Very free-spirited.

The Dude still jerks off manually.

Few bones or clams are found in his cash machine.

Tao Te Ching: 6

The fountain of life which never ceases to flow

Can be thought of as a mysterious sort of womb.

The entrance to this profound mother is the origin of the world.

Her presence stretches in all directions, across all time and space.

She seems to give birth without exerting the slightest effort.

7

Why is bowling eternal?

Because it rolls in cycles.

Similarly, because he has no ends,

The Dude never fails to achieve.

The Dude takes it easy,

And so brother shamuses dig his work.

He says, “ah, fuck it”

And thus nothing is fucked.

Because he is a pacifist,

No harm is visited tenfold upon his head.

Because he does not put himself over the line,

He does not enter a world of pain.

It is only because he gives a shit about the fucking TOE,

That no one’s going to cut his dick off.

Tao Te Ching: 7

Why is Nature eternal and enduring?

Because it does not have any ends.

Because it lacks any goals,

Nature can never fail to succeed.

Understanding this,

The sage also refuses to contend or compete.

By placing himself in the back,

He soon finds himself out in front.

Because he doesn’t have any expectations,

He doesn’t suffer any disappointments.

Thus, it is only because he lacks any self-interest

That his interests are fulfilled.

8

It is best to be like the Dude.

The Dude takes it easy, and is calmer than you are,

He hangs out in bowling alleys and other places

Where careers slow down a little.

So, be like the Dude:

Laying low, upon his rug,

Driving a car with rust coloration,

Helping his lady friend conceive,

Taking any rug in the house,

Patronizing the In-N-Out Burger on Camrose,

Digging your style too,

And ending this thing cheap.

In this way, life goes on,

And worry does not.

Tao Te Ching: 8

It is best to be like water

Water benefits all things,

Yet it does not contend, nor struggle to do so.

Water naturally goes places shunned by most people,

Therefore water is very similar to Tao.

Because it dwells even in low places, it is of benefit to all—

Even the unpopular and rejected.

Be like water:

Dwell low, close to the earth,

Penetrate deeply, and reflect serenely upon your environment,

Benefit and nourish all the things around you,

Communicate clearly and faithfully,

When taking charge, be appropriate,

When serving others, be able,

Do not rush nor tarry.

There is a unique time, rhythm and speed for every action.

The sage does not pit himself against Nature.

Therefore he never finds his path obstructed.

9

When a plan gets too complex, everything can go wrong.

Do you see what happens?

Draw a line in the sand, toes will slip over the line.

Put a million dollars in your car, perhaps they’ll tow it.

Roll your way into the semis, they’re gonna fuck you up.

Take any rug in the house, you’ll get a crack on the jaw.

Keep the fucking money, they’re gonna cut off your johnson.

Instead, say “Fuck it.”

That’s your answer for everything.

It is the way of the Dude.

Tao Te Ching: 9

Man is oriented toward excess,

But greed puts a strain on systems,

Destroying them.

An oversharpened blade will be broken

An overflowing vault will be vanquished

An overvalued ego will be brought down.

Do what is necessary, take what you need,

And then get out of the way.

This is the efficient way in which Nature operates.

10

Can you embrace both Maude and Bunny,

And see them as two sides of the same special lady?

This will help you get down to cases,

And prevent you from no longer digging them.

If you are perfectly calm,

You can be like a little Lebowski on the Way.

If you adhere to a strict drug regimen,

You will be able to keep your mind limber.

If you give a shit about that poor woman,

You will be rescued from being a fucking asshole.

As temptations fall burning into your lap,

Can you just take it easy, man?

As you are made privy to new shit that comes to light,

Can you retain the humility of a fucking amateur?

Both the Dude and the Stranger nurse their beverages

Without becoming addicted to them,

They bowl but do not expect to win,

And they ramble without becoming rambunctious.

People call this “being dude.”

It is an incarnation of Dudeness—

It comes to light when you keep your mind limber.

Tao Te Ching: 10

Can you embrace both the abstract and the concrete,

And see them as two sides of the same oneness?

This will help you maintain integrity

And avoid internal contradiction.

Meditating upon, and subtilizing your inner energy

Allows you to become as pure and receptive as a newborn.

Examining your perceptions of the world

Allows you to cleanse them of all dust and distortion.

Identifying with the people over whom you have influence

Prevents being distracted by your own self-interest.

As temptations avail themselves to you

Can you remain steadfast as a mother bird in her nest?

As you grow wise and knowledgeable about many things,

Can you retain the modesty of an amateur?

Both the Tao and the sage nurture the people

Without assuming any ownership of them.

They act without expecting results,

And lead without controlling.

Human beings call this virtue.

It is the very embodiment of Tao—

Tao manifesting itself via the human heart.

11

A glass is made of crystal,

But it is the space at its center which lets it become a beverage.

A bowling ball is made of resin,

But it is the holes for your fingers which render it rollable.

A bungalow is made of plaster and plywood

But it is the open door which lets you inside.

Therefore, though it is stuff that people want,

It is space that people need.

Tao Te Ching: 11

A wheel is fashioned from spokes,

Yet it is the emptiness at its hub which allows it to function.

A bowl is molded from clay,

Yet it is the hollow at its center which allows it to be used.

A house is structured from timber and stone

Yet it is the empty space within which affords it its value.

Therefore, although presence provides property,

Empty space affords utility.

12

Too much Kahlua blunts the vodka

Too much vodka dilutes the milk

Too much milk dulls the beverage

Too much beverage maddens the mind,

Too much madness makes the whole world go fucking crazy!

A good burger provides for the belly, not for the head

In-N-Out, it pairs well with sarsaparilla.

Tao Te Ching: 12

Too much light blinds the eye,

Too much sound deafens the ear,

Too much spice blunts the taste,

Too much excitement maddens the mind,

Too much desire compromises the character.

That is why the sage puts his inner needs first,

By moderating the external distractions of the senses.

13

The Dude said:

“Can’t be worried about that shit. Life goes on.”

The Stranger likes his style because he’s the man for his time and place.

The Stranger said:

“Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear, well, he eats you.”

The Dude likes his style because he’s got a whole cowboy thing going on.

He who regards himself as part of the whole durn human comedy,

Is able to abide the world.

He who asks the bartender for another Caucasian

Is still racially pretty cool.

If you take the good with the bad,

Life does not stop and start inconveniently.

This affects all of us: The Royal We,

Down through the generations.

I’m rambling again.

Tao Te Ching: 13

The sages say:

“Both praise and blame induce anxiety, for honors are fleeting and fickle.”

We indulge our anxieties because they safeguard the self.

It seems that consternation may be a condition of consciousness.

However,

For those who regard themselves as a part of a much greater whole,

Praise and blame no longer elicit unease.

Undivided from environment,

They care about the world as much as they care about themselves.

This is why it is only those who see themselves as ordinary

Who may be fit to influence the world,

And only those immune to honor

Who may actually deserve it.

14

You can look, but it can’t be seen.

It is a worthy fucking adversary.

You can listen, but it can’t be heard.

It is a stonewalling little brat.

You can grasp, but it can’t be touched.

It floats away like a magic carpet.

There is no bottom, nor proper nomenclature,

All these ins and outs make it a very complicated case.

It is not dark, yet darkness warshes over,

It is not light, yet new shit comes to light:

It is fucking ingenious, yet cannot be understood correctly.

It draws lines in the sand, yet does not split hairs,

It throws out a ringer for a ringer, yet there is no handoff.

It has its story, you have yours, yet both are ludicrous.

Don’t live in the past,

Worry about what day it is,

Nor hope to make it to the finals.

In this way, the Dude abides,

As Dudeness has always abided.

Tao Te Ching: 14

You can look, but it cannot be seen.

You can listen, but it cannot be heard.

You can grasp, but it cannot be touched.

When something is incapable of being sensed or categorized or measured in this way,

It is because it is not a thing—

It is an undifferentiated field of potential.

It is neither light nor dark, high nor low, up nor down.

Rather, its process prefigures the very division of opposites,

And thus it is impossible to define.

It emerges only to vanish again and again.

We might consider it a formula for the unformed,

An illustration of the undefined,

An outline of ambiguity.

Don’t try to examine it directly,

You won’t make heads nor tails of it.

Rather, practice abiding the path of Tao in the here-and-now.

In doing this, you will share in its momentum,

An unimpeded unfolding

Which started back at the beginning of all things.

15

The Dudefathers were fellers so much smarter than ourselves,

That we are like children who wander in the middle of a movie.

Because we are out of our element, we can only dig their style:

Good and thorough, like a worthy fucking adversary,

Bright and flowering like the young men at Khe Sanh and Lan Doc,

Ingenious, like a Swiss fucking watch,

Dark, like a black steer’s tookus on a moonless prairie night,

Genuine, like Miller Genuine Draft,

Open, like the most modestly-priced receptacle,

Yet opaque, like a White Russian cocktail.

Those who can take ’er easy while dealing with real reactionaries,

And remain calm while goons micturate on their rug,

Are able to safeguard their basic freedoms.

So everything works out pretty good for them.

Tao Te Ching: 15

The ancient sages were masters of making their way in the world.

Since we can scarcely comprehend the depths of their understanding,

All we can do is reflect on their outward attitude:

Careful, like a man crossing a frozen stream,

Vigilant, like someone surrounded on all sides by threat,

Courteous, like an honored guest,

Yielding, like thawing ice,

Unassuming, like uncarved wood,

Receptive, like an empty valley,

Yet incomprehensible as a turbid pool.

Muddy water once settled becomes clear,

And settled water once again becomes agitated.

He who can remain constant and avoid the vicissitudes of excess,

Avoids becoming buffeted by changing currents,

And naturally cleaves to the path which cuts right through.

16

Lie perfectly still upon your rug.

You will find that this really ties the room together.

Breathing in and out—

Oh, what a wonderful feeling.

This is your concern, dude.

Life is a dream sequence:

You float high above, then fall down to earth,

Again and again.

Awakening, the rug is pulled out from under you.

Prior to attaining this insight,

Threads bind you,

Balls burden you,

And you get a rash so bad you can’t sit down.

Fuggedaboudit!

Cracking the case, you learn to dig the world.

Digging the world, your mind becomes limber.

Limbering your mind, you just take it easy.

Just taking it easy, you become very dude.

Well, you know, the dude abides.

We take comfort in this.

Tao Te Ching: 16

Maintain a perfect stillness,

And you will witness everything arising from this quietude.

Rising and falling,

Like your breath,

Everything without fail returns to the void.

When you are able to see that everything returns to the void,

You will have gained insight into the human condition.

Prior to attaining this insight,

You are under the constant risk of compulsive behavior,

And compulsive behavior can ruin your life.

