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Author Topic: My Little Urban Acheiver is in desperate need of...  (Read 344 times)

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Rev Dave Man

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My Little Urban Acheiver is in desperate need of...
« on: September 03, 2017, 10:31:02 AM »
A swift kick in the ass!  My inner dude is being challenged by the oldest of my little lebowski urban achievers.  Well, he's not so little.  He's almost 30 and totally unmotivated to find a place of his own.  He was down on his luck last year when his old lady split on him, and he ended up spending a week in the county lock up for an unrelated incident that he skipped court on 6 years ago, and when he got out of the clink he had no place to go. 
  Now, just to put it in perspective, I don't have a place of my own anymore.  I moved out of my apartment and moved in with my special lady friend.  She has a nice house of her own and me and my 2 younger (still in school) urban achievers moved in together.  When my oldest had nowhere to go, she told him he could stay with us on a temporary basis until he got back on his feet. 
   Fast forward a year...and here we are.  He got himself a job, and has to pay child support to his mother, hey...been there myself.  But he goes to work, comes here and showers and then splits to go play with his friends.  All the while I try to encourage him that if he can't afford a place of his own to go find a part time job 1 or 2 nights a week, then he'll be able to afford his own place.  But apparently that must be exhausting.  The problem is, that it's exhausting to me and my special lady friend as well. 
   It's not that he CAN'T do it, because he's an adult and CAN do it, it's that he isn't putting in much effort to do it.  I can relate to the "not wanting to" part, because I don't want to do it either.  Hell, I didn't want to do it when I was raising him and his brothers, but homelessness wasn't an option so I did it anyway. 
  I think it's time to put my boot in his underachiever ass and give him a deadline to get his shit together and man up and find a place of his own. 
  Or am I just being uptight and too undude about this whole thing? 
I'm calmer than you are

BikerDude

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Re: My Little Urban Acheiver is in desperate need of...
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2017, 09:48:33 AM »
I'd suggest avoiding negativity.
Drawing a line in the sand isn't a good idea IMO.
Help him get on track in smaller increments.
Short term goals.
Sounds like he's got a load on him now.
That results in total lock up and it can look like a lack of motivation.
It's more likely him being overwhelmed.
Start to get a real game plan in place and take positive steps to help him achieve it.

Out here we are all his children

DigitalBuddha

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Re: My Little Urban Acheiver is in desperate need of...
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2017, 01:24:49 AM »
A swift kick in the ass!  My inner dude is being challenged by the oldest of my little lebowski urban achievers.  Well, he's not so little.  He's almost 30 and totally unmotivated to find a place of his own.  He was down on his luck last year when his old lady split on him, and he ended up spending a week in the county lock up for an unrelated incident that he skipped court on 6 years ago, and when he got out of the clink he had no place to go. 
  Now, just to put it in perspective, I don't have a place of my own anymore.  I moved out of my apartment and moved in with my special lady friend.  She has a nice house of her own and me and my 2 younger (still in school) urban achievers moved in together.  When my oldest had nowhere to go, she told him he could stay with us on a temporary basis until he got back on his feet. 
   Fast forward a year...and here we are.  He got himself a job, and has to pay child support to his mother, hey...been there myself.  But he goes to work, comes here and showers and then splits to go play with his friends.  All the while I try to encourage him that if he can't afford a place of his own to go find a part time job 1 or 2 nights a week, then he'll be able to afford his own place.  But apparently that must be exhausting.  The problem is, that it's exhausting to me and my special lady friend as well. 
   It's not that he CAN'T do it, because he's an adult and CAN do it, it's that he isn't putting in much effort to do it.  I can relate to the "not wanting to" part, because I don't want to do it either.  Hell, I didn't want to do it when I was raising him and his brothers, but homelessness wasn't an option so I did it anyway. 
  I think it's time to put my boot in his underachiever ass and give him a deadline to get his shit together and man up and find a place of his own. 
  Or am I just being uptight and too undude about this whole thing? 