When you attain this insight into the nature of things,

You will learn to embrace the entire world.

By embracing the entire world you will become profoundly unbiased.

By being profoundly unbiased you will become deeply selfless.

By being deeply selfless you will enter naturally into the stream of Tao.

And Tao takes care of its own.

17

The best achievers are scarcely known by the bums.

The next best are compensated and given beepers.

The next best are real reactionaries who make things plain.

The very worst are human paraquat—

They blame everything on the bums.

So the bums reveal them for the phonies they are.

When achievers accomplish more than most,

But without scamming anyone here,

The bums leave them alone, mister.

Tao Te Ching: 17

The greatest rulers are barely known,

The next best are admired,

The next best are feared,

The next best are loathed.

The stronger the feelings, the weaker the trust,

And those who cannot trust, cannot be governed.

Thus, the best rulers take no credit for their achievements.

This makes the people feel that they have governed themselves.

18

When Dudeness is abandoned,

League bylaws and fucking rules take its place.

When political advocacy is dealt by pornographers,

Standards fall regrettably.

When you can no longer keep ’em down on the farm,

Nihilist dipshits are dispatched as experts.

When the goddamn plane has crashed into the mountain,

Fucking fascists take over beach communities.

Tao Te Ching: 18

When people abandon the Tao,

Doctrines of morality and rectitude take its place.

Once intellect and knowledge are esteemed,

Hypocrisy and pretense become routine.

As family relationships become strained,

We start to hear a lot about the importance of kinship.

And it is only when the whole political system is in trouble,

That ministers start preaching about patriotic loyalties.

19

To lighten up the human comedy:

Be skeptical of experts,

Forget about 3000 years of beautiful tradition,

Don’t do what your parents did.

Fuggedaboudit.

Without these unnecessary, unnecessary means,

Natural, zesty enterprises will be allowed to flourish.

Moreover, if we:

Disregard learned and disputatious men,

And make fun of shrines to fame,

We will not worry about employment,

Nor distress over what to do with our lives.

Furthermore, if we:

Root artists,

And tell smut businessmen we still jerk off manually,

We won’t have to purchase immodestly priced receptacles.

Since the Supreme Court has rejected prior restraint,

We must take it upon ourselves

To face the muck,

Enrobe the ordinary,

Weaken vanity,

And steer our drives away from dumpsters.

Tao Te Ching: 19

To help humanity:

Spurn holiness,

Discard cleverness,

Abandon the doctrine of kindness,

And relinquish moral duty.

After rejecting these external injunctions,

A natural piousness and compassion will be allowed to flourish.

Moreover, if we:

Disregard academic knowledge,

And spurn ceremony,

We will be freed from anxiety over status,

And distress over details.

Furthermore, when we:

Root out artifice,

And banish profiteers,

Hustlers and thieves will be obliged to find their targets elsewhere.

However, these are just outward policies.

Within ourselves we must also come to:

Value the unadorned,

Embrace simplicity,

Reduce self-consciousness,

And curtail our craving.

20

Too much higher education keeps you from getting high.

Many learned men have disputed this.

Sooner or later we’re going to have to face the fact

That they’re goddamn morons.

Can’t be worried about that shit.

The world is as wild as a Jackie Treehorn garden party,

But I take it easy and abide,

Like a little Lebowski before it learns to dig,

Living alone, not much to tell.

The achievers are fucking loaded,

But I’m unemployed.

Also, my rug was stolen.

And my car got dinged up a bit.

It was lodged against an abutment.

The achievers have never been more certain of anything in their life,

Whereas I’m rambling again.

The square community is strongly commended,

Whereas I throw out ringers for ringers,

Aimless as a wave drifting over the bosom of the Pacific Ocean.

Thaaat’s right, dude—

One hundred percent uncertain.

Whereas my career has slowed down a little lately,

The people are busy, as I know you are.

Let me explain something about the Dude:

He is sustained by the Tree of Life.

Aitz chaim he, as the ex used to say.

Tao Te Ching: 20

Abandon learning—it brings only sorrow.

What is good and what is bad?

Must I fear what others fear?

The limit to our ignorance is endless.

Yet there is endless joy to be had—

The world is like a great spring feast.

I take in the views from high above it all,

Calm, alone, and expressionless as an unborn infant,

With nothing to do, and nowhere to go.

The people indulge in an abundance of wealth,

While I appear to have nothing.

The people are sharp and clear-minded,

Whereas I seem confused.

The people are confident and assertive,

But I look dull and withdrawn.

The people are gainfully employed,

Yet I remain stubbornly idle.

My mind is foolish, indeed rather vulgar.

Aimless as the restless winds,

I seem to have no direction at all.

I suppose I am rather different from everyone else.

Yet I am content. Everything I need is right here.

21

The physical act of love is expressed through coitus.

The special lady calls, but does not listen.

Her art has been commended as being strongly vaginal.

Is that what this is a picture of?

Darkness warshes over the Dude. There is no bottom.

Vagina—

It expresses all that can be blathered about.

Yet without batting an eye,

A man will refer to his dick or his rod or his johnson.

That and a pair of testicles.

Don’t be fatuous, Jeffrey,

Please slide your shorts down.

Tao Te Ching: 21

Human virtue is an expression of Tao

Yet its path is elusive and indistinct.

Forms and patterns may be latent within Tao,

But they are obscured to us, mysterious.

The essence of life springs from it,

Yet we can’t observe the fountainhead.

We only know of Tao from its predicates:

A ceaseless flow of creativity from ancient times until now.

This descent of Tao endures—

Its chain of manifestations have persevered through history.

We too are a product of that lineage,

So how we can follow Tao, and manifest its virtue?

By searching within ourselves,

And locating the links.

22

Those who abide can truly achieve.

Those who spare can effectively strike.

Those who live alone can leave the toilet seat up.

Those who take it up with the man get a man down.

Those with a lifetime of achievement don’t do very well.

Forget about the fucking TOE!

Nothing about it indicates.

In order to warsh over the world,

The Stranger accepts it as it is.

In order to tell a purty good story,

The story doesn’t revolve around him.

By not offering any answers, he provides the answer.

By not self-applying a name, he seems eternal.

He has never seen the Queen in her damned undies,

But he gets to see things every bit as stupefying.

He does not eat the bear, so the bear does not eat him.

He does not curse anyone, so he is never cursed.

The Stranger said, “Take it easy, Dude–I know that you will.”

Yeah, man. Well, you know, the Dude abides.

The Dude Abides.

I guess we can close the file on that one.

Tao Te Ching: 22

Only that which is humbled can be improved.

Only that which is broken can be attended to.

Only that which is emptied can be filled up.

Only that which is worn out can be rejuvenated.

Only one who possesses little can ever hope to be satisfied—

This is why those who clutch at success, wealth and status

Come to feel as if deprived.

Therefore, in order that he can help husband the world,

The sage embraces a unity of opposites.

In order to attend to its totality,

He does not focus on himself.

By not claiming to be right,

He becomes righteous.

By not admiring himself,

He merits admiration.

By not being arrogant,

He emerges as a natural leader.

It is only because he does not fight with the world,

That the world embraces him with ease.

The old masters said, “He who surrenders, wins.”

This was not just a clever saying.

He who humbles himself,

Finds a fount of power within,

And a world of welcome without,

So he is able to overcome anything.

23

The Dude does not get hung up on things,

Therefore he does not lose his cool for long.

Just like Nature—

Eventually she gets sick of her little games,

And, you know, wanders back.

Tumbling tumbleweeds.

Even if we wanted to fuck this up, we couldn’t.

Nothing is fucked here.

Therefore, for those who are deeply casual,

Life goes on.

But those that contravene league bylaws

Have to be worried about that shit.

As for man, his days are like grass.

Therefore he who abides in them,

Helps fertilize the world,

And brings a bright flowering from the muck.

Of course, you do get the good with the bad—

He who uses the world as a toilet and moves on

Never gets a day of rest.

Oh man, what’s that smell?

Tao Te Ching: 23

Nature doesn’t dwell on things,

Therefore its violence doesn’t perpetuate itself—

Its cyclones peter out,

Its rainstorms lash and then depart.

Even if we wanted to exacerbate Nature’s tumult, we could not.

Therefore one who comports himself in a natural way,

Will spontaneously adopt the quiet virtue of nature,

Just as one who opposes naturalness,

Will find himself ever buffeted by turmoil.

Man is an extension of nature,

Therefore he who lives in accordance with it

Helps to extend its patterns onto the world.

In so doing, he acts as an agent for Tao.

This works both ways:

One who behaves unnaturally

Acts as an impediment to Tao

And hinders its unfolding.

24

Put your toe over the line,

That’s a foul.

Mark that frame an eight,

You’re entering a world of pain.

Flash your piece out on the lanes,

They’ll stick it up your ass.

Fuck with the Jesus,

You are nobody.

Don’t calm down,

And you will be asked to leave.

Threaten our basic freedoms,

And you will forfeit yours.

This prevents any delayed after-effects.

From the point of view of the Dude,

These actions are drags and bummers.

This is why he has to use so many cuss words.

Shit, man—

Don’t kidnap yourself.

Tao Te Ching: 24

Stand on your tiptoes and you will fall over.

Overextend your stride and you will tire quickly.

Focus on yourself and you will never learn anything.

Sit stubbornly and you will never move forward.

Admire yourself and you will never be admired.

In this way, nature self-corrects itself,

And prevents the selfish from persevering.

From the point of view of the Tao,

Excessive and greedy actions are like tumors.

This is why people naturally detest them.

A follower of Tao rejects them as a matter of principle.

25

In the moment before the bowler rolls

There is a great mystery:

Silent, unmarked and without score,

He stands alone before innumerable possible outcomes.

He finally got the venue he wanted:

Empty lanes in which to perfect the cycle.

This provident vacancy is like some rich and mysterious mother.

I do not know its handle, so I call it Dude.

I do not give a shit about the fucking rules,

So I wait and see what happens.

Yeah, well, you know, it’s just like, uh, my opinion, man,

But it’s fucking far-out,

Some kind of eager thing

Which lubricates the balls and the lanes,

Warshes away the darkness,

And returns the ball to the ball-return.

It really ties the world together.

It helps us fit right in there.

People forget that the brain is the biggest erogenous zone,

Bigger than even the biggest Lebowski.

The player follows the bylaws of the league,

The league follows the way of what-have-you,

What-have-you follows the way of the world,

The world follows the way of the Dude,

And the Dude follows the way of the limber mind.

There are four more detectives working on the case,

They got us working in shifts.

Tao Te Ching: 25

There is something completely nebulous

That predated the world.

Tranquil, formless and solitary,

It persists as it provides,

Like some vast cosmic mother.

I can’t compartmentalize it,

So I just refer to it as “Tao.”

However, if I were forced to try to describe it,

I might call it great, all-pervasive, and far-reaching,

Something which comes from the origin of all things,

Penetrates everything,

And returns to the origin of all things.

It is the force of greatness which makes all great things greater:

Nature, the universe, earth, and leaders of men.

People often forget that there are entities greater than their leaders:

While leaders follow the laws of humanity,

Humanity follows the laws of the world,

The world follows the laws of nature,

Nature follows the laws of Tao,

And Tao follows itself.

Everything follows from this.

26

The extremes of looking for a job and laziness entail each other,

Like those of taking ’er easy, and taking the money.

The Stranger has never been to London or France,

But never feels like the good lord gypped him.

He’s seen something every bit as stupefying as you’d see in any of those other places.

So he invites the Dude to take ’er easy for his sins,

Remains calm and orders a sarsaparilla.

That’s a good one.

But a beautiful heiress cannot indulge in fun and games,

Else she will squander her fruit,

And she cannot date the Dude,

Or she will lose her commendation.

Tao Te Ching: 26

The extremes of work and whimsy

Entail each other,

Like those of tranquility and tension.

The sage walks all day,

But never abandons his cargo.

Even though there are magnificent sights to distract him,

He remains calm and single-minded.

It is only when his duty is done

That he can go back to being unconcerned and aloof.

Similarly, a great ruler cannot indulge in frivolity,

Else he will lose his focus.

And he cannot allow himself to abandon his self-control,

Else he will lose all of his control.

27

A good bowler leaves no pins standing,

A good tenant leaves the rent under the door,

A good husband leaves the toilet seat down,

A good friend leaves you the fuck alone.

A good caller leaves a message after the beep.

Takes a minute.

So the Dude abides,

And says, “Fuck it.”

He accepts everything,

And says “I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

He bathes with candles, whale songs, and a J.

People dig the style of the Dude

Because the Dude remains perfectly calm.

But those that don’t dig the Dude,

Who do not like his jerk off name,

His jerk off face

And his jerk off behavior,

Are plainly jerk offs themselves.

They react like real reactionaries.

Those who abide do not react[1].

Those who react do not abide.

Pacifism is not something that is hidden behind.

It is a weapon employed against obstacles.

Say what you will, at least it’s an ethos,

One with the necessary means for a necessary means.

Tao Te Ching: 27

A good traveler leaves no trace,

A good speaker leaves no doubt,

A good accountant needs no paper,

A well-locked door needs no barricade,

A well-tied knot needs no reinforcement.

The sage tirelessly supports those in need

Without stepping on the toes of others.

He helps all,

Without rejecting anyone, nor anything.

It takes a special kind of wisdom to act in this way.

For the truly good person, his goodness will never be exhausted.

By teaching those who are not yet in possession of beneficence,

And by sharing what he has with them,

He increases his own store of goodness.

However, a student who does not trust his teacher,

And who does not cherish his lesson,

Even if he is wise,

Will find himself no better off.

One cannot acquire anything

When one maintains no open place to put it.

28

Relinquish the robe,

And help the special lady conceive.

Requisition the lane through which you roll your balls.

What is that, yoga?

Going down through the generations.

To know the new shit which has come to light,

Let darkness warsh over you.

The guttural balling,

The physical act of love.

Can you blow that far?

He knows it’s his fucking homework,

But doesn’t say peep.

Mixing the liquors,

He creates the cocktail.

Careful, man! There’s a beverage here!

The Dude loves limberly.

Wonderful womb man!

Very free-spirited.

Tao Te Ching: 28

Respect power,

But maintain receptivity.

By being receptive, one lies underneath the world,

And protects the power of its undifferentiated potential.

To understand the brilliant,

One must also be steeped in the obscure.

By acting as a facilitator for the world,

One gains access to the world’s resources,

Along with its undifferentiated potential.

The sage understands glory and honor,

But clings to humility.

By putting himself beneath the world,

He helps sustain the world,

And safeguards its undifferentiated potential.

Sages know how to turn Tao into a practical means of power,

So great societies are careful to make efficient use of them.

29

Those who threaten castration

Cannot succeed.

The world is totally unspoiled by taking it easy.

It cannot be destroyed by the undude.

Trying to steer it, the plane crashes into the mountain,

Working in shifts, the leads will not be promising.

Leads!

Therefore:

Sometimes you roll strikes,

And sometimes you roll gutters.

Sometimes you eat the bear,

And sometimes the bear eats you.

Sometimes you deal with reactionaries,

And sometimes you deal with pacifists.

Sometimes you take any rug in the house,

And sometimes you take a crack on the jaw.

The Stranger has never seen the queen in her damned undies.

But he’s seen something every bit as stupefying—

What’s a hee-ro?

This is our concern.

Tao Te Ching: 29

Those who want to rule the world by force,

Will surely fail.

The natural way of things should not be tampered with.

For when one tries to divert it, one destroys it,

And when one tries to grip it, one fumbles it.

Sometimes things move forward,

Sometimes they dally behind,

Sometimes they heat up,

Sometimes they grow cold,

Sometimes they strengthen,

Sometimes they weaken,

Sometimes they overcome,

Sometimes they succumb.

Therefore the sage is skeptical of extremes,

And opposed to extravagant ideals.

When arrogance is avoided,

Achievements come naturally, easily, and each in their own time.

30

Achievers are well-advised not to use aggression,

For aggression does not remain unchecked.

Tumbleweeds tumble across lines in the sand.

Doesn’t anybody give a shit about the rules?

Well, no. Not exactly.

Across this line you do not!

It is only when aggression must not stand,

That the Dude confronts the undude,

Rights the wrongs with dude-jitsu,

And assures us that it will be no problem.

The Dude seeks only compensation—

Succeeding through slack,

Smoking and sympathizing here,

Trying to get out of things cheap,

He wins by being a loser.

Though Walter may bring about a more dramatic victory,

He will end up trading good buddies for lines in the sand.

Idealism is very undude.

It fucks everything up!

Tao Te Ching: 30

In knowing and teaching the ways of Tao,

The sage eschews the use of force,

For he knows it will only incur retaliation.

Where armies encamp, only thorny bushes will grow.

Great wars are followed by famine.

Thus, when fighting cannot be avoided,

The sage does only what is necessary,

And halts immediately thereafter.

He does not seek power for its own sake,

He achieves but is not arrogant,

He is resolute but not proud,

He fights only with reluctance,

He overcomes without dominating his opponent.

Though force may bring about a quicker triumph,

It will also sow the seeds of disaster.

Force runs contrary to Tao,

And so culminates in catastrophe.

31

Goons portend peril.

The Dude will not deal with morons:

Their purpose is micturition,

While his purpose is recreation.

Nihilists believe in nossing.

They are cowards, dipshits, crybabies.

Experts at unrepentantly betraying trust,

And stepping on penises and squishing them.

Those who lack an ethos

Will threaten castration,

Only to be chop-chopped themselves,

From their toes, up to their ears.

Do you see what happens?

Say what you will,

A worthy fucking adversary should still be offered condolences,

Just as the permanently shut up should be immortalized with a eulogy.

Tao Te Ching: 31

Military instruments portend peril.

This is why they are naturally feared.

Because they are tools of aggression,

The sage holds no affinity for them.

In ordinary affairs, a wise ruler gives precedence to inclusion.

It is only in wartime that he elects the path of exclusion.

Thus military instruments do not further the development of wholesomeness.

Rather, they are a necessary but unfortunate regression in the grand scheme of things.

The wise ruler employs his militia only as a last resort

And is never enthusiastic about it.

For to delight in war is to delight in death,

And he who delights in death,

Will himself become subsumed by it.

Thus when forced into battle,

One should bitterly mourn the massacre of one’s adversaries,

And commemorate victory not with a parade,

But with a wake.

32

Though he has been innerduced enough,

There’s a lot we don’t understand about the Dude.

Jackie Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town,

But the Dude doesn’t draw shit.

He is someone the square community doesn’t give a shit about,

And yet he is in a unique position:

A deadbeat, a loser, a bum,

Someone in whom casualness runs deep.

The achievers are only dimly aware of the Dude,

Yet if only they could learn the Dude way,

Then the world would become totally unspoiled,

Our fucking troubles would be over,

People would stay and enjoy their coffee,

And we would not have to involve the Supreme Court.

Achievers give rise to institutions,

And the habit of determining a preferred nomenclature,

Yet this all might be a lot more uh uh uh complex, uh uh…

You know?

There isn’t a literal connection.

Face it, there isn’t any connection.

What the fuck am I taking about?

If we only listened occasionally, we might learn something:

After cracking the empty case,

The strands in Duder’s head enter an ocean of the pacific.

Tao Te Ching: 32

Tao is eternal and absolute,

Yet in its nameless, potential, and undifferentiated state,

It exerts little influence upon the world.

No one in the world can harness it wholly.

If only the rulers of the world could master it,

Then everything would naturally fall into place,

All our problems would be solved,

The people would be perfectly content,

And they would no longer need to be governed to get along.

Civilization gives rise to institutions,

And the habit of categorizing things,

Yet we need to recognize the limits of their efficacy:

To mark boundaries is to impose barriers upon the world.

Why is this important?

Because the way Tao manifests in the world

Is analogous to streams joining together into a great river

And those rivers uniting into an all-encompassing ocean.

33

Knowing the world requires wittiness,

But knowing the inner Dude requires shittiness.

Conquering the world requires a great inheritance,

But conquering oneself requires only an empty ringer.

A lifetime of achievement is not measured in riches, but in rashes.

He who can dig his day despite the dipshits at the door is fucking loaded,

And his legacy more than just a little Lebowski.

Tao Te Ching: 33

It takes wit to understand other people,

But it takes humility to understand oneself.

It takes power to conquer other people,

But it takes resilience to conquer oneself.

Wealth arises not from riches,

But from lack of want.

Thus he who categorically accepts his lot in life,

Is wealthy beyond measure,

And his impact upon the world, immense.

34

The Dude is deeply casual during all the separate incidents:

Confronting Lebowski,

Attending the cycle,

Helping Maude conceive,

Wanting only to get back to his rug.

He abides all things,

Does not try to scam anyone.

He is unemployed,

So he seems like a loser, a deadbeat,

Someone the square community doesn’t give a shit about.

He is mixed up in all this,

In bed with everybody.

He has no expiration date,

So he fits right in there.

Because his thinking is not uptight,

His thoughts are bottomless, infinite.

That’s ingenious, if we understand it correctly.

Think they’ve got room for one more?

Tao Te Ching: 34

Tao flows everywhere and in all directions.

Everything in the universe relies upon it,

Yet it doesn’t expect anything in return.

It works diligently,

Yet seeks no merit.

It is all-powerful,

Yet seeks no control.