Is this...what day is this?
If they pee on your rug...



"I could be just sitting at home with pee stains on my rug."

BikerDude

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Re: My Little Urban Acheiver is in desperate need of...
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2017, 05:33:29 AM »
What you are advocating is

Your "revolution" is over, Mr.  Lebowski!  Condolences!  The bums lost!
...My advice is, do what your parents did!  Get a job, sir! 
The bums will always lose-- do you hear me, Lebowski?  THE BUMS WILL ALWAYS--

Out here we are all his children

Rev Dave Man

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Re: My Little Urban Acheiver is in desperate need of...
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2017, 11:05:18 AM »
I hear ya BD, and that is the position I took at the onset.  We sat down, made a plan, etc.  He didn't even have a drivers license yet (at 27 years old).  I helped him get his license, and even bought him a used car and helped him get a job.  But there is a massive decline in desire to move towards getting out.  It puts me in an awkward position because this isn't my house, I live with my special lady friend and she's getting a bit frustrated watching him "do his thing" in her house.  The last thing I wanted to do was give him the Big Lebowski "get a job sir" speech, because that's not who I am and that's not what I want to portray myself as.  But there has to come a time when a man reaches thirty that he should have the desire to move out of his dad's girlfriend's house and stop sharing a bunkbed with his 12 year old little brother.  It's frustrating man, because I don't want to be a dick...but something's gotta give man, or my special lady friend is gonna pull the plug on the whole operation and we're ALL gonna be looking for a new place to lay our rug. 
I'm calmer than you are

BikerDude

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Re: My Little Urban Acheiver is in desperate need of...
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2017, 11:50:55 AM »
I hear you man.
It's a tough one.
It all comes down to what will end up working out the best.
It's a balance.
Carrot and the stick. Too much of either and you'll end up with a Nihilist.

Out here we are all his children

jgiffin

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Re: My Little Urban Acheiver is in desperate need of...
« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2017, 10:54:01 PM »
I dunno, man. Sounds like it's time for a proverbial Come-to-Jesus-Moment with him. It's often uncomfortable to be confronted by the truth. But he's being artificially insulated from the consequences of his actions/in-actions. That branch won't hold forever. And, when it breaks, he's going to fall all the harder.

I remember being a fourth year college sophomore fuck-up (e.g., no job, not really going to class, smoking way too much weed) and casually referring to myself as "middle class" to my older brother. He paused, looked me straight in the face, and said "you know you're not middle-class, right?" Fucking hit home. But I needed to hear it. Can't say I got my shit totally together - then or now - but it did make me realize my true position in the world and give me the opportunity to change it. Good luck, man. Tough spot to be in.

Rev Dave Man

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Re: My Little Urban Acheiver is in desperate need of...
« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2017, 06:03:10 AM »
Well, I had the come to Jesus meeting with him. I have to admit, it went better than I expected it to. I wasn't trying to come off as being a fascist or some dick in the square community but more of a mentor than even a father.  We put a plan together, put down some shit that he should do, all for his own benefit of course, and it seemed to be well received.  I think maybe my thinking had become a bit uptight and I had to reel myself in a bit.  Thanks fellas for letting me toss my dirty undies out there and for the sage advice.  Hopefully he'll be able to have his own bungalow and start off on the path of life.  Hell, I'll even let him take any rug in the house when he moves out. 
I'm calmer than you are

BikerDude

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Re: My Little Urban Acheiver is in desperate need of...
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2017, 07:04:37 AM »
It's much tougher for kids today than when I was young.
The world is much more uptight and the uptightness is 100% electronic.
Try calling your boss a dick and telling him to stick his f'in job today.
We were much more free.
Today everything bites you in the ass forever.
The rats are winning Dudes. The rats are winning.


Out here we are all his children

Rev Dave Man

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Re: My Little Urban Acheiver is in desperate need of...
« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2017, 01:45:12 PM »
Fuckin A man, Fuckin A
I'm calmer than you are

BikerDude

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