It is eternal,

Yet seeks no sustenance.

Thus it can be found amongst even the most insignificant.

It provides the ground for all things,

Yet requires no tithe.

Thus it can be placed among the greatest of the great.

In the same way,

The sage does not seek greatness.

This is how he finds it.

35

Because the Dude lacks a job and business papers,

He can neither be hired nor fired,

He is never bumped into a higher tax bracket,

And his schedule remains always unposted.

Though The Eagles and lingonberry pancakes may seduce others,

The Dude favors Bob Dylan and burgers.

His sustenance is simple.

If you look for Dudeness you cannot see it.

And if you listen for Dudeness you cannot hear it.

But if you learn the way of the Dude,

You will hear the unspoken message here:

Oh, what a wonderful feeling!

La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

Tao Te Ching: 35

To one who can grasp the idea of Tao,

The entire world makes itself available,

So no harm can come to him—

Only joy, abundance and contentment.

Though music and sweets may tantalize the typical passerby,

Tao is as transparent and tasteless as water,

And thus it is often ignored.

If you look for Tao you will not see it,

If you listen for Tao you will not hear it,

But if you learn to make use of it,

It will be of use to you always.

36

Kill that car, your own car gets killed,

Mark it eight, you’re entering a world of pain,

Float to the sky, you’ll fall in the gutter,

Get a million dollars, they’ll cut off your johnson.

The Dude eventually overcomes the undude.

It’s like Lenin said: Look for the one who benefits.

Vanity is a weakness.

Modesty is a receptacle.

Tao Te Ching: 36

That which is stretched too far will snap back.

That which uses too much power will become enfeebled.

That which is built up too high will topple over.

That which is overloaded with riches will soon be raided.

The weak will eventually overcome the strong—

This principle reveals the value of humility.

Just as fish who rise up to the surface are consumed,

Strength, when vaunted, is vanquished.

37

The Dude isn’t tied down,

Yet he leaves nothing untied together.

If the achievers could do the same,

Life would become a natural, zesty enterprise

And proud we’d be of all of them.

Not greedy,

All the Dude ever wanted was his rug back

And to just take it easy, man.

A peaceful easy feeling:

It’s down there somewhere, let me take another look.

Tao Te Ching: 37

Tao doesn’t do anything,

And yet somehow it gets everything done.

If the mighty could also eschew objectives,

Everything in the world would naturally thrive.

When objectives assert themselves,

They can be subdued with simplicity.

Subdued by simplicity, tranquility is attained,

And the world once again thrives as it may.

38

Artists want to be commended as strongly imaginal.

Nihilists want to hide the fact that they’re fucking amateurs.

Jewish Catholics want to get over their sick sinfulness thing.

But the abiding do not want anything.

For when the Dude is undude, Jeffrey takes over.

When Jeffrey is fatuous, Walter takes over.

When Walter is a goddamn moron, Donny takes over.

And when Donny is dead in the water,

You have to brush him off your clothes.

Known pornographers are not easily fucked.

Nihilism is not easily annihilated.

When the Jesus exposes himself to children,

Their thinking becomes very uptight.

Ethos is the end of digging each other’s style,

The beginning of not listening to the Dude’s story.

Like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie,

We are the walrus,

And out of our element.

Everything is just, like, our opinion, man.

The Dude’s mind is limber, not uptight.

He carefully reviews labels,

Then sniffs the half-and-half.

Chooses the most modestly-priced option,

And pays with a post-dated check.

Tao Te Ching: 38

Those of the highest character do not think about virtue,

Which is why they are the most virtuous,

While those of lower character strive to attain virtue,

Which is why they rarely do.

The truly virtuous

Act without objective,

And thus have no need to be recognized.

Beneath them, the benevolent are moved by a code of valor,

And so must strive after honor and accolade.

Yet at least they do not impose morality upon others—

Beneath them, the righteous perceive themselves as moral guardians,

And so must strive to control and command.

Yet at least they are concerned with the living—

Beneath them, the holy are only interested in tradition and ritual.

Since no one really cares about any of that,

They must strive to establish their doctrines by force.

Thus:

When Tao is lost, we hear about virtue,

When virtue is lost, we hear about benevolence,

When benevolence is lost, we hear about morality,

And when morality is lost, we hear about history.

It follows that:

Of all the methods to find the way in the world,

Hewing to traditional doctrine is by far the shabbiest,

And a portent of great troubles to come.

Any presumed wisdom is like a petal

On an enormous and unfolding tree of knowledge.

Mistaking the flower for the tree itself

Renders the system infertile,

Nurturing only ignorance and delusion.

This is why those of great character

Concern themselves with the pith instead of the peel,

The fruit instead of the flower,

The trunk instead of the twigs.

Electing sustenance, they shed the superficial.

39

In the early ’90s things were not so half-and-half:

Business papers were properly employed,

Basic freedoms were more stable,

Pacifism was more respected,

Our conflicts were cakewalks,

Phones were not mobile,

And the Dude abided.

But without credence, business papers are stolen,

Without basic freedoms, we enter a world of pain,

Without pacifism, our buddies die face down in the muck,

Without a hostage there is no ransom,

Without reward, the briefcase is barren,

And without compeers, even the Dude will wander.

So the Dude depends upon the bowling team,

As the bowling team depends upon the Dude.

They are the uncompromised first draftees,

A collective action of non-reactionaries.

Wholeness is made up of halves-and-halves:

Strong men also cry,

Deadbeats get down to cases,

Jewish veterans care for Pomeranians,

And German nihilists chase after compensation.

Rather than ride the wave of the future,

The Dude rides a ’71 Ford,

An occasional acid flashback,

And an heiress who shares his heritage

With a little legacy on the way.

Tao Te Ching: 39

In ancient times everything was unified by Tao.

Because of this:

The sky was clear,

The earth was settled,

The air was energized,

The rivers were abundant,

Nature flourished,

And rulers could govern virtuously.

But without this unity:

The sky collapses,

The earth sinks,

The air dissipates,

The rivers dry up,

All withers,

And rulers are laid low.

Thus to achieve nobility,

One must recognize a dependence upon the humble.

To reach great heights,

Roots must be tended to assiduously.

To win enduring support,

Great leaders must openly exhibit their humanity.

After all, there is weakness in power, and power in weakness—

Rather being than shiny and precious as jewelry,

Be common and steadfast as stone.

40

The motion of the ball is a cycle.

The use of the ball is to knock pins down,

After which, they pop up again.

Bowling is made of motion,

And motion is made of nothing.

It’s all just a game, man.

Well, that’s your perception.

Tao Te Ching: 40

Tao travels everywhere,

But always returns to its origin,

Though it gives rise to the world,

It does so with enormous gentleness and humility.

This is because it starts from nothing.

41

When smarter fellers study Dudeism, they practice it diligently.

When the average study Dudeism, they practice it dispassionately.

When the dipshits study Dudeism, they say “Laughable, man! Ha ha!”

This is how we recognize dudeness: The dunces find it dumb.

Starting on the Dude Way, one at first seems like Donny.

Rolling into the semis, one enters a world of pain.

But upon making it to the finals, one abides and takes comfort.

On the Way:

The greatest stonewall seems like a pushover,

The simplest plan appears complex,

The laziest deadbeat appears lively,

The biggest Lebowski appears small,

The greatest achiever seems to be a fucking amateur.

The private residence enjoys no privacy,

The ideal father has no interest in raising the child,

And the most special lady does not want to see him socially.

The Dude cannot be correctly named or pinned down:

But he’s got certain information, man,

And he fits right in there.

He’s the man for his time and place—

You’re calling him at home.

Tao Te Ching: 41

When the best students learn about Tao,

They work hard to put it into practice.

When mediocre students learn about Tao,

They practice it only half-heartedly.

When the worst students learn about Tao,

They laugh out loud.

This is how we know it is truly Tao:

When the dull find it dumb.

Thus it is said that while starting on the path of Tao:

The way of illumination appears dim,

Moving forward seems like a retreat,

The easier path appears more difficult,

The highest virtue sounds hollow,

The purest innocence looks disgraced,

The wisest mind seems ignorant,

The most steadfast character appears deceitful,

The most evident truth seems spurious,

The ideal structure looks badly-shaped,

The perfect tool takes too long to implement,

The finest music is too unsettling to enjoy,

The most beautiful image betrays no evident form.

Tao is utterly obscure and unnamable.

This is how it safeguards its power,

And how it is able to invest itself so effectively in the world.

42

It begins with the stupefying, unintroduced Dude.

Then comes the half-and-half.

The half-and-half is poured into a beverage with three parts.

Everything gets mixed up in all this.

All things come from this carefully held beverage:

The world begins with a thirst, and ends with a buzz.

We invent new things my mixing old products together.

The world is a giant supermarket.

Try to find the best ingredients at the lowest cost.

Many people look at the Dude with suspicion,

Yet the wise see the Dude as a hero,

Only, they won’t say that exactly.

They know that in a tumbling tumbled world,

It is the upside down who are often the most upright.

Though many learned men have disputed this,

Those who treat the world as their home

Will be casual and comfortable anywhere they go,

Especially if they subscribe to a club of value.

Tao Te Ching: 42

Tao gives rise to a unified field of being,

The unified field of being splits into the yin and the yang,

The interplay of yin and yang gives birth to creativity,

And creativity produces all the things we perceive in the world.

Elements in the world are vehicles for yin and yang,

Helping to harmoniously blend their vital energies.

Most people hate to be lonely and disrespected,

Yet great men can see the value in being an outsider.

They know that in certain conditions

Loss can be a gain, and gain can be a loss.

It’s been said many times before:

Those who visit violence upon the world

Will surely have violence visited upon them.

This is the most important thing in the world there is to understand.

43

Those that abide,

In time, naturally overcome those that aggress.

The loser overcomes the achiever,

The bum comes over the heiress,

The lazy undermines the loaded,

The goldbricker outwits the gold-keyed.

From these examples we learn the value of taking it easy.

What the fuck are you talking about—

Unemployment can produce wealth?

That’s fucking interesting, man.

Tao Te Ching: 43

The softest things in the world,

In time, naturally overcome the hardest.

The most formless things in the world,

In time, naturally overcome the most solid.

From these examples we can learn the value of not trying.

Of course, this can be very difficult to understand—

How it is that surrender can lead to success.

44

Bullshit money or basic freedoms: which is more valuable?

Contentment or competition: which is more rewarding?

Fucking or getting fucked: which gives you a rash so bad you can’t sit down?

The more a rug is valued, the more painful is its absence,

The greater the finder’s fee, the more frustrating it is to lose.

So he who can’t be worried about that shit

Will avoid a world of pain,

And may long endure ups and downs, strikes and gutters.

Tao Te Ching: 44

Status or self-regard, which is more significant?

Well-being or wealth, which is worth more?

Gain or loss, which incurs more pain?

The greater the attachment, the more acute the suffering.

The greater the hoard, the more damaging the loss.

A contented man is immune to disappointment.

Since he does not covet, he incurs no danger.

Incurring no danger, he lives long, and prospers.

45

Perfect calm seems imperfect,

But it’s calmer than you are.

Ample allowance may seem adequate,

But it owes money all over town.

Complicated cases make you lose your train of thought,

Especially when you’re anxious to get to the point.

In the same way:

The straightest cowboy can seem gay,

The biggest Lebowski can seem small,

And the most beautiful plan can seem fucked up.

Baths overcome bummers.

Relaxation overcomes rashes.

To help tie the room together,

Just take it easy, man.

Life will go on,

Even if it doesn’t start and stop at your convenience.

Tao Te Ching: 45

The greatest accomplishment may appear ordinary,

But its greatness lies in its eternal utility.

The greatest abundance may appear unimpressive,

But its greatness lies in its inexhaustibility.

Similarly,

The straightest line may seem skewed,

The greatest intelligence may seem idiotic,

And the greatest communication may seem confounding.

Movement overcomes cold.

Stillness overcomes heat.

To help bring equilibrium to the world,

Just relax, take it easy,

And the world will flourish

Despite any of our efforts to understand it.

46

When people take it easy,

Veterans enjoy their coffee in family restaurants.

When people don’t take it easy,

Reactionaries throw their coffee at innocent foreheads.

There is nothing more dangerous,

Than doing the “right thing” no matter what the cost,

And there is no greater weakness,

Than the weakness of vanity.

For only when people find it easy to take it easy,

Can we be cured from our dis-ease,

The hazard of a whole world gone crazy.

Tao Te Ching: 46

When Tao prevails,

Stallions are freed to fertilize the fields.

When Tao is ignored,

Warhorses are bred along the borderlands.

There is no curse more deep-rooted than discontentment,

And no affliction more self-stoking than greed,

For only when one learns how to cultivate contentment,

Can they ever hope to experience satisfaction.

47

You can listen and learn something occasionally

Without leaving your private residence.

We can wait and watch something wonderful

Without having to pay another hundred.

The more you dig,

The more there is to be dug.

The Stranger wanders westward without a wagon,

Sees the stupefying without going to London or France,

And is cool without having to use cuss words.

Though he doesn’t find the angels to be that exactly,

They make him laugh to beat the band.

Tao Te Ching: 47

The whole world can be understood

Without leaving your room.

The Way can be witnessed

Without opening your window.

The further one progresses,

The less one understands.

Therefore the sage:

Doesn’t look, yet perceives

Doesn’t seek, yet finds

Doesn’t try, yet does.

48

The follower of achievement

Accomplishes more than most men.

The follower of the Dude

Just drops in to see what condition his condition is in.

By slowing down his career,

The Dude reaches a state of total pacifism.

By letting things roll freely,

Allowing the pins to fall where they may,

He strikes effectively, sparing little.

Which bothers some men.

Beaver.

To conquer the world, take it easy.

If you must do something,

Do a J,

And let the world conquer itself.

Tao Te Ching: 48

In the development of knowledge, there is a daily augmenting,

But in the development of Tao, there is a daily diminishing.

One strives less and less,

Until all action unfolds without objective.

Although one appears to do very little at all,

Everything important is achieved.

To effectively husband the world,

Do not wrestle with it.

Obstruct its natural flow,

And you will find yourself pushed aside.

49

The Dude knows that everything is just, like, his opinion, man.

He does not distinguish between Lenin and Lennon,

Marmots and Ferrets,

Pomeranians and Yorkshire Terriers,

Chinamen and Asian-Americans.

Dance quintets, cycles, and what-have-you.

He doesn’t draw lines in the sand.

He looks for the ones who will benefit,

But he doesn’t look for handouts.

He digs those who are a Lebowski.

He also digs those who are not a Lebowski.

That’s terrific.

He does business with those who are wrong.

He also does business with those who are not wrong,

But are just assholes.

He doesn’t want to be a hard-on about this.

He is in harmony with the world,

So he abides the worlds of others.

You know, it’s just a game, man.

Mark it ∞.

This affects all of us.

Tao Te Ching: 49

The sage has no fixed ideas about anything,

So he takes in a broad range of information—

Not only from the admired,

But also from the shunned,

And so doubles the value he receives.

He entertains not only the credible,

But the incredible as well,

And so multiplies his libraries of learning.

In husbanding the world,

The sage draws people together

Into one big glorious mess.

In this way, he keeps them from maturing,

Preventing their perceptions from growing old and brittle.

50

Death comes upon Donny

As the Dude comes upon Maude.

A lifetime of achievement can occur in three ways:

Three in ten men are idealists,

Three in ten men are nihilists,

And three in ten men are materialists,

Men who will not name their sighs.

They care more about wall hangings than floor coverings.

Yet the one in ten who truly knows how to abide

Does not fear marmots in his tub,

Nor nihilists in the parking lot.

Marmots and morons do not cut off his johnson,

Nor do samurai swords cut at his Cowichan[2].

Why is this?

Because he knows how to get out of these things cheap.

As for compensation, there’s little he would ask.

Tao Te Ching: 50

In the cycle of life, death is inevitable.

This can be dealt with in different ways—

Three men in ten are students of death,

Three men in ten are students of life,

And three men in ten are so preoccupied with survival,

That they only end up accelerating their decay.

Yet the one in ten who is truly adept at living long

Does not fear wild animals in the woods,

Nor soldiers on the battlefield.

Horns and claws do not rend his flesh,

And swords do not pierce his heart.

Why is this?

Because he is a student of both life and death equally.

51

Strong vaginas don’t want to see us socially,

And private dicks won’t leave us the fuck alone.

Cleft assholes laugh at us,

But they’re not privy to the new shit.

Do they think we’re fucking around here?

Mark it zero.

On the other hand,

Dudeness benefits all,

And hurts no one.

When we honor the Dude,

We aren’t dealing with vaginas, dicks, or assholes—

We’re digging the whole durn human comedy.

Dudeness abides—

It sympathizes here,

Slips the rent under the door,

Drives us to Pasadena,

Doesn’t make us saps,

Bowls without fouling,

Dies without feeling like the good lord gypped it,

Apologizes for not listening,

Waves the peace around,

Gives a shit about this whole fucking thing:

The marmot, the poor woman, the money, and what-have-you.

Don’t tattoo it on your forehead,

But this is your answer for everything.

I've never been more certain of anything in my life.

Tao Te Ching: 51

Tao itself brings forth life,

While virtue, the practice of Tao, helps nurture it.

Things take shape according to their inner nature,

And environment helps perfect them.

This is why everything in the world esteems Tao,

And glorifies virtue.

Yet Tao’s esteem and virtue’s glory,

Are not bestowed upon them.

Rather, they arise naturally.

Tao provides life and nurtures it,

Rears and nourishes it,

Shelters and matures it,

Sustains and protects it.

Though Tao gives life,

It does so without any hint of possessiveness.

It assists without any expectation of return.

It mentors without imposing its authority.

These are the greatest virtues imaginable.

52

The origins of the Dude are in the Port Huron Statement—

The manifesto for its time and place.

Dig the decree and you dig the Dude.

Read the uncompromised first draft.

You can imagine where it went from there:

The bums lost.

Keep your voice down in a family restaurant.

Do not step on anyone’s toes.

Make everything a first amendment issue,

And everything will be a fucking travesty with you, man.

Father’s weakness is vanity.

Do you have to use so many cuss words when you’re doing business?

Have it your way and you’ll fuck this up.

Sympathizing here makes you a worthy fucking adversary.

Why don't you fucking listen occasionally?

You might learn something.

Tao Te Ching: 52

The progenitor of the world

May be thought of as its mother.

You must first learn to fathom the mother

In order to understand the children.

Then, once the children are made sense of,

You can return to the maternal bosom

And she will protect you from all the peril in the world.

Temper your senses,

Cultivate restraint,

And you will enjoy a life of peace.

Alternatively,

Keep your mouth always open,

Multiply your activities,

And you will invite all the trouble in the world.

Cherishing the insignificant

Reveals great profundity.

Aligning with the fragile

Confers great strength.

Use Tao to illuminate things instead of doctrine.

This will help safeguard you from misfortune.

It is a practice which inculcates insight.

53

It is the modest task which is your charge:

Following the Dude like a Brother Shamus,

Fearing only that you’ll crash into a dumpster.

Yet while following instructions is easy,

Believing in nothing is also easy.

That’s two things we learned in ‘Nam.

Though mansions in Pasadena are full of plunder,

The valleys are left to tumbleweeds,

And the bowling alleys are out of business.

Darkness warshes over:

Unworthy adversaries wear purple jumpsuits,

Play, ugh, techno-pop,

Threaten to fuck strangers in the ass,

Draw pictures of penises, and a lot of water,

Purvey pornography and politics,

Keep amphibious rodents within the city limits,

Demand ransom without a hostage,

And purloin money from needy children of promise.

These are not worthy fucking adversaries.

These are the manners of the monkey-feeders,

And grave deviations from the Dude.

Tao Te Ching: 53

If we had the tiniest bit of sense,

We would always stay on the thoroughfare of Tao,

Avoiding the ill-fated off-ramp.

The high road is broad and smooth,

Yet for some odd reason,

People are prone to veer onto treacherous turnoffs.

Though mansions are immaculately appointed,

The surrounding fields lie fallow,

And the granaries stand empty.

Inside, they wear elegant clothes,

With fine jewels dangling upon them.

They eat and drink excessively,

Enjoying riches too innumerable to apprehend.

We normally refer to this as grand larceny!

Some imagine this to be a noble path.

But it too is a grave deviation from the Tao.

54

He who doesn’t remember much from college,

Learns to live on his allowance.

He who digs Dudeism deeply,

Does not become a fucking fascist.

Dudeists follow 2500 years of beautiful tradition,

Pooling resources, flowing far, freeing spirits.

Cultivate love in the true sense of the word,

And you won’t need to scam anyone here.

Care about the rug in your residence,

And it will tie everything together.

Create camaraderie among the bowling team,

And you’ll enter the next round robin.

Fit right in to your time and place,

And you’ll be in a unique position.

Therefore:

Know a residence by its renter,

Know a bowler by its team,

Know a team by its league,

Know a league by its lanes,

Know the lanes by its location,

Know a location by loving it, in the true sense of the word.

How can I enter a world of no-pain?

By loving the world,

Even when it’s full of goddamn morons.

Tao Te Ching: 54

That which is given a good foundation in Tao,

Cannot be knocked down.

That which deeply embraces Tao,

Cannot be torn from it.

Tao’s adepts are heirs to its homestead,

Just as children are kin to their clan.

When one cultivates Tao in his person,

His character will become genuine.

When one cultivates Tao in his family,

Its strength will become multiplied.

When one cultivates Tao in his community,

Its virtue will become long-lasting.

When one cultivates Tao in is country,

Its goodness will prosper.

When one cultivates Tao everywhere,

Its benefits will spread broadly across the world.

To get started,

Compare your person against other persons,

Compare your family against other families,

Compare your community against other communities,

Compare your country against other countries,

And compare your world with everything that has come before it.

How can one confirm that this method works?

Only through personal observation.

Don’t take my word for it.

55

Because he’s an old-born baby,

The Dude is one of the greatest characters in the world.

Marmots will not scratch him.

Pomeranians will not take his turn at bowling.

Nihilists will not cut off his johnson.

His belly is soft, yet his toes are strong,

So he rolls a strike!

He has no wife, nor a ring on his finger,

So his toilet seat is up!

He sings the theme song to “Branded” in a Malibu patrol car.

He has fun, even when everything is fucked here.

Though the Dude is chronologically middle-aged,

He is still naturally enterprising and zesty.

He is careful not to let his thinking become uptight,

Else he will enter a world of pain.

For too many Js will burn the lungs,

And too much half-and-half will age the heart.

The toe that slips over the line may get cut off,

Making it difficult to wear flip flops.

Thus, the Dude does not detour when he drives,

Because one who departs from the path of Dudeness

Ends up going the way of Donny.

Tao Te Ching: 55

One who is rich in character

Can be said to be like a newborn baby.

Snakes and scorpions will not sting him,

Wild animals will not attack him,

And birds of prey will not swoop down upon him.

His bones are flexible,

And his muscles soft—

Yet his grip is so strong!

He is unaware of coitus,

And yet his penis stands erect—

His vitality is at full potential indeed!

He can scream all day and not become hoarse—

In what great shape his body must be!

To know this freshness is to be in accord with the eternal,

And to be in accord with the eternal is to be enlightened.

Though vitality inevitably wanes,

Artificial attempts to increase it are ill-fated.

An overuse of vital energy is bound to backfire:

Those who struggle against their decay

Grow old before their time.

This is a departure from the way of nature—

And whatever departs from this way

Meets an untimely end.

56

He who is wise does not blather,

While he who blathers usually has something to hide.

It’s all just, like, your opinion, man,

So keep your voice down,

And stay out of the preach communities.

There’s an unspoken message here—

It’s “Shut the fuck up!”

In shutting the fuck up,

Phoniness and aggression,

Satyriasis and nymphomania,

Strikes and gutters,

And even matters of life and death,

Will not affect you.

You’ll rest easy, good buddy, and make it to the finals.

Fuckin’ A.

Tao Te Ching: 56

Those who are wise do not speak about wisdom,

And those who speak about wisdom are not wise.

Shut your mouth,

Close your eyes,

Blunt your edges,

Untie your knots,

Unwind your intellect,

And identify yourself with the dust.

This is how you achieve unity with the world.

Once unity with the world is achieved,

You will no longer be able to be attached, nor aloof,

Nor benefited, nor harmed,

Nor ennobled, nor disgraced.

This is the highest state of human development.

57

A bowling league is best governed by a German Kraut.

A war is best fought by fig-eaters trying to find reverse on a Soviet tank.

But life is best lived by the Dude.

This is because he doesn’t have any schemes for doing so.

Why is this a good way to live your life? Because:

The more competition and achievement there is,

The more the bums lose.

The more guns there are to be waved around,

The more league bylaws are contravened.

The more strongly beaver pictures are commended,

The more we cannot love in the true sense of the word.

The more nice, quiet little beach communities are built,

The more lines are drawn in the sand.

Therefore the Stranger says:

I give comfort, and the human comedy is perpetuated.

I hitch my wagon westward and the people become surfers.

I lose my train of thought and this a-here story unfolds anyway.

I innerduce the Dude, and the world digs my style.

I die with a smile on my face, and, well, I hope you folks enjoy yourselves.

Tao Te Ching: 57

Great governors make forthright plans,

Great generals make deceptive plans,

But great sages refuse to make any plans at all—

This is how they rule the world.

How is this a strategy for leadership?

Because the more plans and prohibitions we make,

The more the people grow impoverished,

And the more the powerful profit from war and weaponry,

The more the nation grows chaotic.

It seems that the more that crafty schemes

Are floated among the populace,

The more things fall apart.

By enacting more laws,

We create more criminals.

Hence the sage:

Doesn’t push anyone to improve,

And the people naturally transform themselves.

He presides peacefully,

And the people get along with each other.

He doesn’t meddle in their business,

And the people prosper.

He expects nothing from them,

And the people learn to live well.

58

When the Dude is lazy and smokes a J,

Adversaries are friendly and fawning.

When Walter is violent and threatens plan B,

Brats stonewall and deceive.

Feeling down in the dumps may give way to joy,

Just as contentment may yield to catastrophe.

Who can say what makes, a man, man?

This whole fucking thing! We’re sympathizing here.

Let me tell you something, pendejo—

Drafts are always compromised,

And simple plans become complex.

Humans have always been like this, down through the generations.

So the Stranger cultivates without cussing,

Panders without perversion,

Is unnamed but amiable,

And a smarter feller than ourselves—

Though that’s not a handle he would self-apply.

Tao Te Ching: 58

When the government is unobtrusive,

The people remain sincere.

But when the government interferes with their lives,

The people contend with each other for advantage.

Good fortune follows from bad fortune,

Just as bad fortune follows from good—

No one knows what lies just around the corner.

Thus there is no right way,

Because what is right soon deviates into what is wrong,

And excellence is soon beset by the ominous.

For a long time now

The people have struggled to figure out how to live.

So the sage cultivates a sharp wit,

But does not use it to cut the dullards down.

He speaks honestly, but does not insult.

He deals directly, but does not bully.

Though his wisdom illuminates,

It does not blind or dazzle.

59

When doing business,

Don’t say peep.

When cracking a complicated case,

Don’t let your thinking get uptight.

Though it appears there is no point,

Things seem to work out pretty good.

Restraint allows time for story, production value, feelings,

To bowl and bathe,

To simplify the plan,

To aid in chance conceptions.

The more rapidly you return to your rug,

The less you’ll have to worry about that shit.

The less you worry,

The more you’ll be there for the life cycle.

The more you dig the dance,

The greater your capacity for Dudeness,

The more Dude you are,

The more you’ll inspire others to follow in your toesteps.

Thus, those who can ably abide

Are able to put the world under their influence.

Like Kahlua, vodka and cream,

They limber our minds,

While tying together the strands in our heads,

And making us feel all warm inside.

In this way, the Dude’s style remains,

Even after the last strike, and the credits, are rolled.

Tao Te Ching: 59

In governing the people,

And attending to the environment,

Nothing is greater than humility.

Only by practicing humility,

Can one rapidly return to the natural state.

The more rapidly you return to the natural state,

The greater your crop of character.

The greater your crop of character,

The more challenges can be overcome.

The more challenges you overcome,

The more limitless your life.

The more limitless your life,

The greater your capacity to cultivate.

And the greater your capacity to cultivate,

The more profound your influence can be.

This is what results when one attends ardently to roots—

A flourishing of enduring vitality and vision.

60

The Stranger introduces the Dude

In the same way that he introduces himself to the Dude.

That is to say, he only speaks through one side of his mustache,

Humble and unassuming as the walrus.

When people treat each other with humility,

There’s no need to blather about God.

It’s not that you need to stop believing in what-have-you,

Only that it turns people into answering machines.

The Dude doesn’t tell people what to think.

Because of this, they figure things out for themselves.

Though suspicions are neither confirmed nor disconfirmed,

Our lives are in our hands.

Tao Te Ching: 60

A sage governs a large group in the same way

That he would cook a delicate fish:

That is to say, he meddles as little as possible.

When the world is governed in accordance with Tao,

Spiritual influences no longer find any purchase.

It’s not that spiritualism loses any power,

Only that it no longer has any effect on the people.

Thus, just as sages do,

The unseen ends up leaving people alone.

When the unseen and the sages leave people alone,

Order is welcomed into the world.

61

People are tied together through seduction.

Maude seduces the Dude by slipping off her robe,

Even though it was not hers to slip.

When the Dude submits to Maude,

He does so to compulsively fornicate.

When Maude submits to the Dude,

She does so because she wants a child.

The Dude will submit for fun and games,

Maude will submit to increase the chances of conception.

They’re both mixed up in this:

Laying one side against the other,

In bed with Jeffrey, Maudey,

Fabulous stuffing.

Therefore:

It is in everyone’s interest to pool their resources, trade information. Compeers, you know?

To achieve the modest tasks which are our charge,

We must resign to be tender.

Tao Te Ching: 61

A great society should be like a lowland delta

Toward which all things flow downstream,

Commingling their potency.

Similarly,

It is by remaining receptive

That the submissive overcomes the dominating.

By attending to the base of things,

The receptive restores balance in the world.

It is in this way that

By submitting to the weak,

The strong can win their loyalty,

And by submitting to the strong

The weak can win their protection.

Thus, there is enormous power in placing oneself below.

If a relationship is mutually beneficial,

What does it matter who wears the crown?

62

Dudeism is a source of goodness:

It comforts the Stranger,

And takes it easy for all us sinners out there.

Truly sensible words produce love in the true sense of the word.

A worthy fucking adversary earns respect.

If a man is fragile, very fragile, do not threaten him with a world of pain.

Though his toe may slip over the line, it’s only a game, man.

When a man accomplishes more than most men,

He is honored with a key to the city, meetings with first ladies, and a trophy wife.

It’s all a goddamn fake!

Especially when compared with the delights of the Dude.

Do not dream of taking his bullshit money.

Just take it easy.

Be there, man—

To give and take notes,

To sympathize here,

To help put him back in the chair.

Why is the Dude given a job by the Big Lebowski?

Because he is in a unique position.

Why does the Dude give comfort to the Stranger?

Because his style is so likeable.

How does the Dude take it easy for the sinner?

He loves you even if you’re a goddamn moron.

It is our most modestly-priced receptiveness.

Tao Te Ching: 62

Tao is the source and sanctuary of all things.

It is both the storehouse of the sage,

And the safeguard of the sinner.

Beautiful speech wins adoration,

And honorable acts win respect,

But the disgraced are not without potential—

Why should we cast them aside?

When great rulers are coronated,

They are honored with horses and jewelry.

Yet these are mere trinkets,

When compared with the treasures of the Tao.

Why has Tao been regarded as the greatest gift of all?

Because to those who abide in Tao,

The greatest grace is revealed,

And to those who confide in Tao,

The basest disgrace is repealed.

63

Practice not practicing,

Achieve modest tasks,

Sample discounted half-and-half,

Treasure the tiniest joint,

Keep the mind limber,

Mark it zero.

Too many strands in ol’ Duder’s head make his thinking uptight.

Deal with a plan while it is still simple,

When the plan gets too complex, everything can go wrong.

Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!

By not worrying about shit, life goes on.

Being privy to the new shit, new shit comes to light.

Giving a shit about the rules, nothing is forfeited.

By giving a shit about the poor world, man

The Dude does not fuck this up.

Across that line he does not.

Tao Te Ching: 63

Act without force,

Work without will,

Taste without prejudice,

Regard the tiny as great,

And a dearth as an abundance.

Reward an enemy with kindness,

Deal with the doable before it grows difficult,

And attend to the minor before it becomes major.

The hardest problems were once thought of as simple,

And the biggest issues started off small.

One who takes responsibilities too lightly

Will never be trusted,

And one who regards everything as trivial

Will soon find it all insurmountable.

It is precisely because the sage doesn’t think of himself highly

That he achieves greatness:

Because he regards everything as important,

He is never caught off guard,

And nothing is ever difficult for him to do.

64

The ball that is still is easy to hold.

The game not yet played is easy to win.

The lane not yet used is easy to roll.

The foe not yet braced should be a pushover.

Yet he who strives may split.

He who grasps may gutter.

A bowler often cracks on the verge of a perfect game.

Remember: A roll of sixty feet begins at the spot under one’s toe.

Therefore, make it to the finals before rolling your way into the semis.

Imagine you are bowling while relaxing on your rug.

Knock down the pins before you even let go of the ball.

Take care at the follow-through as you did at the approach.

Then you will really throw rocks tonight!

The Dude desires only not to desire,

Wants only for his rug back,

Remembers little from college,

Yet teaches people how to take it easy.

In helping them conceive,

He helps a whole world gone crazy.

Are you happy, you crazy fuck?

Okay, then.

Mark it zero.

Tao Te Ching: 64

That which is unmoving is easily grasped.

That which has not yet occurred is easily prevented.

That which is infirm is easily overcome.

That which is delicate is easily dismantled.

Deal with a problem before it develops.

Take command of a situation before it spins out of control.

A trunk broader than your embrace

Grows from the slenderest stem.

A tower nine stories high

Ascends from a mere pile of dust.

A journey three hundred miles long

Is launched with a single step.

Struggle with something and you’ll break it.

Grasp too tightly and it will flow through your fingers.

Because sages don’t strive,

They don’t destroy anything.

And because they don’t hold on too hard,

They don’t lose anything either.

Ordinary people often ruin things

Just before they’re about to complete them.

Remain as unattached at the end as you are at the beginning,

And your expectations won’t get the better of you.

Therefore the sage seeks freedom from desire,

And does not prize things that are hard to come by.

In learning how to unlearn his conditionings,

He uncovers treasures that others pass over.

In offering these gifts without pressure,

He helps the world return to its true nature.

65

The Stranger did not tell the Dude what to think.

He only offered comfort and confidence.

After all, sometimes you eat the bear,

And sometimes the bear, well, he eats you.

To insist that people’s traditions are just part of their sick Cynthia thing

Only keeps them living in the past.

While becoming privy to the new shit

Helps us perpetuate the whole durn human comedy.

To understand these two scenes—

The Stranger at the bar and Walter in the car—

Is to understand the human comedy.

Understanding the human comedy helps us sympathize with a world of pained,

And help them back in their chair.

Tao Te Ching: 65

In ancient times,

The wise did not try to make people wise.

Instead they employed their wisdom

To sustain the simplicity of the people.

The reason they governed this way

Is because a group cannot be governed

When everyone in it thinks they’re wiser than everyone else.

Complicating a culture can destroy a society,

While simplifying its notions can help it stick together.

He who understands when to use each of these two methods

Understands how to bind elements in a group.

And he who understands how to bind elements in a group

Wields the greatest power in the world—

It is a creative power so far-reaching

That it leads back to the very origin of things.

66

How did the river carve out Simi Valley?

By flowing beneath it.

This is how the strong overcomes the seamy.

To unrepentantly allay their mistrust,

It must naturally lie close to the ground,

To support them with their cycles,

It must be down for their dumps.

To be the one for their time and place,

It must not be too busy, as I know you are.

Is this a—what day is this?

Though the Dude is more far-out than most,

The people do not feel lower than him.

Though he is an excellent bowler,

We never see him bowl.

Because he takes things easy,

The people find him easy to exalt.

Because he is in bed with everybody,

Everybody digs his work.

Because he listens and learns, eyeball to eyeball,

He increases the chances of conception.

Because he does not try to scam anyone here,

In the end, no one scams him.

Tao Te Ching: 66

What makes the rivers so noble and respected

Is that they skillfully adopt the lower position.

This is why the fertile valleys all flourish around them.

In the same way, he who wants to rule the people,

Must act with the greatest humility.

He who intends to be the face of the populace,

Must be utterly self-effacing.

To lead, he must place his ego behind.

In this way,

Though the sage actually sits above them,

The people do not feel his weight.

Though he stands out in front,

He does not block the way.

The world never tires of exalting him—

It is because his needs do not contend with theirs

That they never find any reason to contend with him.

67

It may seem that the Dude is a bum,

But at the same time, he is the man for his time and place.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Dudeness is both a complicated case and a simple plan.

It is only because the Dude is both simple and complicated

That he can call himself the Dude.

If a man gets too complex,

Something always goes wrong.

And if a man is too simple,

He is like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie.

Here are three highly commendable commendations:

The first is abiding,

The second is restraint,

The third is not being a fucking asshole.

In abiding, one does not worry.

With restraint, one gets out of things cheap.

By not being a fucking asshole, nothing is fucked here.

Those who can’t worry about shit, but cannot abide,

Who take things easy, but perhaps too easy,

Or who are not wrong, but are still fucking assholes—

They are fucking this up.

Only abiding overcomes all,

And is bested by none.

It can win a foot soldier’s war,

Provide for inner city children of promise,

And give comfort to strangers.

Truly, everything is preserved by abiding:

It is nature’s heaviest bowling ball,

Its biggest scissors.

And its most beautiful plan—

A Swiss fucking watch!

Tao Te Ching: 67

Though everyone knows that Tao is great,

It appears utterly confounding.

Of course, it is only because it is confounding

That it can remain so great—

If its meaning could be easily picked apart,

It would have long ago lost its value!

Here are three great virtues for mankind to treasure:

The first is compassion,

The second is moderation,

The third is humility.

Compassion gives rise to courage,

Moderation gives rise to prosperity,

And humility gives rise to cooperation.

However:

One can be courageous without compassion,

Prosperous without moderation,

And cooperative without humility.

But this goes against the way of Tao,

And so will usher in a great decay.

Above all, compassion can accomplish anything:

From winning a war,

To protecting a populace.

Truly, everything that endures in nature

Is predicated upon, and preserved by compassion.

68

A good bowler does not contravene bylaws,

A good lord imagines where it goes from here,

A good buddy rests easy,

A good man is thurrah,

A good story makes you laugh to beat the band,

A good burger is found in low places.

Avoiding conflict is the best way to have it your way, Dude.

And a good day to you, sir.

Tao Te Ching: 68

The best warriors are not warlike.

The best pugilists are not pugnacious.

The best contenders are not contentious.

The best overlords do not lord themselves over.

This is called going with the flow of nature—

It is the most effective approach toward governance,

Because it is aligned in accordance with Tao.

69

There is a saying among soldiers:

Fighting in the desert is much different than canopy jungle.

Choose your battles carefully.

In this way, one makes the handoff without taking the hill,

Draws a line in the sand without stepping over the line,

Overcomes obstacles without becoming bereaved,

And keeps what’s theirs without getting a man down.

Conversely, there is no bummer like getting your dick cut off.

Bush-league psych-out stuff can get you fucked in the ass.

When two bowling teams have got a date Wednesday, baby,

The unworried adversary

Is the one that will crack.

Tao Te Ching: 69

There is a saying in the military:

Do not be the first to attack.

Rather, focus on holding your ground.

It is better to retreat a foot than to advance an inch.

This is called:

Advancing without movement,

Seizing without grasping,

Confronting without attacking,

And warding off without weaponry.

The greatest error is to disrespect an enemy—

Character is the greatest casualty of conceit.

Thus, when two equal armies collide,

It is the one which laments the need to do so

That is the more likely to triumph.

70

The Dude’s words are easy to understand,

And his actions are easy to perform,

Yet everyone continually asks him:

“What in God’s holy name are you blathering about?”

Because he doesn’t remember much from college,

The Dude must lead by example.

Those who listen to his words might find him fatuous.

But those who lounge beside him feel he’s far-out.

Those who truly understand the Dude are hard to find.

But that’s okay. We proceed. The career is slow.

Though the Dude’s wardrobe is drab,

His drive is green, with rust coloration.

Tao Te Ching: 70

My words are very easy to understand,

And very easy to put into practice,

Yet there are few in the world who understand them,

Or who are able to put them into practice.

What I teach involves a process,

Just as a culture involves a curriculum.

It is only because people haven’t experienced it directly

That they don’t know what I’m talking about.

Those who do understand me are exceedingly rare,

And so I cherish them.

Though sages may dress shabbily,

They hold luminous treasures within their hearts.

71

If you know what you know,

Well, I guess you can close the case on that one!

But if you ignore what you ignore,

Face it, you’re a goddamn moron.

He who becomes sick of sickness

Learns to abide.

While he who makes everything a travesty

Remains a crazy fuck.

Why is the Dude so well?

Because he is never dis-eased.

Tao Te Ching: 71

Understanding that you don’t understand

Is the highest form of understanding.

But not understanding what you think you understand

Is a form of mental illness.

The reason the sages don’t suffer from this disease

Is because they are trained to diagnose it.

72

As soon as people cease to give a shit about the rules,

They enter a world of pain.

Therefore,

Do not step over the line,

And do not threaten anyone with castration.

It is only when rich fucks raid private residences

That people are reduced to robbing rugs.

Though the Dude may have been to college,

He does not display credentials on the wall.

Though he self-applies an honorific handle,

He does not regard himself heroically.

Because his casualness runs deep,

He is always welcomed in the abodes of his acquaintances.

Tao Te Ching: 72

As soon as the people no longer respect authority,

A far more insidious force will descend upon society.

Therefore,

Do not encroach on the territory of others,

And do not reduce their quality of life.

It is only when their leaders don’t disturb the people,

That they are not prone to disturbance.

It is for this reason that the sages know their strengths,

Yet don’t show them off.

Though they have great self-respect,

They do not stoke their self-regard.

By rooting out a sense of superiority,

They cultivate a strong relationship with their fellows.

73

Have it your way, Dude:

Be brave and bold on Saturday and get fucked.

Or be brave and cautious next Wednesday and prevail.

That’s fucking combat—

It favors some and fucks others.

Why? Well dude, we just don’t know.

Dudeness does not fight,

Yet everything turns out pretty good for it,

Although there’s little it would ask,

It is your answer for everything.

It does not call you at home,

It just comes in through the unlocked door.

Because its beauty is its simplicity,

It does not make plans.

It is because the Dude’s embrace is so generous, his limbs so limber

That everything is fucking interesting to him.

Tao Te Ching: 73

Heroism has two faces:

Courage with caution may conserve life.

But feats of foolhardiness foster death.

Bravery can help, or it can hurt,

And it’s not always easy to anticipate the outcome.

Even the sages recognize the difficulty and danger in this.

Tao does not contend,

Yet it conquers.

It does not speak,

And yet it answers.

It does not summon,

And yet it receives.

Though it slacks, it succeeds.

Its web is porous,

And yet nothing falls from its embrace.

74

People don’t need your sympathy,

They need their fucking johnsons,

The only reason they unrepentantly betray the public trust,

Is because their leaders have led them to believe in nossing.

Darkness warshes over,

And man’s days are as grass—

Blades cut down by blades.

Yet he who swings the sword,

Will only amputate his own ear.

And he who waves his piece around on the lanes

Will not make it to the next round robin.

Do you see what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass?

It kills your fucking karma.

Tao Te Ching: 74

If people are no longer afraid to die,

Then death will be no deterrent.

They only commit capital crimes

When life becomes worse than death.

Nature is the great executioner

And death has long been its domain.

Assuming the role of the reaper

Ignores the double side of the blade.

Just like getting between a lumberjack and his lumber,

He who puts himself on the pathway

Is inclined to be cut down.

75

The people are only goldbrickers

Because the rich have taken them for the proverbial ride.

The people are only deadbeats and losers

Because the square community doesn’t give a shit about them.

The people only blather in God’s holy name

Because they feel like the good Lord gypped them.

Thus, those who hold the world to ransom

Are the adversaries of what abides,

While those who say “Ah, fuck it”

Are its compeers. You know?

Tao Te Ching: 75

The people are only poor,

Because they’ve been pillaged by the powerful.

The meek are only a mess,

Because they’ve been meddled with by their masters.

The ordinary only obsess about an afterlife,

Because their lives have been impaired by the powerful.

Thus, those who expect too much from the world

Are the enemies of life,

While those who leave the world alone,

Are its allies and associates.

76

A Dudeist’s heart is soft and limber,

A nihilist’s heart is hard and stiff.

Thriving plants are limber and green, with some rust coloration,

Upon death, they are dry as ashes, stiff as a severed toe.

Thus the soft and supple is the disciple of Dudeism,

While the stubborn and stiff is the fan of the fucked.

Just as a shitty rule that cannot be bent will be broken,

So will an inflexible adversary be forced to give up his girlfriend’s toe.

So many bright, flowering young men died face down in the muck—

In your wisdom you nixed ’em, Nixon,

While those who occupied various administration buildings

Still ably perform dude-jitsu upon their rugs.

Tao Te Ching: 76

At birth, man is supple and soft,

At death, he is stiff and brittle.

When full of life, grasses and trees are flexible and frail,

But approaching death they are withered and dry.

Thus, the hard and stubborn is the disciple of death,

While the soft and yielding is the disciple of life.

In this way,

A campaign that cannot accommodate will collapse,

Just as a tree that cannot bend will break.

The mighty, in standing firm, will be laid low,

While the tender, in enduring, will emerge ascendant.

77

Nature moves like a bowling ball.

It rolls in cycles: ups and downs, strikes and gutters.

Nature’s plan is to play one side against the other—

Sometimes you eat the bear. Sometimes the bear eats you.

The ball returns. The robin rounds.

The way of achievement is not like this:

It is a dark detour that leads to seamy valleys.

It throws out ringers for ringers,

And fucks up our simple plans.

It’s all just a game, one in which the bums always lose.

The way of Dudeness is to maintain equilibrium.

It empties the briefcase, and refills the beverage.

It pulls out the rug, and throws out the ringer.

Taking needs from the mean, it gives means to the needy.

This is not the way of Jeffrey Lebowski, the other Jeffrey Lebowski—

He takes from those who are looking for a handout,

And gives to those whose allowance is already ample.

Because the Dude can navigate the ways of the world,

Things work out pretty good for him.

To dig the world is to dig the Dude, man.

See who benefits? This affects all of us, on a personal level.

Tao Te Ching: 77

Tao is like an archer’s bow:

As it performs, the high is pulled down,

And the low is raised up.

The way of Tao is to maintain equilibrium:

It saps from surplus,

And replenishes the scarce.

The way of mankind is very different from this:

It takes away from those who have too little,

And gives yet more to those who already have too much.

In understanding and respecting the way of Tao,

The sage is able to help set things right.

He invests but does not expect any return,

Completes but does not take any credit.

In this way he can act as an instrument without ends.

78

Nothing in the world takes it easier than water.

Also, it is good at cleaning pee-stains from a rug.

Just as the easy undermine the uptight,

The bums will undermine the achievers.

Takes a minute.

The Stranger says:

“I like your style dude;

Just one thing, Dude—

Do you have to use so many cuss words?”

The fuck is he talking about?

This is the parlance of our times.

When the whole world has gone crazy,

Only the crazy fucks are happy.

Tao Te Ching: 78

Nothing in the world is as soft and accommodating as water,

And yet for overcoming the hard and inflexible,

There is nothing more effective.

Everyone knows that the liquid undermines the adamant,

That the yielding wears away at the unyielding,

Yet few of us are able to put this principle into play.

Therefore the sage says:

Only he who can embrace a society’s shame

Is qualified to rule over the entire country.

And only he who can bear its burden

Deserves to be carried on its shoulders.

These ideas may seem paradoxical at first glance,

But Tao is often like that.

79

After a story is wrapped up,

Some strands in ol’ Duder’s head still remain—

What happened to the Dude’s rug?

Did Maude compensate the Dude with more bones and clams?

Was there ever any fucking money?

Did they make it to the finals?

How are you gonna keep ’em down on the farm?

Well, Dude, we just don’t know.

It don’t matter to the Dudeist.

All the Dude wanted was his rug back. Not greedy.

Where Walter sought comeuppance,

The Dude sought only compensation.

The Stranger said: “He’s the man for his time and place.

I won’t say a hee-ro, ’cause what’s a hee-ro?”

That done innerduced him enough.

The story is stupefying.

It is also ludicrous.

You have your story, I have mine.

It’s a pretty good one. Don’t you think?

Tao Te Ching: 79

After making peace with an adversary

There is usually some lingering enmity.

What can be done about this?

To expedite the accord,

The sage will honor his end of the agreement,

But not pressure the other side.

Whereas the sage focuses upon making amends,

The ignorant are concerned with assigning blame.

Tao itself is objective,

So it rewards those who see the bigger picture,

And penalizes those who pursue only personal interest.

80

The ideal association would be a modestly-sized bowling league,

One which could really throw rocks,

But which wouldn’t wave their pieces around on the lanes.

The people would dig the style there so much,

That they would never allow anything to interrupt league play.

They would do the usual:

Bowl, drive around, the occasional acid flashback,

They might never get to see London or France,

Or the queen in her damned undies.

They wouldn’t roll out naked,

But they wouldn’t be inclined to take that hill either.

They would be good at taking ’er easy—

Careful with beverages,

Bathing with candles and whale songs,

Tying together their private residences,

And calmer than you are.

Because they wouldn’t obsess over a lifetime of achievement

They could die with a smile on their face

Without feeling like the good lord gypped them.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I’ll tell you what the fuck I’m talking about!

I’m talking about unchecked affection here.

Tao Te Ching: 80

The ideal society would be small, with a modest population,

And enough resource to amass an army,

Yet no recourse to deploy it.

They would value their lives so much

That they would see no reason to venture from home.

They would maintain vessels,

But have little occasion to ride them.

They would store weapons,

But have little occasion to exhibit them.

They would return to the old ways of doing things:

Enjoying their food,

Taking pride in their appearance,

Feeling secure in their homes,

And venerating the simple life.

Neighboring villages would stand in plain view,

Yet the people would happily pass their whole lives

Without ever having bothered to go visit.

81

To tell you the truth, Brandt, I don’t remember much.

Therefore there can be no literal connection.

This could be a uh, a lot more uh, uh, uh, uh, complex…

I mean it’s not just, it might not be, just such a simple, uh—you know?

The parlance of our times may be full of blather,

But those who demand you parla inglés are not privy to the old shit.

Whereas modern artifice has conceived much but does not listen,

Dudeness recycles everything as it rambles.

Though the abiders may not achieve,

The achievers do not abide.

I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life:

The Dude does not want to get bumped into a taxing bracket.

The more he takes it easy, the more ease he is afforded.

The more he abides, the more he achieves.

The more he helps lift others up, the higher he becomes.

Despite their wandering dodder,

The Dude Way is to treat everyone as a compeer.

Because this whole fucking thing—

It’s only, just, like, our opinion, man,

And we cannot drag our negative energy into the tournament.

In this way:

The Dude abides,

Down through the generations,

Across the sands of time,

With his manhood intact,

A trophy life,

And the garlands of our times.

Fucking A, man. Fucking amen.

Tao Te Ching: 81

Sincere language may not be beautiful,

But beautiful language is rarely sincere.

The righteous do not have much to say,

But those who talk a lot are rarely righteous.

The deep may not be distinguished,

But the distinguished rarely have depth.

The holy man does not hoard—

The more he gives,

The more he receives.

The more he helps,

The more he succeeds.

The way of Tao is to benefit without hurting.

Thus the sage does not struggle to do good in the world,

Rather, he elects to do so with the greatest of ease.

Thanks for reading The Dude De Ching. If you’d like to delve deeper into Dudeism and Taoism, please consider ordering our fully annotated and illustrated edition. More information here: www.dudeism.com/thedudedeching

Notes

[←1]

Reactionary doesn’t mean “to be reactive” but rather comes from the name for those who “reacted” to the French revolution, and were thus interested in maintaining the status quo. In other words, arch-convervatives. Still, one who reacts negatively to change is often very undude indeed.

[←2]

The Dude’s sweater is a Pendleton Cowichan, named after the Native American tribe that knits a similar traditional pattern.

Table of Contents

Preface

Inner-duction

Additional notes from the author

The Verses

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3

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Notes